Every female feels the effects of PMS differently. Some feel no effects (lucky bitches!) while some get pissy and others eat like crazy. Me, I get emotional – not in the pissy way, in the sad way. Everything seems worse than it actually is. While it’s happening I realize what I’m upset about is stupid but at the same time I can’t stop feeling what I’m feeling. Sometimes I cry while other times I want to but just can’t. Today is a crying day – big time.
My day was great. I substitute taught with the class I student taught with. I adore the kids and it was a fun day. But at the end of the day we were running late and one of my kids almost missed the bus. Yeah, that’s when I felt myself starting to get emotional. STUPID! Then I talked to a friend who had originally called me to see if I wanted to get together. But, between the time she called me and I was able to call her back, something came up. That was another step closer to tears (things like that happen all the time – normally doesn’t phase me a bit).
Hunter was online when I got home and it helped to talk to him – at first. He had been weighing on my mind. His rule is to call or text when he gets off work or gets in for the night. He didn’t text me until after 1 a.m. That had me instantly worried. Why hadn’t he called earlier like always? Who had he been with? What had he been doing? He assured me everything was fine – he was just feeling overwhelmed with school & work. Then he immed me simply saying “I want you.” That cheered me right up – until he said “Guess what, guess what?” I was all excited that maybe he was going to stay in the area this summer (as opposed to going to his hometown which is 3 hours away) or that he didn’t have to work tonight or something. But no, he was super excited because his friend Alicia bought him a hat.
Let me explain why it was a particularly large let down. She’s in love with him. He just found out a week ago and it came as a complete shock to him. I couldn’t write about it until now because we were afraid she had found the blog, but we found out she didn’t. We were afraid of that because she got on his computer while he was passed out and hacked into his accounts and all of that. She e-mailed me, claiming that SHE was his girlfriend. Yeah, that gave me warm fuzzies inside. That was one of the major reasons he was a little distant at times this past weekend. And with him wanting to spend more time with his friends this week, it just makes me worry. He’s told me he only looks at her like a friend and that’s the way it has always been. But, that doesn’t mean things don’t change. How do I compete with 3 years of history? How does he go from telling me that he wants me to telling me about this kick-ass gift she got him? It was like a shot to the gut.
I had trust issues before I started seeing Hunter – I wrote about it extensively on here. And it’s not that I don’t trust him. I truly believe he wouldn’t do anything with another girl while he’s with me, but that doesn’t prevent feelings from changing. That’s what happened with my ex-boyfriend – he didn’t physically cheat on me but definitely did on an emotional level. I fear that if I become too worried about the situation with Alicia it will drive him away. But, I can’t *not* worry about it.
Hunter is really worried about how her feelings for him are going to change their friendship. He wants things to stay the same as much as possible. At this point I couldn’t handle that though. They used to cuddle, she’d sleep in his bed if he was out of town, she did his laundry, she’d change while he was in the room, they’ve met each others families for goodness sakes. They were/are so close many of their friends would joke about how they should be a couple. She’s still going to do his laundry – specifically his boxers and t-shirts. To me that just seems weird. I feel like there needs to be some boundaries between them. I know they won’t be cuddling and things along those lines anymore. But, things have changed, no matter how much Hunter doesn’t want to admit or accept it. She won’t get over him if they continue the friendship as it has been going. But, I’m scared to talk to Hunter about it because it could drive him away. What if he says “screw you” to me – that he’s not willing to make any of those changes for me. Thing is, I’ve been that girl. Whether Alicia admits it or not (or even fully realizes it), those little things that they have bring her hope. The fact that she made him smile one of his huge to-die-for smiles when she gave him his hat today gave her hope.
I feel like if I said something it would be like me telling him who he can and cannot be friends with. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want them to spend any time together, I’d just prefer more space between them. But, I know that friendship means a lot to him – how could I ask him to give that up, even a little? How could I ask him to put a 1.5 month relationship before a 3 year friendship? At the same time, how can a new relationship stand a chance if it isn’t the priority?
Like I said before, when I’m PMSing everything seems *way* worse than it actually is. Right now I just have to hope these doubts and insecurities will fade soon – at least for the most part. Until then I guess I’ll just continue riding this roller coaster of emotions. I’m fine for 10 minutes – totally confident in my relationship with Hunter. Then BAM, the tears hit me yet again and I become convinced he’ll leave me. That’s one of the reasons this was such a rambling post – my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. At this point I have no idea how I’m genuinely feeling. Even if this thing with Hunter wasn’t happening, I’d still probably be crying anyway. Like I said, I was almost in tears because my kids almost missed the bus and I couldn’t get together with my friend. The fact that PMS is temporary and will fade in a day or two is of *very* little comfort. I want the fuck off this roller coaster NOW.
