Well, I had what could maybebe considered my first domme experience. It wasn’t anything too big – it was over the phone mostly. Even though it was a teensy-weensy event, it was a step in the right direction nonetheless.
So, this was a guy I met on collarme – let’s call him Paden. We’d been exchanging e-mails for almost a week but had just started imming a couple days ago. We totally hit it off yesterday though! We talked either online or on the phone from 4-10 p.m. We talked a lot about vanilla stuff but also, of course, a lot about what we were interested in. He’s new to the lifestyle, extremely new. To a certain degree it’s kind of adorable because he gets excited about EVERYTHING. But at the same time it makes me worry that he wants me simply because I’m the first experience he’s had – like if he knew what was really out there, he wouldn’t want me. I know that’s probably not the case because we do have a lot in common on a vanilla level but I have this self-esteem thing – part of me feels like no one could care about me if they knew who I *really* was. The thing is, with most guys, I am who I *really* (well, for the most part – most haven’t known about the alternative lifestyle thing) but I can never really accept that they would like me for me.
Okay, back to the juicy stuff….well, slightly juice stuff. Like I said, he’s extremely inexperienced so even though it wasn’t anything big or intense, it was a big deal for him. Not to imply it wasn’t for me, but I have experienced playing on the phone so ya know. After talking for several hours, I gave him a choice – he could either make himself cum or listen to me cum. He chose to listen to me cum. He has roommates so he went for a walk on the streets of NYC. I promptly applied my vibrator to my clit and went to town. A few minutes into it Paden asked if he could take his cock out of his pants because the friction was too intense. (At which point I asked, “Aren’t you wearing boxers or anything?!” To which he said, “No, I didn’t put any on – I was in too much of a hurry to get out of the apartment!” Too cute!) I allowed it and the thought of him on some NY street with his cock out was so freaking hot (Mind you, I’m sure he was in a very discreet location but it was hot nonetheless).
I have always hated “talking dirty” – with a passion! But with him it came so much easier. For some reason it was easier to talk about what I would do to someone, as opposed to what I want someone to do to me. It was pure entertainment when I asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do to him – he totally clammed up! Exactly like I used to when I was a sub. LOL. I think that’s something I’ll be working on with him.
Back to me workin’ my clit…yeah, I have performance anxiety! I couldn’t make myself cum to save my life! It was so frustrating! His cell started going dead so I told him to hurry back to his place and get online. While he was gone I took a few pictures of my pussy – it was SO wet! While I may not have orgasmed, there sure as hell was a lot of cum down there. When he got back I instructed him to check his e-mail and to cum while looking at the pictures of my wet pussy. After all, I was unable to cum so it was only fair that he be allowed to (I know, I’m working on the ‘mean’ thing, lol). We continued to talk online after that. He was on his cam but I wasn’t on mine. I kind of like the disparity of that – I’m free to do whatever I want without him knowing a thing, while every move he makes is seen by me.
One problem I always had when I was a sub was a deep feeling of guilt/shame after I had submitted. I felt that it exacerbated my depression, which is one of the reasons I shied away from it. I do have to admit, I did feel a tiny hint of that after Paden and I stopped talking, as I went to bed and thought about everything that happened that night. But, I’m really hoping that feeling fades, I think it will.
As I’ve stated a thousand times before, I HATE dating. I’m not saying Paden and I are dating – we haven’t even met face-to-face yet, but it still feels like we’re in that initial euphoric getting-to-know-you phase that couples do have when they start dating. I’m already annoyed with myself! I got home from work today and was very sad to see Paden hadn’t written back (I had sent him an e-mail before I went to work). Instantly I started freaking out that he changed his mind about me or something along those lines. I was so tempted to call him, just check in or whatever. But, I resisted. And he later e-mailed me and everything was fine…go figure! I do that often when dating though – at the beginning of a relationship I need A LOT of reassurance. It’s annoying to both me and the guy I’m dating. But, ironically enough, I can feel smothered very easily (not always – depends a lot on the guy). So, the things that annoy the hell out of me when a guy does them are the exact same things I myself do. UGH!
But, now Paden is online and we’re talking so everything is right with the world (er, at least in my world).
