Something Missing? August 14, 2008

Society tells me that something is missing from my life.  I should be in a relationship.  I should *want* a relationship.  I feel like everyone my age is getting married or living with someone.  Everyone (well 13 of 15) people I work with are in long-term relationships (this makes company/family gatherings rather awkward and embarrassing). 

But you know what, I’m happy alone – at the moment anyway.  Yes, I miss Hunter and I would get back together with him if I had the chance (assuming quite a few things changed from the last time we dated).  Other than him, I don’t actually feel like I want a relationship.  I have chatted with guys here and there but I just don’t put forth the effort needed to really get something going with them.  It’s not that I don’t like these guys, it’s more that starting and maintaining a relationship just isn’t a priority for me right now. 

 

Perhaps it’s that starting a new relationship does take a fair amount of work and I’m just lazy.  Or perhaps part of me thinks it can’t get better than it was with Hunter so why bother? (Though on a conscious level, I know that’s stupid.)  Maybe I have lost hope in the male gender as a whole so I don’t see the point in pursuing anything – he’ll just cheat on me anyway.  I don’t think any of those are the main reasons though (they could be factors – I’m not ruling that out).  I just don’t need a relationship to be genuinely happy, to be at peace with myself. 

 

I’m not implying I wouldn’t be happy if I was in a relationship, I’m just pleased that I don’t crave or need one to be happy.  There are times I’ve felt like that though – and I’m sure there will be many more over the years.  But, for the past month or so  I’ve felt this way consistently.  I love being able to do what I want, when I want.  I love not feeling the highs and lows I seem to have when in a relationship (ie: if the guy doesn’t call when he says he’s going to I get worried/depressed).  I love being able to spend as much time as possible planning for the upcoming preschool year. 

 

I am genuinely happy being single!

 

~*~*~

Now, to do a total 180 – Hunter and I have a little something going again.  Here I’m just talking about happy I am single and at the same time I kinda have my boy back (but, I have been feeling content being single for a while – I don’t feel that way simply because I do have a guy but not a “boyfriend” in my life).  We aren’t dating but as far as sex is concerned, I am back to “owning” him. 

 

This all came about earlier today over my lunch hour.  He made some comment about his owner being the first to know when he’s moving back for sure (sometime within the next 2 weeks – woohoo!) and I told him not to use that term unless he meant it.  His reply was “as long as you don’t mind owning me.”  Ugh – of course not!!  I was sure to ask what exactly he meant by “owned” because it could be taken as either getting back together or just having a D/s monogamous sexual relationship.  I figured it was the latter, and I was correct.  And, I was/am totally fine with that.  He can have his life, I can have mine and every week or so we’ll get together for some fun.  I know there will be moments when it will be difficult not having more but overall, I think this is going to work well for us.

 

I just talked to him a little about being honest about his feelings this time around.  I didn’t want to experience again the whole there being something wrong but him running away from it rather than talking to me about it thing that created drama in our lives for the month or so leading up to our break-up.  He took the opportunity to clarify that he wants to be “owned” by me but won’t have the time for an all-out relationship.  I immensely appreciated his honesty and assured him I wasn’t expecting that.  But, I reiterated that this time around he *has* to be more honest and forthcoming about his feelings/doubts/whatever than he was when we dated. 

 

Oh, and after we re-established that we were back to the D/s thing, I was quick to reinstate the no cumming without permission rule.  The next time he is allowed to cum is approx. 1 hour before he comes to my place in the next week or two.  We’re both gonna be horny as hell and I sure as heck don’t want it all to be over in a minute!

 

~*~*~

A water pipe broke in Lisa’s apartment last weekend and they had to move out of the hell hole.  On Monday when she told me about it and I offered to help them move if they needed it.  I sincerely meant it when I offered it.  But, then I realized the Packers were playing.  It was their first game of the season and kind of a big deal because of the whole Favre/Rodgers drama.  When she called back to take me up on my offer I told her if they really needed the help, I’d be there but that I really did want to watch the game.  She let me off the hook ’cause there was some family there helping her.  What an awful friend I am though!  Good thing she’s the greatest girl ever and is able to look past my selfishness.  I think I’ve said this before (hehe) but I’m so lucky I found her!

Old Friends & First Loves August 10, 2008

Last night was an interesting evening.  The parade pretty much sucked.  It used to be full of colorful, fun floats, the *marching* band, Shriner’s in their little cars and a few emergency vehicles here and there.  Last night there were only a few floats that were half-ass decorated, the *marching* band rode on a hay wagon, there was an excessive amount of emergency vehicles, no fun little Shriner’s cars, and a ridiculous amount of large farm machinery.  Bo-ring!

 

I caught up with a few of my classmates and chatted a little bit.  It was so interesting because the ones who went off to college I could talk to for quite a while – we’d all gotten out and actually done something the last 5 years.  The ones who stayed in town and attempted (some failed, some succeeded) to go the community college route I talked to for about 2 minutes.  We would both say what we were up to and then that was the end of the conversation.  We had absolutely *nothing* in common.  It made me so ridiculously grateful that I got the fuck out of town and went to college.  While my life is far from exciting, I’ve actually grown and experienced new things in the last 5 years.  Those who stuck around are pretty much the same people they were in high school. 

 

I got to see a lot of parents of my classmates.  That was actually more enjoyable than seeing my classmates.  Then again, I’ve always been considerably more comfortable with people older than me.  The mother of a guy I “went out” with in 6th-7th grade (“going out” consisted of sitting on the phone in awkward silence for hours, seeing each other at the pool every few weeks, and eventually holding hands once at a football game, which was a huge scandal!)  She gave me the biggest hug and couldn’t believe I was there – she’d just thought about me the other day.  Her son recently broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years and she thought that if he’d just get back together with me he’d be so happy and get his life back on track.  That totally cracked me up!  I haven’t seen this guy since high school (but I have talked to his parents quite a few times since graduation) and it’s been 10 years since we “dated”.  But, it did make me feel good that she has such a high opinion of me.

At one point after the parade it started down pouring.  We huddled under the beer tent, thinking it would pass quickly.  It didn’t.  Eventually my sister discovered that a classmate of hers was at a bar a couple blocks away.  We get to the bar and everyone looks at us like we’re total idiots, and I’m sure we looked like we were!  From the bar we went to a party where there was free beer.  Oh, yay. /sarcasm.  We arrive and I see a group of boys that just graduated this past May and they’re drinking!  Right beside them is their baseball coach – totally sloshed.  Not to mention the party is being thrown by a guy who coaches multiple sports at the school.  A little while later in walks a 5th grade teacher who is also the head football coach.  I was appalled that all of these role-models would contribute to minors and set such a bad example.  I know kids will drink underage, I did but I’ll be damned if I’m actually going to *support* it.   I didn’t stay there too long – I wasn’t comfortable because I was all wet and my hair looked like ass, there wasn’t anyone my age there – everyone was either a lot older or a lot younger.  Most of all, I knew I could lose my teaching license for being there.  It just wasn’t worth it.

 

I drove home, fixed my hair, threw my clothes in the dryer and then headed back to town a couple hours later.  I debated whether or not to go back into town because I didn’t want to be put in another situation like I had been earlier and I wasn’t sure how many classmates would be around to actually chat with.  I’m glad I went though.  I got to talk to a couple people that I hadn’t seen earlier and most importantly, I got to see my sisters ex-fiance.

 

My sister got engaged right out of high school to a guy she’d been dating for a couple years.  I *adored* this guy.  He was always a lot of fun and very patient with me – I’m sure I was a very clingy 3-4 year old.  They broke-up a week before their wedding.  I never knew the reason why but had always kind of figured it was his fault.  He did keep in touch with me for a few years – I still have the last birthday gift he gave to me.  When I was a sophomore in high school at softball practice one day I found out the truth about why they broke up.  One of my older teammates said, “Oh, you’re Dee’s little sister?  She’s the one who screwed over my cousin Brady.”  I was so confused and looked at my coach (who went to h.s. with my sister) with a questioning look.  She just looked at me and said yeah, that’s the way it was, didn’t you know?  Come to find out, my sister had slept with another guy and her fiance broke off their engagement because of it.  Hellava way to find out my sister was a whore in high school.

 

Anyway, it was so, so great to see him again.  I probably haven’t seen him since I was about 7 years old or so.  He was in shock and jokingly took my beer out of my hand ’cause to him I’ll *never* be old enough to drink.  He said he’d talked to my parents earlier in the evening and really did miss them (and especially my moms popcorn!)   Even if I never get to see him again, he’ll always feel like a big brother to me.

 

It was the first time he and my sister had seen each other since they broke up (18ish years ago).  They both left town and neither come back to visit that much.  My sister was basically stalking him, trying to get the nerve to talk to him and I’m sure he was very aware that she was in town.  They did eventually talk and for the rest of the night all my sister could talk about was how much he’s changed (not necessarily for the better – in her prejudiced opinion) and blah, blah, blah.  He mentioned to me that seeing my sister again was a shocker (and seeing me all grown up just really blew his mind. lol)  I thought to myself, “Geez you two, it’s been almost 20 years – get over it!”  But, then I realized – they were each others first loves.  They’ll never really get over it.

 

Speaking of first loves, mine was there this weekend.  He was in the parade actually and damn did he look good!  Yummy!  We didn’t get a chance to talk though – when I saw him I was making the rounds chatting with classmates and about the time I got done talking to my sisters ex-fiance he left.  I know he’s a total ass but damn, he is so hot!

The Trouble With Love Is…. August 1, 2008

That is my new favorite song!  Some chick sang it beautifully last night at karaoke.  I know I’ve heard it before but for some reason it really hit me last night.  I think it rings so true, at least for me.  I’m not a fan of songs that talk about love like it’s this great, wonderful thing because it just feels fake.  Yeah, it can be great and wonderful but sometimes it just plain sucks.  And, I don’t like songs that just rip on love and wreak of bitterness.  While I do feel that way about love from time to time, I do obviously think it can be great.   Like I said, this song just totally fits how I feel about love at this point in my life.

 

For instance, love can be great.  I was ridiculously happy with Hunter.  Though I must say that roses and diamonds have absolutely no impact on my romantic feelings for someone – I’m rather against material things like that actually.  But, it will fool me.  I put up with way more than I should (not just with Hunter – with pretty much any relationship I’ve been in).  Pride goes totally out the window for me after a major break-up.  I grovel, I beg, I try to deal – whatever is necessary to not lose that love.  So many times I’ve wondered how I could ever get over a particular guy but like “they” say, time wounds all heals. Hehe.  There are other lines I could comment on – really, all of them hit home to me in some way or another – but I’m tired and I’m sure you get the point. 

 

The Trouble With Love is

Kelly Clarkson

Love can be a many splendid thing
Can’t deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you’ll just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

 

Now I was once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

 

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

 

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps calling
And I keep on falling
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standing in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

 

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie 
It’s stronger then your pride
(The trouble with love is) It’s in your heart it’s in your soul
(It doesn’t care how fast you fall) Your losing your control
(And you can’t refuse the call)
See you’ve got no say at all
The trouble with love is (Oooh yeah)
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie (the trouble with love..)

 

First Love July 26, 2008

There’s something about ones first love.  It just sticks with you no matter where you go.  I consider my first love to be a guy I dated in high school.  We were on again and off again (and even when we were off again, we usually were unofficially together) for all four years of my high school hell.  We had a falling out in April of my senior year (he was a year younger) and didn’t talk again for 4 years.  He didn’t come to my graduation reception (his family did though) and I wasn’t invited to his the next year.  To this day it still hurts that he wasn’t at mine. 

 

We chatted at a wedding a couple years ago and patched things up somewhat.  I wouldn’t say we’re friends but if we see each other, we do chat a little.  But, like I said, he still haunts me.  I always ask my best friend about him, who was in his graduating class and sorta in his social circle.  And, I’m really bothered by who he’s dating right now (she claimed to be pregnant and have an abortion once but was never pregnant, then another time claimed to be pregnant but conveniently had a miscarriage before he was able to go to a doctors appt. with her. yeah – fucked up!)  Why the hell do I care who he’s dating?!  It’s not that I want to get back together with him by any means.  He was relatively immature in some ways for his age in high school and by all appearances, has actually taken a couple steps backwards as the years have passed. 

 

I have a feeling it will be much the same with Hunter.  He was my first D/s love.

 

Last weekend my sister spent the day with her ex-girlfriend.  They dated for only a few months, a few years ago.  It was extremely difficult for my sister to get over this woman – it was her first lesbian relationship and thus the first time she’d *really* cared about someone.  I had warned my sister against going to see her.  I told her that no matter how much she thinks she’s over the woman, feelings will still come back to her.  Sure enough, last night she confessed that it did stir up some feelings.  I refrained from saying “I told you so!” of course, but for two hours had to listen to her talk about her flipping feelings and try to encourage her that it will pass.  I tried to reiterate that a friendship just isn’t possible with this woman – it’s best if she puts it all behind her.  I’m sure she won’t listen to my advice and in a few months, or a year, or whatever, we’ll have the same conversation all over again.

 

But, I can’t really judge her.  I’m sure I’d do the same thing.

 

Lisa told me a couple weeks ago that her ex-husband had left her a message.  Let me tell ya – this guy is a real piece of work.  They’ve been divorced for 3ish years now and in that time tried to reconcile once (she found out he was majorly cheating on her) and since then have had minimal contact.  She recognizes that he’s a total bum, but his call the other day still shook her a little bit.  Granted, those feelings didn’t really mean anything – she didn’t even call him back but it made her stop and say ‘WTF?’

 

What is it about ones first love?  Just one of those mysteries of life I guess.

Laughed Until We Cried July 5, 2008

Oh man we were livin’, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

 

Those are some lyrics from “Laughed Until We Cried” by Jason Aldean.  I had never heard the song before today and for some reason those lyrics just really struck me.   That is exactly what I want. 

 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked, “What do you look for in a guy?”  I’m looking for someone who can make me smile, someone who makes me happy simply by being who they are.  I’m sure that’s what most people are looking for but how many people actually recognize it?   Most answers to the above questions go something like, “I want a guy/girl who is adventurous, keeps fit, likes sci-fi and sports.” I feel like so many people (myself included) lose sight of what really matters when we’re looking for our life partner.   

 

I love couple watching when I go out to eat but a lot of times it’s fairly depressing.  I see so many couples eat their dinner in silence, with a less than thrilled look on their faces.  I understand that in some circumstances there could be extenuating circumstances but that’s definitely not the case most of the time.  I fear that too many people just settle for what they can get at that moment in time.  I fear I will do the same.

 

I’ve dated a lot of guys (most of them not seriously) and very, very few have actually been the type of guy I want to be with.  I still miss Hunter A LOT sometimes and I do think I would be happy with him in the long run, to a certain degree.  He definitely made me smile sometimes, and I’m sure I laughed with him once in a while, but I can’t see us ever laughing until we cry. 

 

Part of me thinks that society has given us unrealistic expectations of what love and relationships should be (but I’ll get into that another time).  But, you know, laughing until we cry isn’t really all that much to expect from a relationship, in my opinion.  I don’t know if I have any friends that I haven’t done that with, so why wouldn’t I want that with the person I want to spend my life with?  But, how many people hardly laugh with their partner – especially after the first few years of marriage?  Too few in my opinion, and my hypothesis is it’s because they settled.  My parents have been married for 39 years and they laugh until they cry on a semi-regular basis.  Granted, there were some bad years (before my time) when my mom considered divorce but now they’re happy as hell. 

 

So, I know finding someone whom I laugh with until I cry isn’t asking too much.  But, having patience to wait until I find that person…that may be asking too much! LOL.

Let the stars fade and fall, and I won’t care at all as long as I have you March 16, 2008

Hunter and I had an absolutely delightful evening last night.  He met me at a friends house for her twins’ birthday party.  I was so proud to be able to call him mine!  I am extremely shy around new people so I know I wouldn’t have said anything, but he jumped right into the conversation.  My friend was very impressed by him – both his personality and his appearance.  Her last comment to me was, “You know, friends share!”  I made some offhand comment about not sharing him or something along those lines.  If I had been thinking I would have made some comment about taking her up on it – just to see the look on Hunter’s face!

Last night at the hockey game, I put my arm in his!  I know, big whoop, right?  It was actually a big deal for me.  I am VERY anti-PDA, as I think I’ve said before.  But, I knew it meant a lot to Hunter to show some affection. And, to be honest, it was hard for me to sit next next to him and not touch him in some way.  At one point he leaned over to kiss me and I almost kissed him back, momentarily forgetting where we were.  As soon as I realized we were in public, I quickly pulled away.  We both got a little chuckle out of it though.

All of Hunter’s roommates were gone for spring break so we went to his place for the night.  It was nice to not have to worry about being quiet, like we have to at my place usually.  On the way to his place, which is about a 30 minute drive, I had him take his cock out and rub it.  That made me so fucking horny.  I don’t get off on watching people get off, just doesn’t do a whole lot for me.  I, of course, couldn’t watch him too much because I was driving.  When I wasn’t stealing glances, I was picturing it in my head.  Just knowing he was sitting there with his cock out for *me* was so hot. 

Shortly after we got to his place I administered his punishment spankings.  I had three objects to use (belt, wooden spoon, and brush).  He received 5 swats with each object for both of his offenses (for a total of 30 swats).  I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it all that much but I sure did!  Spanking will definitely be a big part of our relationship from now on.  That being said, I’ll probably need to find an alternative form of punishment.  While I know he doesn’t exactly enjoygetting spanked, he is a masochist so there is a certain level of enjoyment and punishment is not to be about enjoyment.  But, he really is a good boy so I don’t foresee having to make a decision about punishment for a while.

I’ve read a lot about punishment being a cleansing thing for a sub/slave.  I think it can also be a cleansing thing for the dominant one also, at least for me that’s the case.  Girls can be caddy individuals, myself included.  While I cannot think of specific instances at the moment, I know there have been times in past relationships that I have thrown my partners transgressions in his face for quite some time.  I know I won’t have that problem with Hunter.  After his punishment, it was as if those transgressions never happened.  I wasn’t expecting to feel that way – not that I was expecting to feel the opposite either.  I just wasn’t expecting anything I guess.  It was a really welcome surprise.

I told him I loved him.  Well, my exact words were, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”  I’ve been thinking about saying it for a few days but was really hesitant because of his reaction to my post titled “Ramblings of an [almost] love-stricken girl.” Turns out I had nothing to worry about though.  He said something along the lines of already being in love with me.  I wasn’t totally convinced he was sincere though.  In the morning I told him I loved him again and he basically mumbled it back and added “so, so much.” I was afraid he’d said it just to please me or out of a sense of obligation.  But, later in the afternoon he randomly texted me saying he loved me and missed me already.  We talked about it online a little later too and sure enough, he’s being thinking about telling me for a little bit.  I over-analyze stuff too much!

I’m in the process of looking for an anklet for Hunter.  I wanted some physical sign of my ownership of him.  He already has a necklace he wears regularly and he’s not a ring guy.  I’d like to find something with the bdsm emblem (3 part yin-yang type thing) but most things I like that I’ve found are sold out or ridiculously expensive.  I thought about making him one but I can’t find emblem beads. I may just have to give up on having the emblem.  So, I may settle for a vanilla type one.  We discussed the symbolism behind the anklet – to make sure we were on the same page about its meaning.  To us, the anklet is an outward, physical sign of his submission to me – that he is Mine.  Also, it is a physical reminder of the commitment we’ve made to the D/s lifestyle and to one another – that we are committed to working through problems, if we have any – there will be no just breaking up type stuff.  I made it clear that I don’t take this lightly and Hunter said he completely agreed.

Hunter is on spring break this week.  He’ll be back in the area next Monday or Tuesday but he works Tuesday & Wednesday and I’m going to my parents for a few days with the rest of my family on Wednesday.  So, we may not see each other for two weeks. 

[Title is from "As Long as I have You" by Elvis.]