Something Missing? August 14, 2008

Society tells me that something is missing from my life.  I should be in a relationship.  I should *want* a relationship.  I feel like everyone my age is getting married or living with someone.  Everyone (well 13 of 15) people I work with are in long-term relationships (this makes company/family gatherings rather awkward and embarrassing). 

But you know what, I’m happy alone – at the moment anyway.  Yes, I miss Hunter and I would get back together with him if I had the chance (assuming quite a few things changed from the last time we dated).  Other than him, I don’t actually feel like I want a relationship.  I have chatted with guys here and there but I just don’t put forth the effort needed to really get something going with them.  It’s not that I don’t like these guys, it’s more that starting and maintaining a relationship just isn’t a priority for me right now. 

 

Perhaps it’s that starting a new relationship does take a fair amount of work and I’m just lazy.  Or perhaps part of me thinks it can’t get better than it was with Hunter so why bother? (Though on a conscious level, I know that’s stupid.)  Maybe I have lost hope in the male gender as a whole so I don’t see the point in pursuing anything – he’ll just cheat on me anyway.  I don’t think any of those are the main reasons though (they could be factors – I’m not ruling that out).  I just don’t need a relationship to be genuinely happy, to be at peace with myself. 

 

I’m not implying I wouldn’t be happy if I was in a relationship, I’m just pleased that I don’t crave or need one to be happy.  There are times I’ve felt like that though – and I’m sure there will be many more over the years.  But, for the past month or so  I’ve felt this way consistently.  I love being able to do what I want, when I want.  I love not feeling the highs and lows I seem to have when in a relationship (ie: if the guy doesn’t call when he says he’s going to I get worried/depressed).  I love being able to spend as much time as possible planning for the upcoming preschool year. 

 

I am genuinely happy being single!

 

~*~*~

Now, to do a total 180 – Hunter and I have a little something going again.  Here I’m just talking about happy I am single and at the same time I kinda have my boy back (but, I have been feeling content being single for a while – I don’t feel that way simply because I do have a guy but not a “boyfriend” in my life).  We aren’t dating but as far as sex is concerned, I am back to “owning” him. 

 

This all came about earlier today over my lunch hour.  He made some comment about his owner being the first to know when he’s moving back for sure (sometime within the next 2 weeks – woohoo!) and I told him not to use that term unless he meant it.  His reply was “as long as you don’t mind owning me.”  Ugh – of course not!!  I was sure to ask what exactly he meant by “owned” because it could be taken as either getting back together or just having a D/s monogamous sexual relationship.  I figured it was the latter, and I was correct.  And, I was/am totally fine with that.  He can have his life, I can have mine and every week or so we’ll get together for some fun.  I know there will be moments when it will be difficult not having more but overall, I think this is going to work well for us.

 

I just talked to him a little about being honest about his feelings this time around.  I didn’t want to experience again the whole there being something wrong but him running away from it rather than talking to me about it thing that created drama in our lives for the month or so leading up to our break-up.  He took the opportunity to clarify that he wants to be “owned” by me but won’t have the time for an all-out relationship.  I immensely appreciated his honesty and assured him I wasn’t expecting that.  But, I reiterated that this time around he *has* to be more honest and forthcoming about his feelings/doubts/whatever than he was when we dated. 

 

Oh, and after we re-established that we were back to the D/s thing, I was quick to reinstate the no cumming without permission rule.  The next time he is allowed to cum is approx. 1 hour before he comes to my place in the next week or two.  We’re both gonna be horny as hell and I sure as heck don’t want it all to be over in a minute!

 

~*~*~

A water pipe broke in Lisa’s apartment last weekend and they had to move out of the hell hole.  On Monday when she told me about it and I offered to help them move if they needed it.  I sincerely meant it when I offered it.  But, then I realized the Packers were playing.  It was their first game of the season and kind of a big deal because of the whole Favre/Rodgers drama.  When she called back to take me up on my offer I told her if they really needed the help, I’d be there but that I really did want to watch the game.  She let me off the hook ’cause there was some family there helping her.  What an awful friend I am though!  Good thing she’s the greatest girl ever and is able to look past my selfishness.  I think I’ve said this before (hehe) but I’m so lucky I found her!

Random Update August 4, 2008

I have been wanting to do a post for a while now but have been busy.  Preschool starts in a few weeks and there’s *a lot* of prep involved for a new school year – especially for a first year teacher.  Granted, I do have a co-teacher but I also have 3 sections for a total of 40ish students.  Plus, my co-teacher had a baby on Thursday and he’s not doing well.  He was air-lifted the day he was born to a state-of-the-art hospital a couple hours away, which is where he still is.  He wasn’t able to breathe on his own for the first couple days.  He is now but there are still problems – his parents haven’t been able to hold him yet.  So, no one really knows when she’ll be back to work.  There’s a good chance I’ll be on my own to start off the year.  That scares the shit out of me! 

 

~*~*~

Lisa came over for dinner and to hang out one evening last week.  We basically spent the evening sitting on the couch chatting, watching a ‘lil tv, and she did some knitting.  Throughout the evening she made a couple comments that made me wonder if she didn’t have something more than friendship in mind for us.  Granted, the possibility of more crossed my mind before we even met – how could it not considering our similar interests (both vanilla and in the lifestyle), our locations and similar ages.  Oh, and of course the fact that she’s GORGEOUS had something to do with it.  But, I never let my mind wonder that way.  I didn’t want to hassle with romantic feelings interfering with this potentially amazing friendship, and I was rather successful with that. 

 

But, when she was at my place the other night and she made a subtle comment or two, I started to look at her differently.  It was like a switch clicked in my head.  I wanted her.  Because I couldn’t get it out of my head and in general I’m a very forward person, I just went ahead and asked her point blank if she had something more than friendship in mind for us (or something along those lines – I don’t remember my exact words anymore).  She didn’t seemed surprised but did ask for clarification, though I’m convinced she knew exactly what I meant! lol.  She said something along the lines of not being completely opposed to the idea but reiterated that her top priority is her relationship with her fiance, which she needs to focus on right now. 

 

I must say I was relieved by her response.  If she was interested in pursuing something romantic with me, I would be open to it, but at the same time I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.  Plus, the relationship with her fiance would always be primary and while I identify as bisexual, I want to spend my life with a man.  So, if we were to pursue something, we would be jeopardizing an unbelievable friendship for something that was almost guaranteed not to last.

 

We hung out a fair amount on Saturday and it was completely normal.  I didn’t feel like there was any awkwardness or anything along those lines.  Perhaps she did though, I don’t know.  I love the friendship we have – the fact that we are so radically honest with each other and that neither of us get freaked out too easily.

 

~*~*~

Yesterday a guy from a vanilla dating site contacted me.  I was not impressed.  We chatted over messenger for almost an hour and during that time he asked nothing personal about me that was not of a sexual nature.  He wanted to meet today which freaked me out – we’d just started chatting!  Plus, like I said, he just seemed extremely shallow.  He asked me at one point to tell me something crazy about myself.  By that point I’d decided I wasn’t interested so I said, “I’m into bdsm.”  I thought for sure it would scare him away.

 

It didn’t.  Well, it did – it just took a while.  He pretended to be all interested in it and turned on by some of my posts (I gave him the link to my blog).  I had no clue where to start to explain the lifestyle to him.  There are so many different approaches, theories, etc.  After wasting another hour of my time, he concluded it did in fact freak him out.  Mission Accomplished. lol.

Hugs & Happiness July 22, 2008

I’ve written a lot of posts about being bummed/depressed/whatever the case may be.  This time, I’m writing because I’M HAPPY!!!

 

Today I went to my least favorite store in the world because it is the cheapest place to get stuff and I don’t make much money but have to buy most of the supplies for my classroom.  I was annoyed by something before I even walked through the door.  The annoyance only grew as I walked through the store – just being in the building pissed me off, there are a ton of people there and people are dumb, and I couldn’t find a few things.  But you know what?  Driving home, I was still in a good mood.  This has never happened to me before.  Usually when *everything* seems to be annoying me it means I’m in a totally shitty and most likely depressed mood.  Today was the opposite – easily annoyed yet happy as hell.  I love it!

 

~*~*~

I love hugs.  I think hugs are the greatest thing ever.  I’m very lucky to have a family that isn’t afraid to be affectionate.  I haven’t always been so keen on hugs.  In my pre-teen/teen years I was *extremely* anti-hugs.  That’s normal to a certain degree but it was really extreme for me.  But, thankfully I grew out of that!

 

A friend once told me that for optimum mental health, a person should get 9 hugs a day.  I don’t know how accurate that theory is but one can’t deny that hugs usually “help” a person.  Hugs are one thing I really miss about having a boyfriend.  I *loved* when Hunter hugged me.  Despite the fact that I’m dominant, I still enjoy the feeling I get when I’m hugged by a guy I care about – so protected and safe.  I really, really miss that.

 

My group of friends isn’t extremely affectionate.  For the most part, my college friends and I only hugged at the beginning and end of school years.  Our senior year we hugged a little more – we had grown extremely close and we knew the end was near.  I always craved more though.  Sometimes I’d be in a totally great mood and just want to hug someone!  But I would refrain because they just weren’t huggy people. 

 

The night I met Lisa I felt like I wanted to hug her before we left.  How weird is that?  We’d just freaking met! But right off the bat I’d felt a connection to her and we’d discussed a lot of deep stuff despite the fact we’d just met.  Of course I didn’t hug her though – any sane person would have slapped someone who tried to hug them the first time they met (except in romantic settings or special circumstances of course).  A part of me still wants to hug her when I see her or when we say goodbye.  It’s odd because I’ve never had a friend I’ve felt like that with before.  I was thinking and the best way I can describe her is a “sister-heart.”  It’s pretty sweet.

Socially awkward July 20, 2008

I met Lisa’s fiance/dom (she uses the term “Daddy” most frequently) last night – I’ll call him Landon.  It went well.  Actually, I’d say it didn’t go badly. It was nothing too exciting really.  This is only the second time I’ve spent time with a D/s couple.  The first time was with a couple that was pretty lax about it and I was dating them so it was a lot different.

 

I kind of feel like I acted like an idiot last night.  When I’m nervous I get quiet but do this smile/giggle thing.  I hate it.  I did it a lot last night.  I don’t know why I was *so* nervous.  It was just weird because I know their “secret” and I’m not sure if they’ve ever really spent time with anyone else who knows.  Plus, Landon’s good friend was there, whom Lisa had wanted me to meet.  But, he brought his mom so that was a little awkward.  When all five of us were hanging out I was totally quiet.  I said next to nothing.  I am so bad at making conversation.  But when just Lisa and I were hanging out talking I was my normal chatty self.  I thought I was getting past my social anxiety a little – obviously not!! Grrrr.

 

I’d seen a picture of Landon before and he kind of looked like a softie teddy bear type person.  And that is true to a certain degree – he is a gentile, thoughtful person.  But since I knew he was dominant in their relationship, I felt that more than the softie part when we met.  He wasn’t harsh or anything like that – quite the opposite actually. It was a totally normal vanilla metting. But I knew that other side was there.  Looking back, I think I was a little intimidated by him.  Even though his dominance has absolutely nothing to do with me, I was worried about messing up somehow, which is just stupid.  I was not able to look at him as just a person – it was always as a dominant.  That is extremely puzzling to me.  I wonder how I would react if I were to go to a munch and interacted on a vanilla level with other doms there. 

 

Sometimes I really just don’t get me. LOL.

Life’s funny like that July 18, 2008

I have this new friend, Lisa, that I’ve written about here before.  She is so awesome.  We totally click.  In a nutshell, she’s the person I *want* (but don’t have the drive) to be.  We were totally meant to meet and become friends at this point in time.  I’m convinced.

 

Her first message on Fetlife arrived about the time things were falling apart (for good) with Hunter.  I needed someone then, someone I could talk to that knew the whole story.  I know I talked a fair amount about Hunter and I the first time we met – the wounds were still very fresh at that point, but I haven’t a whole lot since then.  We have so much in common that is not related to D/s that we haven’t gotten into too much detail about that aspect of our lives (we definitely talk about it, just not as at length as a lot of other topics).  Being able to really talk it all out the first time we met with someone who understood helped immensely.  Yeah, I’d gone over the whole thing with my therapist but she didn’t really “get” me.  Lisa did – even though she’s submissive.  Plus, just knowing someone who knew the whole story was available to talk made a *huge* difference. 

 

I’ve also been going through an adjustment time socially.  In college I had the most amazing group of friends.  I was lucky enough to live with good friends all four years and the ones I didn’t live with, lived close.  Then we all graduated.  Of my closest friends, only one stayed in the state (and luckily, in town).  All of a sudden I went from having social network around me 24/7 to having one friend in town.  It was an adjustment.  Not to imply I don’t have other friends – I do.  There are a few former co-workers I have stayed close with but they’re all older.  Seeing them every other week-ish just wasn’t the same as hanging out with friends all the time.  A few weeks before Lisa contacted me, I found out my last good college friend in town was moving to another state.  I was totally bummed.  I was especially bummed because she knew about my sexual lifestyle choices (though she didn’t totally get them, she didn’t judge me either), and we had a TON in common in regards to politics and where religion was concerned, she was/is the only one in my life who gets my beliefs.  Even though we’d still be able to talk and keep in touch, it wouldn’t be the same as having her here to talk to.

 

Enter Lisa.  The more we chat, the more we find we have in common.  Politics and religion can be iffy issues to discuss so naturally they didn’t come up right away but slowly they have and much like my college friend, she gets where I’m coming from with so many issues.  More than once I’ve shared with her things I’m not proud of thinking/feeling/doing and she hasn’t judged me at all.  Last night there was one instance where I confessed something and her reaction was something along the lines of, “Me too!”  Hehe.

 

She obviously entered my life at a good time for me.  And the same could probably be said for the timing in her life too.  Her fiance recently changed shifts so she went from spending every evening with him to basically only seeing him on the weekends.  It was a difficult adjustment for her and I think she has appreciated having someone to fill her evenings every now and then.  Yesterday she texted me, wanting someone to talk to about her ex-husbands recent appearance in her life once again.  I’m glad I had the evening free and was able to stop by for a chat.  It seemed like her spirits were lifted by the time I left.  I hope that was the case at least.

 

Sometimes life has a funny way of just working out.  It’s things like this  – perfect timing and perfect people – that make life so great.

Chopped Liver July 16, 2008

That’s what the kids called me yesterday while we were mini-golfing.  Ironically enough, it was a term of endearment. 

 

~*~*~

 

“What do you do when you realize all your dreams have come true?” -Coyote Ugly

 

That’s how I was feeling last night when I got home from work.  I had an awesome time mini-golfing with my kids and a kick-ass meeting with the other preschool teachers and our bosses after work.  I found out I’m going to be salary in the fall!  That may not sound like a big deal but it made me feel really “grown-up”. LOL.  I’ll have a 9 month contract and during the summer months (when it’s more of a daycare setting), go back to hourly.   And, we get a NICE bonus at the end of the school year.  Also, because of new state requirements I need to take some more college classes.  I was planning on starting grad school next year but will start school of some sort this fall I guess.  I’m really excited to be a student again – as cheesy as it sounds, I love learning!!

 

Plus, last night I was planning a scavenger hunt for my kids for today (they loved it!) and doing almost anything school related makes me happy.  AND, I had the most delightful dinner with my friend Lisa.  She’s one of those people that just always has thus peaceful aura about her.  How can one not be happy spending time with someone like that?

 

So, yeah. I was in a super great mood last night.

 

Tonight, I almost got choked up when my sister told me I had to turn down the thermostat 1 degree.  I think part of the reaction was because I felt like I’d gotten in trouble for turning it *all* the way down to 80 degrees (seriously, what’s the point of even having central air?)  I’m planning to go to the Y tomorrow morning so I’m hoping that helps me rebound a bit.

Two new friends June 25, 2008

I had a date-ish type thing last night.  I *though* it went well but I haven’t heard from him since so I can’t really say for sure. 

 

I met the guy at Coldstone.  We had ice cream then headed back to my place.  When we got to my place we watched Top Gun and chatted.  We *really* clicked on a vanilla level.  At one point I turned to him and said, “So, you gonna kiss me or what?”  I’m forward like that with guys.  Even as a domme I’m not a big fan of making the first move so by saying that I’m technically making the first move but they actually have to make the first physical move.   We kissed a little but the mood was abruptly killed when he started kissing my neck.  See, I work with kids and that day we’d gone to the pool.  The pool requires putting sunscreen on.  Sunscreen does not taste yummy.  After we got done laughing our asses off we went back to watching the movie.  When the movie was over we watched a little TV (an hours worth actually) until I finally said something AGAIN about him making a move.  We made out a little more and then I had him take off his pants.  I caused him a lil pain, teased him A LOT and we made out a little more and he went down on me.  I had told him previously that he could cum that night so I had him masturbate until he came.  Then he left.

 

I understand why he had to leave so abruptly – it was 11, he had an hour drive home and had to be up for work at 3:30 a.m. the next morning.  I hadn’t realized that he had to get up so early until that point.  Even though it makes complete sense that he would leave then, it still made me wonder about his interest in me (I know, I worry too damn much!)  And, he was supposed to text me when he got home so I knew he’d made it safely.  He didn’t and I didn’t hear from him at all today either. 

 

I’d be pretty disappointed if he isn’t interested.  Like I said, we totally hit it off on a vanilla level.  We have a lot in common but enough minor differences to keep things interesting.  We talked a lot about sports and politics and life in general.  Hunter and I rarely talked about things like that at length.  But, sexually Hunter is hard to beat.  I didn’t click sexually with this guy the way I do/did with Hunter.  I did get turned on but not like with Hunter.  I think that could improve if more feelings develop though.  But who knows if he even wants that to happen.

 

I called Hunter last night after my date left.  I told him I’d had a date and that I did like the guy.  He didn’t have a whole lot to say.  He just said he can’t ask me to wait around for him.  He had to go abruptly though because he had friends over but I stressed that I wanted to talk about it with him some more.  I know he has more thoughts on it than what he said I just wish he would tell me!  But, he’s never been good at expressing his thoughts/feelings so I don’t know why this time would be any different. 

 

~*~*~

A few weeks ago a girl (we’ll call her Lisa) from my area who is my age and a sub contacted me on the fetlife website.  I think I’d mentioned her previously.  Well, we met tonight for coffee.  We chatted for a little over two hours!  The time just flew!  I can’t even begin to put into words how great it is to actually hang out with someone who “gets” you – someone you can be pretty much totally open with.  I was totally comfortable with her right off the bat.  I talked a lot – too much probably!  But, I was totally myself and even shared a story or two that didn’t portray me in the best light.  It’s so refreshing to know right off the bat that someone is going to accept you for who you are.  Plus, it is cool to have a friend who’s actually in a 24/7 D/s relationship.  The only 24/7’s I’ve been exposed to are from blogs I’ve read which isn’t quite the same.  She and her fiance were vanilla for a year or so before she brought up her interest in D/s.  He wasn’t really a dominant person at all before she brought it up but he’s really embraced it.  How cool is that?  Perhaps I shouldn’t totally rule out vanilla relationships…

 

~*~*~

Also, I got a promotion of sorts at work today!  Right now I’m working in the two 4 year old rooms as kind of a floater.  But, next week one of the room leaders is going to have her baby so I’m taking over her room while she’s out on maternity leave!  I’ll have my “own” room again and they’ll be school-aged kids!  I’ll get to plan art lessons and go on super cool field trips (last week they went on a riverboat ride down the river!).  And, in the fall I’m officially going to be a pre-school teacher!  They’re re-doing their system and starting the team-teaching approach.  I’ll be team teaching with the woman who’s going to be on maternity leave (she’ll be back by then).  I’m SO relieved to have a set-in-stone job for the fall!  And, since I know I’m staying in the area, I think I’m going to apply for grad school in the fall.  YAY!