Instincts April 14, 2009

I haven’t always made the best choices when it comes to men.  I often stay waaaay longer than I should.  Somtimes it’s that I settle for someone I don’t really care all that much for.  But usually, it’s that I want them so badly (not to be confused with deeply) that I’ll overlook anything in an attempt to convince myself that everything is okay.   Granted, this is usually more applicable to online “relationships” where it’s hard to check out someone’s story – but I’ve experienced it more than once in face-to-face relationships also. 

There was a guy I met online (Jay…I’ve written about him before) but met up with more than once.  I was convinced he had a girlfriend or wife.  But he denied it…until I was ready to walk away.  He fessed up to it, claiming she knew everything; he was just “testing” me to see how far I would go for him.  I chose to ignore all the signs to the contrary and continued to correspond with him.

Then there was Carter.  I haven’t written much about recent events with him but it’s safe to say there were *many* signs that things weren’t quite right.  I’d voice my doubts but would eventually break down and take him at his word.  That totally bit me in the ass.

It’s hard to know where to even start with Hunter.  He broke his word to me countless times (about calling and what some might consider minor things) yet I denied the obvious underlying fact that he didn’t really care about me, wasn’t really committed to us. 

Most recently is the boy from NYC.  I referenced him at the end of a previous post I think.  I normally don’t talk to guys who aren’t within driving distance but his initial e-mail was very intriguing and I found he seemed rather “normal.”  I really don’t think I’ve met a guy I’ve had as much in common with (yeah, I’ve felt sparks with other guys but sparks don’t always equal having much in common).  We shared similar opinions in regards to social issues, politics, religion AND sexuality.  I just thought he was perfect for me.  Then we both got on cam last night.  I swear I saw a band on his left ring finger.  I swear it.  After I asked to see his left hand (I’d seen enough glipses to be convinced enough of what I saw to actually say something) his hands moved out of the view of the screen and he didn’t say anything.  A few seconds later his hand reappeared and he started denying there was a ring there.  I easily could have chose to believe him.  But, I didn’t.  I’m confident in what I saw and I’m *finally* following my instincts.

When getting in trouble is a good thing April 7, 2008

Hunter fucked up big time last night.  Big time.

We made plans for him to come over when he got off work at 5.  6 o’clock rolls around and I get a little worried.  His phone was off (come to find out, he lost his phone).  So, I got online.  Thankfully he was there and he said he’d hurry and get here as soon as possible (which would be about an hour since he had to shower and stuff too).  An hour and a half pass and I start to freak out.  He’s not online and of course I can’t reach him by phone because it’s lost.  It was awful.  Every car I heard I looked out the window to see if it was him.  Two hours after I talked to him I started crying.  I knew I’d been stood up.

I was absolutely crushed.  If he wanted to end things, why didn’t he just do it?  Why would he make plans and then not see them through.  A while ago I mentioned a guy named Jay who stood me up a few times but I was stupid enough to keep going back.  Him doing that made last night even more dramatic.  I felt like that was happening to me all over again.  I thought there were signs I should have seen, that I didn’t and all that kind of stuff.

Eventually Hunter got online.  He had fallen asleep before he’d even made it to the shower.  How that could even happen, I don’t know, but he swears it’s the truth.  It may be totally stupid of me, but I chose to believe him.  I asked him point blank if he still wanted me and he instantly said “yes”.  I asked if he was having doubts of any sorts about me/us and he said “no, not at all.”  We continued to talk online for over an hour, and we even got to talk online a little this morning, which was a welcome surprise. 

I’m still keeping myself guarded though.  I’m *forcing* myself to keep my guard up.  I want to let it down and trust him totally, but I won’t let myself.  I’m so scared about being played.  I’ve known a lot of assholes in my day and while I “know” Hunter isn’t one of them, I’m quick to remind myself that that’s also what I said about many other guys. 

That being said though, he is coming over tonight and while a big part of the evening will be punishment, I think it will be a turning point of sorts.  I hope that after tonight I’m totally 100% convinced he’s not going anywhere – that he is totally mine, emotionally and physically.  Recently, Hunter and I have been having some amazing sex – every time we see each other.  Since we don’t have an excessive amount of time together, sex has taken up the vast majority of the time. I think that will be changing.

Even before last night happened, I had been worried that our relationship was becoming too physical.  I think one of the reasons I was becoming more and more insecure was because there was more fucking yet less talking when we were together.  I felt part of the emotional connection that stemmed from communication slipping away and that worried me.  But, at the same time I was hesitant to cut back on the sex. I was afraid that if he wasn’t getting any regularly, he wouldn’t want me anymore.  Hunter and I talked about that and he assured me that would not happen.  But, if it does happen, it happens.  It would definitely suck.  But, the alternative is continuing the way we’ve been going which has obviously not been the best for me/us.

There was more I wanted to ramble about but I need to get going.  Perhaps I’ll return to this later.

Ghosts From the Past Haunt My Present February 18, 2008

Yep, I was freaking out over nothing yesterday – or so it seems.  Late last night I got a message from Paden on collarme (seems he deactivated his profile, didn’t actually close his account – I didn’t know there was a difference!)  He had stopped at an internet cafe so he could send me a message, letting me know what happened.  In the early afternoon he had to rush his roommate to the hospital and with all of the excitement, forgot to take his cell phone.  Totally understandable. In the note he said he was heading home.

I left him a message saying to call me whenever he got home.  He didn’t.  I woke up at 2:45 a.m. and saw that no one had called and there were no imms either.  When I woke up this morning I had another note from him on collarme.  He got home really late so decided not to call (we’re going to talk about that…)  He told me has to work until later this evening and that he can’t wait to talk to me. 

So, all of my fears should be gone and everything should be fine, correct?  Nope. I’ve mentioned a dom I was involved with for about a year – Jay.  Yeah, he fucked me up really bad.  He lied to me a lot – I allowed him to be part of my life far longer than I should have.  For instance, he said he came to meet me one time (we live about 3.5 hrs apart) but that he couldn’t find my place and that he tried calling but I didn’t answer my phone.  I was crushed when he hadn’t showed and even though I knew deep down he was lying, I chose to believe him.  He admitted a few months later that he had lied, he’d never come to town.  You’d think I would have kicked him to the curb then.  Not so much.  Another weekend I drove down to see him, got a hotel and he never showed.  This time his friend had been taken the the ER that morning, he’d tried to call me and blah blah blah.  Again, I knew he was lying but I chose to believe him anyway.  That similar situation happened at least 2-3 more times, if not more.  Yeah, I was VERY stupid, what can I say. 

That has obviously had its effects though.  If I don’t hear from a guy when I should, I freak out (like yesterday) because when Jay was in my life, not hearing from him meant I was being stood up (but, he would also always have an excuse that I couldn’t argue with without seeming like a cold-hearted bitch).  And, when someone does have a reason for why something didn’t work out, I’m hesitant to believe them.  It’s not fair at all to Paden that I doubt him – he really has done nothing to make me doubt that what he tells me is the truth. 

I’m sure when I talk to him this evening everything will be fine and go back to “normal.”  But until then I’ll continue to feel as if we’re in a limbo that exists only in my head.