Hope & Despair September 21, 2009

This is going to become an extremely boring blog (not to imply it’s all that exciting at this point!)  Hunter and I are done for the time being.  I fucked up big time and doubt he’ll ever forgive me (though I can’t bring myself to completely give up hope which some say is a good thing but it sure makes coping and moving on more difficult!).  I may write about it eventually, but am definitely not ready to yet.  I have also put things with Grant on hold for the time being.  It sounds so unbelievably cheesy but I want to “find myself”.   Even though I know I would hook up with Hunter again in a heartbeat, because of the inconsistent status of our relationship, I became someone I don’t want to be. 

 

It’s not only with guys that I’m disappointed in myself. I used to do service and was all about creating social change.  Yeah, I haven’t done any kind of service in over a year.  I feel like my decrease of TV and increase of NPR are improvements in this area (it makes me more of a global citizen than one of our ignorant, shallow society only) but beyond that, nothing.  I’m just not as happy as I used to be.  I totally notice it in my teaching.  I’m just not as enthusiastic as I was last year. 

 

In addition to taking a step away from relationships (well, except for the possibility of hooking up with a dom friend but he’s leaving in a month so it wouldn’t amount to more than a scene or two), I think I’m going to start going to church again.  I can’t say that my core beliefs have changed but there is something unbelievably comforting about church for me.  I don’t know if it’s the sense of community one oddly feels sitting among strangers or feeling closer to God (not to imply one actually *is* closer) or if it’s the passages and sermon. 

 

And, I sent an e-mail to a contact in Haiti about the possibility of working there.  I’ve mentioned a few times that I’ve felt pulled in that direction the past few months but just couldn’t take the steps to make it happen.  Whether or not anything will actually come of my inquiry, I do feel that it is a step in the right direction.  Hell, it’s a step!  That’s more than I’ve taken the past couple of years to improve my happiness.

 

Despite the fact that I have a lot of hope for my life (with the Haiti inquiry and rediscovering my faith and all) I am still very sad.  I cry daily.  Never sobs, just a few tears here and there.   If it was PMS, it would have passed by now.  Damnit.

Slump September 17, 2009

I think I’ve hit some sort of slump/depression.  This whole last week I’ve been completely unproductive when I get home from work.  I’m getting at least 9 hrs. of sleep a night.  At my last therapy session I had set a goal to walk 4 times a week.  I haven’t gone on a walk since then.  I was at such a high then, only a couple of weeks ago.  It’s been a rough week in regards to Hunter and shit hit the fan last night so I know that isn’t going to help things.  I had plans with Grant for tomorrow night but I bailed because I just don’t want to be around anyone (well, except Hunter which isn’t gonna be happening anytime soon).  I just want to lay in bed and do nothing.  I’m hoping it’s just PMS but who the heck knows.

Your Signature is Ugly September 10, 2009

That’s what Hunter told me at the conclusion of our lovely meal together on Monday night.  As I was paying for the damn meal, might I add!  He’s such a romantic.  It actually gave us quite a good laugh.  And, btw, I think my signature is cute!

 

Backing up a little bit – Grant and I got together a week ago.  We met up at a hotel.  It was definitely the least intense but most service oriented time we’ve had together thus far.  He gave me one of his amazing massages, which was a little more erotic than in the past.  I freaking love it.  Mmmmmm!  He also took some pictures of me.  I wasn’t too pleased with the ones I saw on his camera but I haven’t seen the normal versions yet (I can’t imagine I’d be more impressed with the larger ones!)  I don’t find bbw women to be unattractive by any means, but when it’s myself – uck!  Then, he fucked me with the dildo I use with my strap-on.  I didn’t make him wear the strap-on (seriously, what kind of bitch would do that to a guy?  Oh wait, I did…more on that later!), he just fucked me with it.  It is a big dildo and I wanted to make sure I could take it.  The night concluded with Grant fucking me doggie style.  It’s the first time we’ve really had sex.  It was freaking awesome!  Definitely the best doggie style sex I’ve ever had (which I was sure to text Hunter about while I was laying naked next to Grant, hehe).  I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as it was.  Not to imply I didn’t think Grant would be good, just that I had other plans in mind.  I had made Grant fetch my book (he was to bring it to me in his mouth, like a good little puppy).  I was going to read it while I allowed him to fuck me.  Yeah, that didn’t quite work out. lol.

 

~*Fast forward four days*~

 

As I referenced before, Hunter and I had a very enjoyable time together at dinner.  When we got back to my place, I pulled out my dildo and strap-on.  I had mentioned to him a couple of times that I wanted to take his ass, despite his pleas to the contrary.  I got a condom out, put it on the dildo and told him to put it on.  He was not at all happy about wearing it.  I told him that now I know how good doggie can really be and since he can’t last long enough to please me that way, he’d have to fuck me with a real cock.  He is well endowed but next to my dildo it was tiny.  I was sure to point that out to him multiple times.  I made him fuck me quite a while with the dildo, all the while taunting him about how much better it was than he is and how it’s so great to finally have a cock that can last longer than 30 seconds.  Between my comments there was a fair amount of begging to be in me.  The whole time he fucked me that way, I could feel his cock rubbing up against my pussy lips and clit – that was extremely hot to me!  Eventually I let him stop but laid it on thick how satisfied I was by it and that I didn’t need his cock anymore.  We laid naked together on the couch for quite awhile and eventually I let his cock get close to my pussy.  There was much teasing and begging of course.  I did relent (which was my plant all along, btw) and let him fuck me.  He got a few (literally, maybe three or four) thrusts in before he had to back off.  At that point, I started moving my hips like I do sometimes, and it made him cum in no time.  He begged me to stop (funny how minutes before he was begging to fuck me, now he wanted me to stop him from cumming, lol) but I didn’t. 

 

Afterward he admitted that he didn’t think I was going to let him fuck him.  That was so kick-ass to me!  I totally got to him.  There have been times before when I’ve *said* I wasn’t going to fuck him but then give in and want it.  He totally bought my act though.  And he said the taunting about his cock was so bad, he was actually beginning to doubt himself – which is kind of a big deal considering he’s got an ego the size of Texas.  It was a good scene, I have to admit!

Weekend Randomness August 24, 2009

I spent most of the day & night Saturday at Hunter’s.  We did a whole lotta nothing – watched a movie, took a nap, had dinner, played on our respective computers then hit the hay.  We had sex only a couple of times and the kinky aspect was minimal. 

 

While I know he enjoyed our time together, it didn’t live up to his expectations.  He was expecting sparks to fly and everything in his life that was bothering him to disappear (my words, not his).  Unrealistic, yet I know I’ve had similar expectations for various things in the past.  Even though it lived up to what I had expected (I wanted it to be comfortable and laid back, like a couple who’d been together for years – though I would have preferred more sex) I can see where he’s coming from.  I don’t think I made him laugh too much, and I feel that laughter is important so that kind of made me sad.  He said all he wanted to do was lay in bed all day, but I feel like I could have somehow made that more fun or motivated him more to get up and do something.  But, at the same time, I was completely 100% myself.  Not that I was ever trying to be someone I’m not with him (or anyone else for that matter), but I feel like I have to reach a certain comfort level to really let my guard down and just be me.  Reaching that point with a guy is *extremely* rare for me (btw, it sucks major monkey ass that I reached that point for nothing because we most likely don’t have a future!).  It hurts a little knowing that the real me doesn’t cheer him up (actually, he just assured me that he was much better because I was around so perhaps I’m reading into a comment he made). 

 

I’ve said for a while now that I don’t think I’m capable of having vanilla sex.  The idea of a “kinky” person having a vanilla partner or vanilla sex is foreign to me. I didn’t think I could get turned on by regular means.  But, what we had Sunday morning was darn close to it.  I tweaked his nipples a few times and that was about as kinky as it got.  It’s actually quite comforting to me.  The idea of being incapable of having enjoyable vanilla sex was quite unsettling. 

 

~*~*~

Lately I’ve been reading a parenting book (no, not because I’m going to be a parent! I can use a lot of the ideas/techniques in my classroom too).  The author writes a fair amount about TV.  He makes a lot of really good points about the effects TV (and he argues that it’s not the content, it’s the act of actually watching it that’s detrimental) has on children.  I have absolved to get rid of my TV when/if I ever have kids.  Considering how much TV I watch currently (it’s usually on from the time I get home until I go to bed – while I do homework, mess around online or do lesson planning) I decided maybe I should start weaning myself off of it.  Yesterday I didn’t turn it on at all!  I cranked up the radio and got to work on work stuff.  I accomplished a lot and found that I didn’t really miss it.  We’ll see how long it lasts though.

Friends? Not so much August 18, 2009

I had every intention of writing about my fun with Hunter on Saturday night.  But, I’ve totally lost the urge. 

 

Hunter was depressed yesterday and I got a 3:30 a.m. drunk booty call from him last night.  It bothers me when he’s down because he’s rarely down.  Or rather, he rarely talks about it.  I know that if he’s actually talking about it, it must be bad.  His “status” on messenger today also had a depressed tone so I immed him saying, “want some company?”  His reply: “not really.  to be honest i don’t really like hanging out with you.  besides sex we have nothing in common.”  Ouch.  I simply said “okay.”  He felt the need to add, “but i’ll let you know next time i want some.”  Double ouch.

 

At first I told myself it didn’t bother me.  Slowly the sadness set in and eventually a few tears fell.  I was quite surprised by that, as I haven’t cried over him in quite a while – I’d gotten rather used to disappointment where he was concerned (though it very well could be PMS).  It bothers me that it bothers me.  I’ve said those exact same things on this very blog – we don’t have a lot in common beyond sex, it’s true. He’s a social butterfly, I’m a homebody.  He drinks, I don’t.  He plays video games, I read.   But despite that, I do enjoy spending time with him.  Saturday night after the first round of sex, we laid naked together and watched football.  I loved it.  I could lay with him and do nothing all day long and enjoy every minute of it.  Even though it’s “just sex” obviously I still care(d) for him.  I guess I kind of imagined us as a “friends with benefits” arrangement but obviously I was wrong.  Maybe that’s why I’m sad; I’m mourning the end of a friendship that didn’t really exist.  And, I feel like an idiot.  While I was enjoying spending time with him Saturday night, he was probably laying there thinking, “Just fucking leave already!”  Ouch.

The Night That Almost Wasn’t July 10, 2009

Hunter came over the other night.  It was the first time I’d seen him in quite a while.  I was on vacation, then he was on vacation, and our schedules just didn’t mesh.  Story of us.

 

There was some drama though.  Nothing with him can be easy.  That boy drives me crazy, in so many ways.  We had plans for him to come over sometime after I got off work.  I texted him the night before, confirming he was coming, and reminding him that he needed to cum before he came.  Everything was good to go.  But, when I got off work I couldn’t get a hold of him.  I didn’t hear from him until waaay later in the evening when I received a text saying “I forgot and started drinking with my roommate. sorry”  I was not happy.

 

How can you forget about getting some?  Seriously, I was insulted by it.  I would *never* forget about plans like that.  I was surprisingly emotionally detached from it though.  Yeah, I was pissed but I wasn’t raging mad like I have been in the past.  And I didn’t come anywhere close to tears.  In the past when he’s pulled shit like this, it made me bawl my eyes out.  I’m very pleased that I’ve been able to emotionally detach from him (knock on wood).  A while after his original text, I sent one back saying not to bother contacting me again.  He most certainly didn’t listen.   For the next hour or so we texted back and forth, with me trying to convey how upset I was and him not taking me seriously at all. 

 

Finally, I told him to get his ass over to my place or he’d never see me again.  He used the drinking excuse so I simply told him to sober up and that I’d wait up – it didn’t matter how late he got here.  I could tell by his texts that he wasn’t too far gone, otherwise I wouldn’t have pushed the issue (when he’s really been drinking they aren’t readable).  When he finally showed up I could smell the alcohol on him but he was just fine. 

 

He gave me a hug while I stood there with my hands at my side.  We spent quite a while standing there, him holding and trying to kiss me, and me very blatantly refusing his advances.  I lectured him extensively about his actions and how he made me feel.  He assured me it wouldn’t happen again.  But, I felt some physical punishment was in order to reiterate the point.

 

He laid naked on the couch while I sat on the floor, leaning onto the couch.  I went to town flicking his cock and balls with my index finger.  I’ve done that to him before but never as extensively as I did that night.  It got a dramatic reaction from him.  It was quite pleasant…for me!  I then moved on to spanking him.  I had a huge pizza paddle and wooden spoon sitting out the whole time so he knew it was coming.  I don’t know if that impacted his headspace beforehand or not; I should have asked.  I’ve written before about how much I enjoy the wooden spoon.  Using something so cliche makes me feel like such a novice but damnit, it gets the best reaction!  The pizza paddle didn’t get nearly as much reaction out of him (the smaller implements seem to work better for him/us…is that true for most people?) but it did give his ass a very even red tone.  I found that to be much hotter than the random little red blotches that the wooden spoon leaves.  But, I didn’t use the paddle much.  As I’ve said before, it’s all about the reaction for me.   I really wailed on his ass.  It’s the first time I’ve literally taken my anger out on him.  In the past when I’ve punished him I detached because I’ve always been told you shouldn’t strike out of anger in a scene.  While I agree with that for the most part, I was still totally in control and it’s not like I was all out flogging him or anything.  The moments when I let myself get angry and really wail on him only lasted a few moments, and then I would back off and let him recover.  It was fucking hot though and it felt so damn good to get that negative energy out.

 

Originally I intended to only beat him and send him home – not eating me and definitely no fucking.  But, I just can’t pass up the opportunity to have him when he’s with me.  Each time could be the last time and if it does end up being the last time, I’d totally kick my own ass for not fucking him.  I let him go down on me and he ate me out for quite a while.  It’s the closest I’ve gotten to cumming from a guy going down on me.  It was hot.  And, of course it made me want him in me like no other.  So, that’s exactly what I told him – “I want you inside of me.”  He was happy to oblige.

 

It didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would, which really worked to his advantage.  I only intended for him to fuck me for a few seconds - just enough for me to feel his cock in me, which is the biggest thing that does it for me.  Since it felt good, I let him fuck me for a little longer.  A little longer was still only a minute or two though, hehe.  I gave him 5 more thrusts, then he was to pull out and cum on my pussy.  He whined and said, “But I can’t come like that.”  What bullshit.  He pulled out when I told him to and came within 5-10 seconds.  Him not being allowed to cum in me was a punishment in and of itself.  I really like him cumming on my pussy – then I gets some more attention from his tongue (I almost always make him eat his own cum). 

 

He admitted that he thinks I wouldn’t have gone through with my threat not to see him again.  There’s a good chance he was right – I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it.  In some random moment of weakness, I would have contacted him and he would have weaseled his way into being forgiven yet again.  But each time I grow more and more detached.  I think he knows I’m getting close to walking away for good.  For my own good I hope I’m close to that point.  It’s demeaning and embarrassing to myself to put up with his shit.

Round Two April 30, 2009

Hunter came over again last night.  I was/am extremely pleased about it.  After his visit the other night, I was afraid it would be a one time thing.  It was 6 months since the last time we’d gotten together, and had been 5 months before that.  While I would like it to become a semi-regular thing, I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  He’s done with school for the summer in a couple weeks and that changes things.  Plus, one just never knows with that kid.  Since I’m not sure when/if I’ll see him again, I was sure to savor every moment of it.

 

One of the things that had to be taken care of last night was that Hunter needed to atone for his “sins” from the previous Saturday night.  That night he’d gone to a strip club (with female strippers, mind you) and ended up hooking up with a guy!  How he managed that, I have no idea.   But, it made me insanely jealous.  Part of the reason was because the strip club was in my town so if he was going to be fucking anyone, it sure as hell should have been me!  The other part of me was worried it was going to make him realize he was gay and then he’d obviously be done with me completely.  I’ve always known he considered himself bi but he’d never acted on those feelings outside of a D/s setting (as in being forced by his former domme to suck her boyfriends dick or something along those lines).  No worries there though, it’s pretty obvious women (well, at least me) still do it for him. 

 

Our activities started with a good spanking with his belt.  I really liked the belt – I’d only used one once before.  I hadn’t been impressed the first time because my brush and a wooden spoon had gotten more reaction.  But, this was somewhat of a punishment spanking (less punishment, more me just wanting to take out a little anger on him about Saturday) so it actually worked better.  The belt allowed me to *really* wail on his ass, without pushing him too far too fast.  Plus, it made his ass much more red than the spoon which was a nice sight. 

 

Since he enjoyed sucking cock so much Saturday night, I gave him my dildo and made him demonstrate his skills.  I’d say it was one of the most difficult things I’ve made him do (as far as humiliation is concerned).  He did not want to do it all.  The first time he spoke after I told him what I wanted, his voice cracked.  It was hilarious.  Of course, I also had to taunt him with comments like “I’m sure you didn’t have such a scowl on your face Saturday night.  Suck it like you mean it.”  I wanted to take a picture so badly – that would have *really* humiliated him, but I couldn’t find my camera.  Damnit!

 

Eventually, I combined the spanking and dildo-sucking.  I started in on his ass with the belt again, while he sucked the dildo as instructed.  I also got in quite a few nice shots to his balls too.  Throughout that part, I reiterated to him that I was the only one who could use that ass and that the only “cock” he should be sucking is mine. 

 

After the last time we’d been together, I confessed that I had wanted to suck his cock.  I know, some think that isn’t a “dommely” act but occasionally I enjoy it.  Originally, I had told him I wouldn’t go down on him because of his actions Saturday night but as time had passed, my jealousy over it had eased and I figured he’d paid by sucking my dildo and taking the spanking.  But, I teased him relentlessly before I finally took it in my mouth.  I put my mouth right up to it, would blow on it a little, but wouldn’t take it.  The cock would totally react, involuntarily moving toward my mouth.  I did this over, and over, and over.  It just didn’t get old!  Eventually, I did take his balls in my mouth.  He really enjoyed that….until I bit them!  It took him totally off guard.  Hilarious.  Of course, I did give in when I was ready and sucked his cock for a bit.  I think it’s safe to say we both enjoyed it.

 

At this point I was still fully clothed, while Hunter had been completely naked for a while.  I really like that – the sub naked and domme clothed.  I think it highlights the difference in status.  Anyway, I let his hand wander a little and soon his fingers were inside of me.  That was probably only the second or third time we’ve done that.  Part of the reason is it’s something I feel awkward about asking for and he never takes initiative with things (understandably so considering he’s the sub, though he was a little more forward last night…which I enjoyed).  It was awesome though!  Getting fingered is something I’ve always enjoyed – as long as the guy knows what he’s doing (it seems like such an easy thing but you’d be surprised how many guys absolutely suck at it!)  It really helped with the pain factor when we did finally have sex.  I had been extremely nervous about sleeping with him again because of the pain – nervous to the point I almost cancelled our plans.  I had even considered going to my doctor about it, worried that something was wrong because the pain last time was not at all like I’d ever had before.  But, this time there was absolutely no pain!  Woohoo!

 

When we moved to doggie, he could hardly fuck me – he was so close.  I started moving my hips a little, not much at all, but it affected him immensely.  He said he’d cum if I kept doing that.  So, naturally, I kept doing it but refusing to grant him permission.  Soon he did cum and felt awful because I hadn’t granted permission.  I assured him it was fine, I’d wanted to push him to that point.  Some people might disagree with a mindfuck like that but he didn’t seem to mind after the fact. 

 

We actually went a second round, sorta.  He has a long rebound time so we’re pretty much always done after one time.  But, I put in a little effort and got it up again.  He didn’t cum again but the sex was good nonetheless.  I’d gone down on him again and he pulled me up onto his lap.  I’ve only ridden a guy sitting up once and it was as good then as it was last night!  That is definitely one of my new favorites.  One of the reasons I enjoyed it was because we were able to make a lot of eye contact.  Well, when his eyes weren’t rolled back in his head from pleasure.  His eyes would be mostly closed and all I could see were the whites of his eyes because they rolled back.  It was so hot. 

 

Despite how fucking great the evening was, it ended with a really awkward moment.  My sister was home and sitting in the living room (where the front door was).  So, we had to walk by her when he left.  She knows our relationship is purely sex at this point and doesn’t exactly approve.  I walked him to the door and said “see ya later.”  He said the same and walked out.  My sister didn’t acknowledge him and he didn’t acknowledge her.   Such an informal goodbye felt really weird considering what we’d just done together!

Instincts April 14, 2009

I haven’t always made the best choices when it comes to men.  I often stay waaaay longer than I should.  Somtimes it’s that I settle for someone I don’t really care all that much for.  But usually, it’s that I want them so badly (not to be confused with deeply) that I’ll overlook anything in an attempt to convince myself that everything is okay.   Granted, this is usually more applicable to online “relationships” where it’s hard to check out someone’s story – but I’ve experienced it more than once in face-to-face relationships also. 

There was a guy I met online (Jay…I’ve written about him before) but met up with more than once.  I was convinced he had a girlfriend or wife.  But he denied it…until I was ready to walk away.  He fessed up to it, claiming she knew everything; he was just “testing” me to see how far I would go for him.  I chose to ignore all the signs to the contrary and continued to correspond with him.

Then there was Carter.  I haven’t written much about recent events with him but it’s safe to say there were *many* signs that things weren’t quite right.  I’d voice my doubts but would eventually break down and take him at his word.  That totally bit me in the ass.

It’s hard to know where to even start with Hunter.  He broke his word to me countless times (about calling and what some might consider minor things) yet I denied the obvious underlying fact that he didn’t really care about me, wasn’t really committed to us. 

Most recently is the boy from NYC.  I referenced him at the end of a previous post I think.  I normally don’t talk to guys who aren’t within driving distance but his initial e-mail was very intriguing and I found he seemed rather “normal.”  I really don’t think I’ve met a guy I’ve had as much in common with (yeah, I’ve felt sparks with other guys but sparks don’t always equal having much in common).  We shared similar opinions in regards to social issues, politics, religion AND sexuality.  I just thought he was perfect for me.  Then we both got on cam last night.  I swear I saw a band on his left ring finger.  I swear it.  After I asked to see his left hand (I’d seen enough glipses to be convinced enough of what I saw to actually say something) his hands moved out of the view of the screen and he didn’t say anything.  A few seconds later his hand reappeared and he started denying there was a ring there.  I easily could have chose to believe him.  But, I didn’t.  I’m confident in what I saw and I’m *finally* following my instincts.

Been here, done this October 21, 2008

My theory is that 99% of the time, being friends with your ex immediately after the break-up is not a good idea.  It usually doesn’t end well.  I know that.  I’ve been there, many times.  But each and every time I rationalize it somehow – justify staying friends with them.  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

 

I’ve talked several times about how the arrangement between Hunter and I works well for me.  It’s all okay, blah, blah, blah.  But again, pursuing something with an ex bit me in the ass.  I finally realized he’s just been using me.  He doesn’t give a fuck about me.  While the couple times we hooked up didn’t give me any illusions that he wanted to reconcile, it did still make me feel like he cared about me in *some* way.  That meant a lot to me. 

 

But, I was just another piece of ass.  Granted, it was a kinky piece of ass, but still just a piece of ass.  He has a date on Thursday.  He’s totally allowed to date others, I have, we aren’t together.  But, one of his lines when we broke-up (and later toyed with the idea of getting back together) was that he couldn’t give me what I deserved time-wise.  Why is he pursuing a relationship now if that’s the case?  It obviously wasn’t the time issue with me – he just didn’t care about me anymore, which means he hasn’t at all this fall and thus, I’ve been allowing myself to be used.  He said he doesn’t plan on having sex with her because he knows my rule – if he has sex with other people there’s no more sex for us.  That made me feel better, temporarily.  But then I had to ask myself why I believe him.  What guy would give up a piece of ass right in front of him for a girl a half hour away that he sees once a month and obviously doesn’t love?  Another thing, the last time we had sex it was because he was in town to get some alcohol.  Today he was going to stop by and “tap that” because he’d be in town to get a video. 

 

I think part of the reason I’m so shook up about this is that I felt like I’d made real progress as far as allowing myself to be used is concerned.  I tried to tell myself that sex with Hunter wasn’t “casual” because there were *some* feelings there somewhere.  I tried to tell myself it wasn’t just about the sex – again, there were feelings there somewhere.  But really, it was just about the sex.

 

And part of me is scared – scared that I will let him in again sometime.  Scared that I will want him again.  Right now I feel like I could walk away and not look back.  But, as always, I know that will fade.  A few days from now, or a month from now (or even later today!) I’ll want him again (physically).  I won’t care that it’s just sex – he’ll say something sweet and sexy and I’ll again try to talk myself into believe I actually meant something to him.  And at some point, I’ll probably end up at this exact same point again. 

 

Self-discipline would really be a nice trait to possess.

A Visit from Hunter August 31, 2008

Yesterday I did something that probably isn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done (okay, definitely not the smartest thing).  In the middle of the afternoon on a whim I texted Hunter a note that simply said, “wanna fuck?”  Classy, eh?  Much to my surprise he said maybe, depending on how tired he was after work.  I honestly hadn’t even expected him to reply.  I’d texted him on his birthday and maybe once or twice since then and hadn’t heard anything.  I didn’t let myself get too excited about it because he obviously has a history of not following through with things like that.  But, he did end up coming over. 

 

We sat down on the couch and there were a couple moments of awkwardness (at least I thought so, I don’t know if he felt it or not) – this was the first time we’d seen each other since we broke up and we both knew sex was inevitable.  But soon he just wrapped his arms around my leg and curled up on my lap, much like he did in the past.  When he did that the butterflies in my tummy went absolutely crazy!  I can’t describe how great it felt to have him in my arms again.  At the same time I was having all those warm fuzzy feelings, I was also thinking about how bad the whole situation could be – because of the warm fuzzies. 

 

We eventually fell into a routine of sorts and the warm fuzzies were replaced with pure horniness.  Gosh I love the noises he makes when I hurt him.  I just couldn’t get enough!   I know it sounds stupid, but I hadn’t expected a whole lot to change as far as the sexual aspect of our relationship was concerned.  But, I felt like there was a fair amount of intensity missing.  It was just sex – for both of us.  Yeah, we wanted each other and had missed each other’s bodies but the emotion was gone, which had a bigger effect on things than I was expecting.  Plus, I think the fact that the D/s *relationship* component was missing had  a large impact.  We were having D/sish sex, but he wasn’t *mine* – there was no genuine power exchange present (not that there really was the first time around ’cause he didn’t do half the shit I asked of him).  I felt like I had less control which impacted how into it I was far more than I was expecting it to. 

 

I’m not convinced it would be like this again if we get together though.  My mind wasn’t in a domme mindset for the most part.  In the past when I was with him my mind was reeling with cruel ideas of things to do to him.  Last night I couldn’t really think of anything beyond clothespins.  I think that could change though, if we saw each other every once in a while.  Last night was our first night with our new dynamic – fuck buddies not bf/gf.  We’ll have to re-establish our comfort levels with one another and as we adapt to the changes between us, the better it will get I’m sure.  That’s assuming we continue to get together, which who knows about that.

 

I was a little worried about seeing him again – worried that all of my not-that-old feelings for him would all come flooding back.  But beyond the initial butterflies, they have stayed away.  We cuddled for quite a while after sex and by the time he said it was time to leave, I was ready for him to leave (in the past if it had been up to me he never would have left!).  Today I don’t feel anything different for him than I did before.  Both he and I were concerned that my feelings would get in the way of having a fuck buddy type relationship.  At this point, it looks like we don’t have anything to worry about. 

 

It’s all good