Hope & Despair September 21, 2009

This is going to become an extremely boring blog (not to imply it’s all that exciting at this point!)  Hunter and I are done for the time being.  I fucked up big time and doubt he’ll ever forgive me (though I can’t bring myself to completely give up hope which some say is a good thing but it sure makes coping and moving on more difficult!).  I may write about it eventually, but am definitely not ready to yet.  I have also put things with Grant on hold for the time being.  It sounds so unbelievably cheesy but I want to “find myself”.   Even though I know I would hook up with Hunter again in a heartbeat, because of the inconsistent status of our relationship, I became someone I don’t want to be. 

 

It’s not only with guys that I’m disappointed in myself. I used to do service and was all about creating social change.  Yeah, I haven’t done any kind of service in over a year.  I feel like my decrease of TV and increase of NPR are improvements in this area (it makes me more of a global citizen than one of our ignorant, shallow society only) but beyond that, nothing.  I’m just not as happy as I used to be.  I totally notice it in my teaching.  I’m just not as enthusiastic as I was last year. 

 

In addition to taking a step away from relationships (well, except for the possibility of hooking up with a dom friend but he’s leaving in a month so it wouldn’t amount to more than a scene or two), I think I’m going to start going to church again.  I can’t say that my core beliefs have changed but there is something unbelievably comforting about church for me.  I don’t know if it’s the sense of community one oddly feels sitting among strangers or feeling closer to God (not to imply one actually *is* closer) or if it’s the passages and sermon. 

 

And, I sent an e-mail to a contact in Haiti about the possibility of working there.  I’ve mentioned a few times that I’ve felt pulled in that direction the past few months but just couldn’t take the steps to make it happen.  Whether or not anything will actually come of my inquiry, I do feel that it is a step in the right direction.  Hell, it’s a step!  That’s more than I’ve taken the past couple of years to improve my happiness.

 

Despite the fact that I have a lot of hope for my life (with the Haiti inquiry and rediscovering my faith and all) I am still very sad.  I cry daily.  Never sobs, just a few tears here and there.   If it was PMS, it would have passed by now.  Damnit.

Blah June 1, 2009

Not a bad blah.  Just blah.  There’s nothing going on.  My life lifestyle wise has been nonexistent lately and it must not bother me because I haven’t really done much to change it. 

 

I’ve been struggling with my weight lately.  I’ve slowly gained weight this past year.  I joined Weight Watchers a couple weeks ago and did a good job the first week but haven’t done so great since then.  I eat out a lot; that’s my biggest problem.  My weight doesn’t bother me as much in regards to attracting guys as it does in regards to how it impacts my work.  I don’t play with the kids as actively as I used to.  That really bothers me. 

 

And, faith has been on my mind a lot lately.  I went to a Catholic wedding this past weekend and it made me really miss weekly mass (which is what always happens whenever I go to a Catholic service of any kind).  I want to believe so badly.  I do believe that Christianity has a lot to offer but I don’t believe in the whole Jesus being our savior and dying for our sins thing.  That’s kind of a big part of the whole package. 

 

Lately I’ve been reflecting about the path my life is taking.  I’m by no means unhappy but I used to want to do service, to serve the poor in some way.  I teach in a preschool that has only a handful of ethnic minorities and less than 10 families who receive assistance to pay for child care.  Aside from the private religious-based day care centers, mine has the most affluent clientele in town.  I want to go to Haiti.  My heart is in Haiti.  My reasoning for not volunteering there right out of college was my depression – it’s not exactly easy to get anti-depressants on a regular basis in a 3rd world country.  I don’t know if that was legitimate or just an excuse.  I just don’t know what I want to/should do.

Funeral for hope May 30, 2008

I said in a past post that “hope dies last.”  Well, in relation to Hunter, it’s officially dead. 

 

Things have been so back-and-forth between us for so long.  I’m sure people who actually read this semi-regularly are thinking “It’s about damn time!”  In one post I was flying high and in the next I was talking about how much trouble Hunter and I were having. 

 

I feel like a total bitch for the timing though.  Hunter’s dad is back in the hospital.  Hunter bailed on plans we had made for last night but he hadn’t told me why yet.  Finally when I reached him today I told him I think we should break up.  He said fine, he couldn’t worry about it now because his dad was back in the hospital.  Then he told me to have a good summer and he hung up.  Part of me feels really bad about the timing – the last thing he needs right now is to deal with shit like this.  But another part of me thinks it doesn’t even phase him.  His inconsistent presence in my life the last month lead me to believe I didn’t mean a whole lot to him so this probably didn’t bother him all that much. 

 

I hope I can stick to this.  In the past I haven’t been able to really follow through with a break-up too well.  I usually go crawling back, expressing deep remorse within a week or two, if not sooner.  I think the fact that there has been such a distance between Hunter and I will help me get through this.  What’s been hard in the past is the change in routine – that person not watching Monday Night Football with me, or calling every day when he got off work.  There’s none of that with Hunter though – we had no routine, no consistency. 

 

I started therapy last week- not because of Hunter but just my depression in general.  But, Hunter was took up the whole session today (before I broke up with him).  My therapist asked me why I had issues with breaking up with people.  What’s the worst that could happen?  I wasn’t sure about how I would answer that about previous relationships but about Hunter, I was/am afraid that I won’t find another D/s relationship.  But that wouldn’t be the end of the world, ya know?  I’m sure if I deeply feel the need to dominate in the future, I could “play” with someone.  I don’t foresee a vanilla relationship satisfying me ever again (not that any of my previous ones really did).  Being single doesn’t bother me.  I’m going to adopt kids whether I get married or not so the dream of having a family will happen either way.  I just want to ask God (or whatever higher power there is) if I’m meant to be single or in a committed long-term relationship.  If I’m meant to be married or whatever  – great, I’ll keep looking for him.  But it’d be nice to know if I’m “meant” to be single so I can quit looking now and save myself the drama and heartbreak involved in break-ups. 

Life isn’t always clothespins & fucking May 8, 2008

Warning: This will be a totally random, rambling post.  There have been so many things bouncing around my head lately and I just wanna get ‘em outta there.

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I’ve hardly talked to Hunter since he left my place Tuesday night.  So far it isn’t really bothering me.  Granted, I miss him immensely, but I’m not freaking out.  I’m hoping that keeps up. 

I made a new rule for him when he was here the other night.  Every night before bed he is to put clothespins on his nipples for 5 minutes.  It’s nothing too big, I know, but I thought it was a little something that wouldn’t take a lot of time but would also keep his submission on his mind.  He is to text me after he’s finished his 5 minutes.  Last night I got his text in the 5 o’clock a.m. hour.  The poor boy had been up working all freaking night.  Tonight will probably be much the same for him too.

Despite the fact that I know he’s super busy, I did ask him to call me tonight.  I want to hear his voice, to see how he’s doing.  I told him that if he calls he won’t have to worry about his clothespins task.  No, I don’t need to bribe my boy to get him to call me, lol!  I just know he’s really busy and I don’t want to stress him out even more by monopolizing his time. 

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I’ve been reading the book “Depression Fallout” by Anne Sheffield.  I got the book from a friend a year ago, read a couple chapters at the time and just picked it up again this past week.  It’s really good for me to be reading right now.  The book is written more for the significant other of someone who has depression, but it’s also helpful for someone who has depression.  It’s comforting to read because it puts into words the things I’ve felt on-and-off for so many years, but was never able to adequately express.  There have been so many parts where I’ve though “That’s totally me! Hunter should know about that.”  But, since it’s not my copy, I can’t highlight it or anything like that.  I should really just suck it up and buy myself a copy.  I mentioned to Hunter that there was a book I wanted him to read about depression.  He did not seem crazy about that idea at all.  He’s not one of those people who reads for “fun”.  But, I really don’t think he knows what he’s getting into with the depression thing.  I think it’s a lot better for us to discuss all the different facets of it before it gets bad.  God knows I won’t be able to rationally discuss it while it’s happening.  I don’t think the effects of the depression with be as apparent to him until we’re living together, which is a ways off. 

Speaking of living together, it’s been on my mind a lot lately.  We’ve only been dating a little over two months (which, sadly is my longest relationship ever!  I’ve had certain guys in my life for years a time but never as a consistently steady boyfriend), but I’ve found myself thinking “Oh, that would be awesome to do if we lived together!”  I think part of the reason those thoughts have been more prevalent lately is because I haven’t gotten to see him as much.  I have these ideas rolling around in my head but no outlet for them.  When he was here Tuesday night I said multiple times “If we ever live together I want to do this…or this…”  [I said "if" in an attempt not to scare him by saying "when" even though he's the one who brought up building a house together.  Plus, it's a tiny way to keep my hopes from getting too high.]  I guess the point of all that rambling is that I was surprised by those thoughts.  I want to live with him – it’s kind of a revelation for me.  I know that’s a ways off – a minimum of a year, though 2 is more realistic.  But, the thought of it possibly becoming a reality someday is enough for me now.

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When he was here Tuesday night, Hunter told me about an interview he has back home for a second job.  He is really making an effort to find a different second job (if you’ll recall he wanted to work with his ex-domme, Sarah).  How wonderful is he?  Looking for something else really was a big sacrifice for him to make for me.  When I first told him I didn’t want him working with Sarah it was obvious he didn’t like my decision, but he told me he would find something else.  How could I have ever doubted his love for me and commitment to us?

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I apologize, this is a far more boring post than I thought it was going to be.  But, like the title says, life isn’t always clothespins and fucking (though how great would that be if it was?!)