Dreams May 26, 2008

I dream about Hunter…a lot. 

 

It’s rarely anything too in-depth, at least what I remember.  Last week I had two dreams in one night.  One came in the middle of the night – I dreamt that I’d finally texted me.  In my half-awake, yet very hopeful state, I rolled over and eagerly checked my phone.  Nope. Nothing.  Later that night, actually towards morning, I dreamt that he’d called me.  Again, in my half-awake, yet very hopeful state, I rolled over and eagerly checked my phone.  Nope. Nothing.  I had a dream early this morning that he’d called me.  This time I was smart enough to just put the pillow back over my head and go back to sleep.

Trust February 11, 2008

I have trust issues.  A lot of people have trust issues after they’ve been cheated on. 

 To my knowledge, I have never been cheated on.  I have been dumped for other people though and while that hurts, it’s not as “bad” as being cheated on. I have cheated though (back in high school – if that counts, lol) And, I have been the other woman – more times than I’d like to admit (three times that I can recall off the top of my head).  I’m pretty sure my trust issues stem from that – talk about karma, eh?    Plus, I’ve talked to a lot of people online – it’s appalling how many married men (I’m sure women are looking too, I’ve just been exposed to more men) are out there trolling around. 

The last two nights I’ve dreampt about cheating senarios.  The first was about a couple married a long time and the husband and mistress came to visit to see the kids (the senario comes a little from the book I was reading).  In the second dream, I was with a guy I was involved with for over a year once – almost the whole time I’d been the “other woman. In the dream his wife caught us cheating and he didn’t even really care.  Over the years I’ve had many, many dreams about my parents splitting up despite the fact they’re among the happiest married people I’ve ever known.  I haven’t always had those kinds of dreams about my parents – they started later in high school. 

I think one of the reasons I haven’t gotten too involved with anyone is because of fear.  If I let someone in, it could get serious.  If it gets serious, it could lead to marriage.  If it leads to marriage, it could lead to divorce.  I couldn’t handle a divorce.  It feels like people fall out of love SO much in todays society.  Marriage doesn’t seem to mean all that much these days.  There are on guarantees. 

I’m wondering if the trust issues are somewhat of a factor in my being interested in a D/s relationship.  I feel like if someone loves me enough to submit to me, they love me enough not to leave me, right?  Don’t worry, I do realize the flaws in that thought process.  But, if it empowers me enough to allow myself to love and be loved, is it all that bad?