I think I’ve hit some sort of slump/depression. This whole last week I’ve been completely unproductive when I get home from work. I’m getting at least 9 hrs. of sleep a night. At my last therapy session I had set a goal to walk 4 times a week. I haven’t gone on a walk since then. I was at such a high then, only a couple of weeks ago. It’s been a rough week in regards to Hunter and shit hit the fan last night so I know that isn’t going to help things. I had plans with Grant for tomorrow night but I bailed because I just don’t want to be around anyone (well, except Hunter which isn’t gonna be happening anytime soon). I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. I’m hoping it’s just PMS but who the heck knows.
Highs & Lows October 3, 2008
One of my past therapists/psychiatrists said I have depression with bipolar tendencies. That hit me hard. My niece has bipolar and I was in complete denial about being *that* messed up. But, the more I think about, the more truth I see in it.
It’s definitely nothing drastic. I don’t actually have bipolar. I did go through a rather manic episode my junior year of college. I was very promiscuous and not always safe about it (thank goodness I came away from that period totally clean!) I *thought* I was happy during that time but when it was over, I felt absolutely awful about myself. My self-esteem was nonexistent. The long string of casual fucks during that time is one of the reasons casual sex is so harmful for me emotionally.
Anyway, like I said, I only have bipolar tendencies. When I do have highs they aren’t really manic, when I do have lows, usually they aren’t too bad (the bad ones are usually a result of med changes or forgetting to take my meds). I’m bringing this up because I feel like I’m coming down from a slight high. I was in a ridiculously giddy, excited mood most of the past week. I kept thinking it was for the VP debate and that might have been part of it. But seriously, no sane person would get as excited as I was about a debate. I was just all around happy.
Right now, I’m feeling pretty low though. I have friends coming in for homecoming this weekend and I’m pretty “eh, whatever” about it. Earlier in the week I’d been psyched for it. And a part of me misses Hunter. That hasn’t really happened for a while. Hockey season is starting up again. A friend asked me if I wanted to go to a game this weekend. I don’t want to. Hunter and I went to games together. I *loved* going with him. He was able to explain so much to me, and we laughed so much together, and that was back when he adored me. I’m surprised I’m effected by this. Like I said, this hasn’t happened lately. Plus, when there’s a break-up I am very determined to “take back” things that were ours. For instance, I make it a point to go to the restaurants we ate at – I feel like it helps the healing process along. Perhaps since I wasn’t able to go to a game right away after we broke up is part of the reason I’m affected by it this way. Maybe part of it is that he wasn’t in the mood for sex last night. Seriously, not in the mood? When is he (or any guy?) “not in the mood”?
Part of my down mood may be that a year ago was when my other ex and I broke up. Now, he and the girl he broke-up with me for have a house and by all appearances are living a great, happy life. It just kind of stings a little.
Or, part of it might be that my sister is gone until Sunday. I’m not used to being alone. I don’t mind being alone – I actually need a fair amount of “me” time, but there’s less conversation and banter and such.
Whatever the reason is, I’m ready for a high again.
Life isn’t always clothespins & fucking May 8, 2008
Warning: This will be a totally random, rambling post. There have been so many things bouncing around my head lately and I just wanna get ‘em outta there.
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I’ve hardly talked to Hunter since he left my place Tuesday night. So far it isn’t really bothering me. Granted, I miss him immensely, but I’m not freaking out. I’m hoping that keeps up.
I made a new rule for him when he was here the other night. Every night before bed he is to put clothespins on his nipples for 5 minutes. It’s nothing too big, I know, but I thought it was a little something that wouldn’t take a lot of time but would also keep his submission on his mind. He is to text me after he’s finished his 5 minutes. Last night I got his text in the 5 o’clock a.m. hour. The poor boy had been up working all freaking night. Tonight will probably be much the same for him too.
Despite the fact that I know he’s super busy, I did ask him to call me tonight. I want to hear his voice, to see how he’s doing. I told him that if he calls he won’t have to worry about his clothespins task. No, I don’t need to bribe my boy to get him to call me, lol! I just know he’s really busy and I don’t want to stress him out even more by monopolizing his time.
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I’ve been reading the book “Depression Fallout” by Anne Sheffield. I got the book from a friend a year ago, read a couple chapters at the time and just picked it up again this past week. It’s really good for me to be reading right now. The book is written more for the significant other of someone who has depression, but it’s also helpful for someone who has depression. It’s comforting to read because it puts into words the things I’ve felt on-and-off for so many years, but was never able to adequately express. There have been so many parts where I’ve though “That’s totally me! Hunter should know about that.” But, since it’s not my copy, I can’t highlight it or anything like that. I should really just suck it up and buy myself a copy. I mentioned to Hunter that there was a book I wanted him to read about depression. He did not seem crazy about that idea at all. He’s not one of those people who reads for “fun”. But, I really don’t think he knows what he’s getting into with the depression thing. I think it’s a lot better for us to discuss all the different facets of it before it gets bad. God knows I won’t be able to rationally discuss it while it’s happening. I don’t think the effects of the depression with be as apparent to him until we’re living together, which is a ways off.
Speaking of living together, it’s been on my mind a lot lately. We’ve only been dating a little over two months (which, sadly is my longest relationship ever! I’ve had certain guys in my life for years a time but never as a consistently steady boyfriend), but I’ve found myself thinking “Oh, that would be awesome to do if we lived together!” I think part of the reason those thoughts have been more prevalent lately is because I haven’t gotten to see him as much. I have these ideas rolling around in my head but no outlet for them. When he was here Tuesday night I said multiple times “If we ever live together I want to do this…or this…” [I said "if" in an attempt not to scare him by saying "when" even though he's the one who brought up building a house together. Plus, it's a tiny way to keep my hopes from getting too high.] I guess the point of all that rambling is that I was surprised by those thoughts. I want to live with him – it’s kind of a revelation for me. I know that’s a ways off – a minimum of a year, though 2 is more realistic. But, the thought of it possibly becoming a reality someday is enough for me now.
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When he was here Tuesday night, Hunter told me about an interview he has back home for a second job. He is really making an effort to find a different second job (if you’ll recall he wanted to work with his ex-domme, Sarah). How wonderful is he? Looking for something else really was a big sacrifice for him to make for me. When I first told him I didn’t want him working with Sarah it was obvious he didn’t like my decision, but he told me he would find something else. How could I have ever doubted his love for me and commitment to us?
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I apologize, this is a far more boring post than I thought it was going to be. But, like the title says, life isn’t always clothespins and fucking (though how great would that be if it was?!)
You look like a cyclopse May 6, 2008
My boyfriend is so sweet, ain’t he? 
I got to see him tonight…FINALLY! He really is extremely busy with school. I don’t know why I couldn’t just take him at his word when he told me that before. Instead I created every possible negative scenario in my head. I was convinced he just didn’t love me anymore. You’d think I would be over this by now! I really need to pull my head out of my ass.
I think part of it is due to my depression. I have noticed more symptoms lately – being extra tired, having less energy, being over emotional (I thought last week it was PMS but it seems to have stuck around). When I’m depressed I get upset about the stupidest things. While it’s happening, I usually realize it’s irrational for me to be upset, but I *can’t* stop those feelings. It’s SO frustrating! I have an appointment with my doctor in a month. I called today to see if I could schedule something sooner. Nope – the best they could do was move my appointment up a few hours that same day. Mental health services (and insurance coverage for that matter) in this country SUCKS.
I told Hunter tonight that I totally understand how busy he is. I seriously wouldn’t want to be him the next couple of weeks. But, I also explained that I don’t expect to be put on the back-burner either. He is my boy, and that doesn’t stop just because he’s busy. I will, of course, make a fair amount of allowances because his education does come first, but I’m also not going to let him off the hook for everything – especially when he doesn’t explain the situation or ask for allowances ahead of time.
I *needed* the time with Hunter tonight. When he’s with me I can tell how much he cares about me – for some reason that doesn’t always come across over the phone adequately (I know that’s the way it is with most people, but there seems to be a bigger difference with him and I). We talked about our future a decent amount tonight – about possibly moving to Arizona together after he graduates. Knowing that he does think about that aspect of our future – the practical/vanilla side, really puts my mind at ease. But, I’m sure after I don’t see or talk to him for a few days, I’ll forget or discount that and begin to worry yet again. It’s a vicious cycle!! Hunter really is great for putting up with so much from me. Lesser men (or perhaps more sane men, lol) would have given up on me long ago.
I found out something very interesting about Hunter tonight. When he applied for college, he was accepted to Harvard!! He totally kicked my ass on the ACT’s too. All this time I’d thought he was a computer nerd (in my book nerd doesn’t always equal smart)/jock. My boyfriend is smart!! LOL.
Seeing the boy I missed so much March 27, 2008
I’m choosing to believe it was PMS. All women experience different things with PMS and with me it’s that I get extra emotional – both with crying and irritability. Last night I was emotional in an apathetic way…if that makes any sense, with a tad bit of pissy thrown in for extra measure. After not seeing my boy for 10 days you’d think I would have wanted to jump his bones the second I saw him…and in the days leading up to last night, that is exactly what I wanted to do. But, I just wasn’t feeling it last night. It took at least a half hour before I even let him really kiss me. When we did start to mess around it was as if I had to *make* myself do it. Once we started I, of course, totally got into it though!
After we fucked the first time, as we lay naked together on the couch, I had to fight back tears. There was absolutely no reason for me to be crying. But, there I was, sad and on the verge of tears. To be completely honest, I’m not totally sure it was PMS, or if it was the depression, or a combination of both. Either way, it sucked. I thought hard about what to do – do I turn my head, curl up against Hunter’s chest, and just let myself cry – or, do I fight back the tears and pretend like nothing is wrong. I decided on the latter. I can’t really pinpoint why that was my decision. I felt “safe” to cry with Hunter. We’ve talked about my depression and I know he understands. I *wanted* to turn to him and let myself cry. But, I stopped myself anyway. I think it has little to do with Hunter and the two of us, than it has to do with me. If I cried, I had to admit that, once again, that something wasn’t quite right with me. I’ve been so good, so happy for so many months now. I don’t want to fall back into that hole of apathy and unyielding sadness. So, despite the fact I could cry at this very moment if I let myself, I’m going to choose to believe it’s just PMS and not the depression.
I worked with Hunter’s ass a little for the first time last night. I’ve never done any ass play with someone else, and have only had it done to me once. So, I was a little nervous about how much lube to use and how fast/slow to take things. It went fairly smoothly though. He made some absolutely wonderful noises. He’s told me before that he’s not such a tough guy when it comes to his ass and judging by the noises he made, I’d say he’s probably right! I also ran my nails across his ass, which made him cringe like no other. MMMMMM, it was so sweet.
The second time we were going at it he’d slow down while he was fucking me. I had to remind him several times to go fast and hard, just like I like it. But, like I said, he kept slowing down, so I thought he was getting close to cumming again. Just to torment him, I reminded him yet again to keep going hard and fast. To which he replied, “Hard and fast doesn’t really do it for me.” That made me laugh out loud! I reminded him that it’s not about HIM, it’s about ME. I had him fuck me the way I wanted for a while more and then began the 10 second countdown. He wasn’t able to cum in that amount of time so he had to just stop and pull out. The look on his face when I make him do that is absolutely priceless.
I showed him the ankle bracelet I made for him, to represent my ownership of him. I have to make it a little bit smaller but otherwise it wasn’t too bad. Before I put it on him I asked him to tell me what it represented. He was having a hard time putting it into words, which I totally understand. So, part of his reflection about last night is supposed to contain a more thoughtful. detailed explanation of what it means to him. I may post part of what he says on here.
Thought I’d leave ya’ll with a little something yummy….well, I think it’s mighty yummy anyway!! You can even see my nail marks. MMMMM….
Depression & Dating February 21, 2008
I really don’t know where Paden and I are right now. The past two days we’ve exchanged texts, but that’s about it. I know some more stuff is going down with his roommate but it’s bothering me that I don’t know.
A little background about me, I have depression. It pretty much bites ass. It’s been under control for about 6 months now but a couple weeks ago I went out of town for two days and didn’t take my medication – haven’t quite been the same since. Two days shouldn’t have made a big difference, but obviously it did.
Anyway, I have a semi-stressful job. I’m a private tutor (I know, sounds way stressful, doesn’t it?). I love the kid I tutor but her parents are those over-protective, expect absolute perfection, PSYCHO parents. Last night I left their house, almost in tears. I got home and the first thing I did was run to the computer, hoping to talk to Paden. He wasn’t there. Almost instantly I lost it. I started bawling, went to my room and just lay in my bed crying for a solid half hour. Yesterday I went and worked out and felt GREAT. Until I went to tutor, then the life got sucked out of me. It’s been not so great ever since. All day today I’ve been numb. Since tutoring tonight I’ve been on the verge of tears – the place where you’re totally sad, but you can’t really pinpoint why (and if you can, the reasons are bogus – as in my case this time), and you can’t cry – no matter how hard you try.
I have a date on Saturday with another sub I’ve been talking to. He sounds really great and we get along decently. We’ve taken things A LOT slower than I did with Paden though. I think that’s definitely best for me emotionally, but I’m incapable of doing it without the guy initiating that path (ironic considering I’m a domme, eh?) So, I’m not extremely excited about the date Saturday. You’d think I would be – this guy is only an hour and a half away, while Paden is 1,200 miles away. And, like I said, his location isn’t the only thing he has going for him – he’s an all around great guy. But I’m just not excited.
