Random Update August 4, 2008

I have been wanting to do a post for a while now but have been busy.  Preschool starts in a few weeks and there’s *a lot* of prep involved for a new school year – especially for a first year teacher.  Granted, I do have a co-teacher but I also have 3 sections for a total of 40ish students.  Plus, my co-teacher had a baby on Thursday and he’s not doing well.  He was air-lifted the day he was born to a state-of-the-art hospital a couple hours away, which is where he still is.  He wasn’t able to breathe on his own for the first couple days.  He is now but there are still problems – his parents haven’t been able to hold him yet.  So, no one really knows when she’ll be back to work.  There’s a good chance I’ll be on my own to start off the year.  That scares the shit out of me! 

 

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Lisa came over for dinner and to hang out one evening last week.  We basically spent the evening sitting on the couch chatting, watching a ‘lil tv, and she did some knitting.  Throughout the evening she made a couple comments that made me wonder if she didn’t have something more than friendship in mind for us.  Granted, the possibility of more crossed my mind before we even met – how could it not considering our similar interests (both vanilla and in the lifestyle), our locations and similar ages.  Oh, and of course the fact that she’s GORGEOUS had something to do with it.  But, I never let my mind wonder that way.  I didn’t want to hassle with romantic feelings interfering with this potentially amazing friendship, and I was rather successful with that. 

 

But, when she was at my place the other night and she made a subtle comment or two, I started to look at her differently.  It was like a switch clicked in my head.  I wanted her.  Because I couldn’t get it out of my head and in general I’m a very forward person, I just went ahead and asked her point blank if she had something more than friendship in mind for us (or something along those lines – I don’t remember my exact words anymore).  She didn’t seemed surprised but did ask for clarification, though I’m convinced she knew exactly what I meant! lol.  She said something along the lines of not being completely opposed to the idea but reiterated that her top priority is her relationship with her fiance, which she needs to focus on right now. 

 

I must say I was relieved by her response.  If she was interested in pursuing something romantic with me, I would be open to it, but at the same time I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.  Plus, the relationship with her fiance would always be primary and while I identify as bisexual, I want to spend my life with a man.  So, if we were to pursue something, we would be jeopardizing an unbelievable friendship for something that was almost guaranteed not to last.

 

We hung out a fair amount on Saturday and it was completely normal.  I didn’t feel like there was any awkwardness or anything along those lines.  Perhaps she did though, I don’t know.  I love the friendship we have – the fact that we are so radically honest with each other and that neither of us get freaked out too easily.

 

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Yesterday a guy from a vanilla dating site contacted me.  I was not impressed.  We chatted over messenger for almost an hour and during that time he asked nothing personal about me that was not of a sexual nature.  He wanted to meet today which freaked me out – we’d just started chatting!  Plus, like I said, he just seemed extremely shallow.  He asked me at one point to tell me something crazy about myself.  By that point I’d decided I wasn’t interested so I said, “I’m into bdsm.”  I thought for sure it would scare him away.

 

It didn’t.  Well, it did – it just took a while.  He pretended to be all interested in it and turned on by some of my posts (I gave him the link to my blog).  I had no clue where to start to explain the lifestyle to him.  There are so many different approaches, theories, etc.  After wasting another hour of my time, he concluded it did in fact freak him out.  Mission Accomplished. lol.

The Beholder Sucks July 27, 2008

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder…..

 

This is very embarrassing/humbling to talk about but I need to get it out.  As I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I’m on eharmony.  I can’t count the number of times the “process” (multiple choice questions, must haves/can’t stands/essay questions, then finally open communication) has been going well, until I give them access to my photos.  Then they close communication citing “other” as their reason.  I tried not to take it personally in the beginning but it’s really starting to get to me.    I’d like to think I’m not THAT ugly.  Yeah, I’m overweight but I wouldn’t say I’m excessively overweight – it’s not usually hard for me to find clothes that fit, I don’t have to have special clothes made or shop at specialty stores or anything like that. 

 

It makes me lose faith in the male gender as a whole.  I know that’s not fair because there are a lot of good guys out there but in my experience it’sbeen hard to find one that isn’t simple minded and shallow.  When I go out to a bar, the amount I get hit-on totally depends on the amount of cleavage I’m showing.  And I’m in no way exaggerating. 

I’ve talked to a few guys I didn’t think were all that attractive but I at least wanted to give them some semblance of a chance.  I feel like women are more likely to judge a person based on their personality rather than their looks.  That’s something I’ve thought about a lot in the past couple of years so it’s something I pay attention to quite often.  When I’m out and about, often times I’ll see an attractive woman with what society would consider an unattractive man.  How often do I see a hot guy with what society would consider an unattractive woman?  NEVER!  Okay, *maybe* once or twice, but close to never.

 

It’s on TV too.  How many TV shows can you think of that have an unattractive woman and attractive man paired up?  Seriously, I want to know.  How many TV shows can you think of that have a hot woman with an unattractive man?  Let’s see…According to Jim, The Simpsons, Family Guy, King of Queens, Two and a Half Men (I don’t think the guys on it are all that unattractive but they sure as hell don’t date ugly women), 8 Simple Rules, Becker, George Lopez, Grounded for Life, Married with Children, just to name a few.  I’m not saying all the leading men in those shows are unattractive per-say, but they also aren’t in the same league as their significant other. 

 

One thing brings me comfort though – the double standard doesn’t seem to be as apparent in the lifestyle.  Rarely have I met a D/s guy (dominant or submissive) who immediately stopped talking to me when he found out what I looked like – and a lot of them saw way more of me than the guys on eharmony do. lol.  I guess one could argue that guys in the D/s world just wanna get laid more or are more horny or something along those lines.  But I really don’t think that’s it.  I think in general men in the lifestyle know what really matters – they see beyond the surface stuff.  Or perhaps they think they have to lower their expectations (like the SNL skit) to find someone.  [Side note: Perhaps that’swhy more attractive women are with unattractive men – they crave a relationship more than men do so they’re willing to lower their expectations in the appearance department.  I can’t say that that’s a totally bad thing though)  I really don’t know.  I do know that I’ve seen multiple D/s couples online that I thought the man was more attractive than the woman though.  Hunter and I were an example of that.  He was HOT by society’s standards and I am obviously not.  But, it didn’t last so I don’t know if it can really be used as an example or not.

 

Okay, I’m done blabbing about that for now.