The truth June 27, 2008

I found out last night that Hunter is going on vacation with Alicia and her family.  And, she’s going on his family vacation.  Nothing going on between them my fucking ass!  I called him out on it last night and he still swears there is nothing – that he doesn’t want anything with anybody right now.  He technically has no reason to lie, especially because I’ve already messed around with someone but he’s Hunter so who the hell knows.

 

I hope to god this is finally the last straw for me.  But knowing me and my weak ass it probably won’t be.

Nothing to hear here May 13, 2008

I talked to Hunter today for a little bit.  I had been a little worried because he didn’t call last night.  But, turns out he lost his phone.  He does that far too much!  I’m really bummed about the upcoming week.  He works Wednesday-Thursday night, Saturday, and Sunday morning.  I’m a substitute teacher so for the most part I can pick when I work and when I don’t.  But, due to some unexpected illnesses at my favorite school, I’m working this whole damn week!  I get off work at 4:15 and he has to be to work at 5.  UGH!  And, it’s looking like he won’t be able to go to the graduation with me.  But, he has tried to find people to switch shifts with on Saturday.  While I am very appreciative of that effort, it would have meant hella more to me if he’d made some effort to get the day off ahead of time.

So, it’s looking like I may get to spend a few hours with him Saturday evening, then he moves 3 hours away.  Yippie.  I have no idea how much I’ll get to see him over the summer.  All I know is that if he doesn’t make every effort to see me whenever possible, he may return to college in the fall as a single boy.  I don’t want that though.  I hope all my worrying about the summer is for nothing.

He’s gone out to eat with Alicia at least twice in the past few days.  He had dinner with her last Friday and last night.  It’s not that I feel threatened by that – they were in a group of people.  And, I know it’s convenient – she lives down the block while I live a half hour away.  But I’m jealous!  *cue whiny voice* She gets to see him all the time and I hardly do. *cue tears* It’s just not fair!

I apologize – this has been pretty boring reading lately.  A whole lot of whining actually.  I’ll try to change that!

Wild thing, I think I love you April 27, 2008

A quick little update about my last post…

The pms faded a lot sooner than I thought it would.  I moped around until my sister got home and when she made dinner I went upstairs to get some and then was going to retreat back to my hole in the basement (that’s where my couch & tv and everything are).  But, she said she was going to join me.  I can’t be miserable with her around (she has the ability to cheer me up unlike anyone else) so I caved and just had dinner upstairs with her.  In no time I was back to being myself and spent much of the evening scrapbooking.  I knew it would fade and eventually everything would be fine again but that just doesn’t make help ease the pain at the time. 

Anyway…onto the good stuff!

Hunter and I had a delightful night together last night.  When I’m with him, everything with the world feels perfect.  I don’t worry about us, our future, or the other women in his life.  It’s just the two of us – simply savoring every moment together. 

There was a lot of pain for him last night.  Granted, I think I say that after almost every night we spend togehter.  There is defnitely a lot of pain in his future.  Anyway, last night the pain started with clothespins on his nipples.  That just can’t get old, I swear.  My favorite part was when he was sitting on the couch and I straddled him, all seductive-like and when I’d lean down to kiss him it’d smash his clamped nipples – the pain making it almost impossible for him to kiss me back. Pretty much the whole time I was tormenting his nipples, his cock was rock hard. Mmmmm…..

The first time we fucked last night we went at it for quite a while (well, by my standards anyway).  When I counted down from 10, Hunter wasn’t able to cum so I made him pull out.  While I do enjoy when he cums, I also enjoy the painful look he gets on his face when he has to pull out without cumming.  Every time he looks like he could cry.  I love it!  He did eventually get to cum – twice (I know, I spoil him, don’t I?  hehe).  The first time I made him eat it out of me.  He gagged a few times – I guess it tasted worse than normal.  I got quite a kick out of that.  Later as we lay naked together on the couch (gosh how I love those moments!), like a pouty little boy he asked, “Will I always have to eat my cum?”  I told him that no, he wouldn’t always have to – but usually. 

I think he kind of doubted me when I said that though.  But, I proved him wrong!  The second time he came last night, I didn’t make him eat it.  Why you ask?  Because I’m just nice like that.  Okay, maybe that wasn’t totally it.  You see, I’m an idiot.  Earlier in the evening I’d grabed a magic marker (it was the closest thing!) to write the list of punishments I have or will use (I know, I’m 23 and have to write shit like that down in order to remember it….I’m so screwed!)  Then, I thought I’d just write a little on his body.  I wrote “Man Whore” (which he definitely was before he met me) near his cock, my name on his cock, and various other scribble type things on his stomach.  Then I remembered the marker was a washable one.  So, as soon as our naked bodies were once again laying together on the couch I too was all blue.  After we fucked my name was rubbed off of his cock but the area around my pussy was blue.  Granted, I know they’re “non-toxic” but I didn’t want to intentionally have my boy ingest ink & dye.  Plus, I’m sure there would have been transfer from my pussy to his face…don’t know how I would have explained that one to my sister!

~*~*

Normally I don’t get to spank Hunter all that much because most of the time we spend together is spent with my sister in the house also.  But, last night she decided to vaccum while he was here!!  I went to town on his ass with my hand for a bit and then the vacuum stopped.  There was a huge sigh of relief from Hunter, which just made me smile to myself.  See, I knew she wasn’t done.  Sure enough, the vacuum started up again and I went back to town on his ass.  I also laid into his balls.  I rather like slapping his balls – it gets a far more dramatic reaction than when I spank his ass.  He’d pull away as far as he could then try to close his legs as much as possible.  When both of those things failed to prevent my hand from wailing on his balls, he’d move back and try to sit on me!  I got quite a chuckle out of it.  I’d instruct him to get off of me and in his totally adorable whinny voice he’d say, “But it hurts!”  Too cute and oh so hot!

~*~*

Hunter got a really great internship in his hometown for the summer – which is 3ish hours away.  I’m happy that he has such a wonderful opportunity but I’m not happy that he’ll be so far away for 3 months.  It worries me quite a lot.  I *need* time with him, and I know he needs time with me also.  We’ve been seeing each other about once a week the past few weeks – usually on Saturday or Sunday.  By the time Wednesday or Thursday roll around, I’m a mess.  It’s usually one of those days that I start having doubts about something or another and things like that.  How am I going to make it only seeing him every 2-3 weeks!? 

He asked me last night if it would be okay if he took a second job over the summer as a cook at the same restaurant where Sarah – his ex-domme – works.  I gave it some thought and eventually said yes, but he was *never* to be alone with her.  But, I’ve given it more thought and have changed my mind.  That’s a lot of time that they would be spending together – even if they’re in a group with their co-workers, it’s still time.  If I lived in the area and was able to see him frequently, it wouldn’t phase me a bit.  But considering we won’t be able to see each other very often, I don’t want him spending that much time with the only other domme he’s ever had.  Like I’ve said before, I’m not afraid of him physically cheating on me, but of him developing feelings for her once again.  I’ve had the argument with myself – if you don’t trust him enough with her then really what does that say about your relationship?  But, why create a situation for that to happen?  If someone is tempted by something, they take efforts to avoid that thing – they wouldn’t take a job where they’re with that thing every day.  I’m not saying he is actually tempted by her at the moment, but who’s to say that couldn’t develop after seeing her day after day after day?  Plus, if he wants to make a little extra money (which he claims is the reason he wants this job), then I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding another job in his area as a short-order cook.

~*~*

Tentatively, we’re planning that I will meet Hunter’s friends this coming Saturday.  They’re having a party at his place on Saturday night.  It should be rather interesting.  I wasn’t nervous before about meeting his friends but now that this thing with Alicia has come to light, I am a little more nervous about it.  I asked him how he thought she would react and he said he hadn’t thought about it (what a guy!)  He wasn’t sure if she’d do anything, though he did say she can be pretty unpredictable when she’s drunk.  He did think there may be some caddy comments from some of the other girls in the group.  Seriously?  Aren’t we supposed to be adults – have some level of maturity?  It feels like fucking high school all over again.

~*~*

I want to end on a positive note – things are really going well and I am genuinely happy.  We were watching “Wild Things” last night and when the cheesy 3-some scene was about to come on I told him to watch ’cause there would be some girl-on-girl action going on.  It didn’t even phase him – he said he wanted was me.  At another point during the movie they had a cool shot of a house and he said, “That’s what our house should have!”  He said OUR

 

PMS…gotta love being a woman April 24, 2008

Every female feels the effects of PMS differently.  Some feel no effects (lucky bitches!) while some get pissy and others eat like crazy.  Me, I get emotional – not in the pissy way, in the sad way.  Everything seems worse than it actually is.  While it’s happening I realize what I’m upset about is stupid but at the same time I can’t stop feeling what I’m feeling.  Sometimes I cry while other times I want to but just can’t.  Today is a crying day – big time.

My day was great.  I substitute taught with the class I student taught with.  I adore the kids and it was a fun day.  But at the end of the day we were running late and one of my kids almost missed the bus.  Yeah, that’s when I felt myself starting to get emotional.  STUPID!  Then I talked to a friend who had originally called me to see if I wanted to get together. But, between the time she called me and I was able to call her back, something came up.  That was another step closer to tears (things like that happen all the time – normally doesn’t phase me a bit).

Hunter was online when I got home and it helped to talk to him – at first.  He had been weighing on my mind.  His rule is to call or text when he gets off work or gets in for the night.  He didn’t text me until after 1 a.m.  That had me instantly worried.  Why hadn’t he called earlier like always?  Who had he been with? What had he been doing?  He assured me everything was fine – he was just feeling overwhelmed with school & work.  Then he immed me simply saying “I want you.” That cheered me right up – until he said “Guess what, guess what?”  I was all excited that maybe he was going to stay in the area this summer (as opposed to going to his hometown which is 3 hours away) or that he didn’t have to work tonight or something.  But no, he was super excited because his friend Alicia bought him a hat. 

Let me explain why it was a particularly large let down.  She’s in love with him.  He just found out a week ago and it came as a complete shock to him.  I couldn’t write about it until now because we were afraid she had found the blog, but we found out she didn’t.  We were afraid of that because she got on his computer while he was passed out and hacked into his accounts and all of that.  She e-mailed me, claiming that SHE was his girlfriend.  Yeah, that gave me warm fuzzies inside.  That was one of the major reasons he was a little distant at times this past weekend.  And with him wanting to spend more time with his friends this week, it just makes me worry.  He’s told me he only looks at her like a friend and that’s the way it has always been. But, that doesn’t mean things don’t change.  How do I compete with 3 years of history? How does he go from telling me that he wants me to telling me about this kick-ass gift she got him? It was like a shot to the gut. 

I had trust issues before I started seeing Hunter – I wrote about it extensively on here.  And it’s not that I don’t trust him.  I truly believe he wouldn’t do anything with another girl while he’s with me, but that doesn’t prevent feelings from changing.  That’s what happened with my ex-boyfriend – he didn’t physically cheat on me but definitely did on an emotional level.  I fear that if I become too worried about the situation with Alicia it will drive him away. But, I can’t *not* worry about it. 

Hunter is really worried about how her feelings for him are going to change their friendship.  He wants things to stay the same as much as possible.  At this point I couldn’t handle that though.  They used to cuddle, she’d sleep in his bed if he was out of town, she did his laundry, she’d change while he was in the room, they’ve met each others families for goodness sakes.  They were/are so close many of their friends would joke about how they should be a couple.  She’s still going to do his laundry – specifically his boxers and t-shirts.  To me that just seems weird.  I feel like there needs to be some boundaries between them. I know they won’t be cuddling and things along those lines anymore. But, things have changed, no matter how much Hunter doesn’t want to admit or accept it.  She won’t get over him if they continue the friendship as it has been going.  But, I’m scared to talk to Hunter about it because it could drive him away.  What if he says “screw you” to me – that he’s not willing to make any of those changes for me.  Thing is, I’ve been that girl.  Whether Alicia admits it or not (or even fully realizes it), those little things that they have bring her hope.  The fact that she made him smile one of his huge to-die-for smiles when she gave him his hat today gave her hope.

I feel like if I said something it would be like me telling him who he can and cannot be friends with.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t want them to spend any time together, I’d just prefer more space between them.  But, I know that friendship means a lot to him – how could I ask him to give that up, even a little?  How could I ask him to put a 1.5 month relationship before a 3 year friendship? At the same time, how can a new relationship stand a chance if it isn’t the priority?

Like I said before, when I’m PMSing everything seems *way* worse than it actually is.  Right now I just have to hope these doubts and insecurities will fade soon – at least for the most part.  Until then I guess I’ll just continue riding this roller coaster of emotions.  I’m fine for 10 minutes – totally confident in my relationship with Hunter. Then BAM, the tears hit me yet again and I become convinced he’ll leave me.  That’s one of the reasons this was such a rambling post – my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.  At this point I have no idea how I’m genuinely feeling.  Even if this thing with Hunter wasn’t happening, I’d still probably be crying anyway.  Like I said, I was almost in tears because my kids almost missed the bus and I couldn’t get together with my friend.  The fact that PMS is temporary and will fade in a day or two is of *very* little comfort.  I want the fuck off this roller coaster NOW.