I am me. I am not unhappy about who I am. Are there things I would like to change about myself? Of course. The biggest being I wish I had more self-discipline (both with health related issues and sex…as in I should hold out longer, lol). People tell me I’m a pessimist and impatient and there is definitely truth in both of those characterizations. But there is little desire within me to change those aspects of myself. Most pessimists are considered unhappy but I’m really quite happy with my life. My feisty, pessimistic comments are often a source of humor for my friends and family. And the patient thing? It’s not that I’m less patient than others, it’s just that I vocalize it when I’m feeling impatient. I believe most people feel as impatient as I do, they just keep it inside. I don’t see the point in that. If you’re annoying me because you’re slow, I’m going to tell you. And I won’t get upset if I ever annoy you for being slow. It most likely won’t speed up my pace but it won’t bother me either because I know how therapeutic expressing those frustrations can be.
However, some in my family seem to be quite bothered by who I am and by the fact that I don’t see any need to change. At Thanksgiving my sister made an offhand comment about how I will never find a life partner if I don’t become more patient. I can see where she is coming from. If I don’t change at all, I would be difficult to be married to. But she implies that not finding a life partner would somehow be a bad thing. That somehow my life is lacking because I’m single (which is ironic considering she is too). I don’t agree. We celebrated Christmas with my niece a couple weeks ago. I kid you not, we spent 75% of dinner listening to her go on and on about how I’m never going to find someone because of this, that, and the other thing (mind you, this is also the one who wants to set me up with her friend). She went on so long I finally had to defend myself with a weak, “Well, my co-workers and students like me so must not be ALL bad!” It was Christmas dinner; I didn’t want an argument to break out and she has bipolar and is freaking crazy so I didn’t want her to have a meltdown.
Here’s the thing, a lot of her points are valid. I am extremely selfish about my time. I enjoy having nothing to do on weekends. I enjoy walking into an empty and silent apartment at the end of the day. I really enjoy having my bed all to myself. I like that I never have to share the TV with anyone. I don’t consider those character flaws. It’s not like I walk around wondering “Why oh why can’t I find anyone?” I’m not looking! Well, not actively anyway. And for the record, I’m by no means 100% selfish – when my friends or family need something it’s a priority for me to be there for them. I just don’t want that to be my life all day, every day (hence why I don’t want children at this point in my life also).
I refuse to believe the things my sister and niece have commented on are genuine character flaws. I’m self-aware and that isn’t a bad thing! The world would be a hella better place if more people were honest about who they are – there would be way less divorces and messed up children. When I find someone I don’t consider it work to spend time with, someone I *want* to come home to, someone who doesn’t annoy the hell out of me after two days of being with them, then I’ll change on my own. Until then, I think it’s a damn good way of weeding out the people who aren’t right for me. My family needs to back the fuck off and accept me for being me, just as I have grown to do.
