Best Version November 23, 2008

For several years now I’ve said that the main “quality” I look for in a significant other is that they challenge me to become the best version of myself.  It’s ironic (perhaps even sad) though because I wouldn’t say that any of the guys I’ve been interested in in the past 3ish years would have helped me become the best version of myself.  Not to imply they were “bad” guys – they weren’t, but they also didn’t compliment my weaknesses per say. 

 

A guy who, in my opinion, challenges me to better myself would motivate me to volunteer more, would push me to live a more simple life (in terms of material items and being environmentally conscious), would challenge me intellectually, help me lead a more healthy lifestyle, and of course be both submissive and my equal simultaneously.  Come on, that shouldn’t be too hard to find!  /sarcasm

 

I’ve often wondered if I can be the best version of myself as a domme.  I worry I would be too lazy – I’d make the sub do most of the cleaning, cooking and such.  He wouldn’t be able to push me too hard to exercise or do much of anything – I could always pull the domme card.   But, when I picture myself in a submissive role, I totally see myself being the person I want to be.  I lack self-discipline in a big way – a dom would definitely help me with that.  I am rather lazy (both about housework and exercise) – a dom would help me with that.  I don’t think I would be doing it *for* him either (it’s better to change for yourself, rather than for someone else) – I would simply be getting the strength to change from him. 

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about subbing lately.  The more time that passes since my last domme experiences (Farm Boy doesn’t really count – it didn’t do a whole lot for me ’cause the emotional component was missing) – the more my fantasies (you know, what I think about when I’m trying to get off) revolve around being submissive rather than dominant.  It’s always been a little like that – subbing makes me horny in fantasies, but not in reality, while dominating doesn’t do a lot for me during fantasies but does a lot for me in reality.  But, when I talk to dom’s they don’t take enough time to make that vanilla connection.  With a dom I would definitely have to start out pretty vanilla-ish.  I think to be truly happy in a submissive role, I would first have to be in love with them.  Not a lot of guys are willing to put in that much time with someone who in the end may not even be submissive.  I can’t say I blame them either. 

 

I’m not unhappy with my life right now.  Being single doesn’t bother me all that much.  I would be okay being single the rest of my life.  I just wish I knew what I was “meant” to be – single or taken.  I don’t even want to know necessarily who it is, if I’m meant to be with someone. I just wanna know whether or not there is actually someone out there for me!

I Just Don’t Get It November 19, 2008

There are so many different facets to BDSM.  I learned of a new one tonight.  Financial domination.  I guess I’ve heard the term thrown around here and there but for some reason I never thought it was “real.”  I stand corrected.

 

I know, in the lifestyle we aren’t supposed to ‘dis those different than us -we’re supposed to be the definition of tolerant and blah, blah, blah.  But damn, financial domination is fucking stupid!  The guy who e-mailed me saying he would give me a Victoria’s Secret is into financial domination. There are actually men out there who pay women for attention!  I guess that’s not a whole lot different than getting a pro domme or using a prostitute, now that I think about it.  But it still just seems so backwards. 

 

I can’t imagine being so full of myself as to think men should have to pay me to even chat with me.  Phone sex for pay is one thing but financial domination is in a whole ‘nother league.  Or pay to be allowed to cum.  The guy I talked to tonight paid one chick $200 for the girls boyfriends used condom.  And it wasn’t because that’s what did it for him – it was because she told him to.  The guy I was talking to said that over the last 4 years he’s spent between $8,000-10,000 on online financial dommes.  You fucking kidding me?  That’s almost what I make in a year!  I can’t imagine spending that kind of money (hell, any kind of money) on someone who is *obviously* using me.  It makes me sad that there are women this cruel and men this sad in this world.

 

Again, I know, I know – different strokes for different folks.  But still, I just don’t get it.

Boringness November 16, 2008

As usual, there’s not a whole lot to write about.  My life consists of work, work, and more work.  Good thing I love my job!  My sister is leaving tomorrow for 10 days.  I’m really not looking forward to that.

 

A couple days ago I got what seemed to be a “normal” note from a guy on collarme (I use the term “normal” because some of the notes sent on there are totally crazy and off the wall).  We exchanged a couple e-mails and then I received one last night saying “I would like to send you a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret to show my appreciation for you corresponding with me.”  Seriously?

 

First, if he thinks he has to buy women like that, he’s got issues.  He obviously needs to get some better self-esteem and start associating with less shallow women.  Second, it totally freaked me out because it totally could have been a ploy to get my address.  Needless to say, I will no longer be communicating with him.

 

Sadly, that is the extent of the “excitement” in my life.

No More Farm Boy November 9, 2008

I spent the evening with farm boy last night, and it will be the last time I see him.  The evening was quite enjoyable for both of us but there was the emotional component missing.  It was all about messing around, no time for just chatting like last time.  Our first round of play included clothespins, him being tied up & spanked, him wearing some female lingerie, and some ice.  Oh, and a ball gag.  It was among the most fun I’ve had during a scene.  It was nothing too exciting obviously, but intense for us two fairly inexperienced “lifestylers” nonetheless.  There was a ton of squirmy and screaming on his part during the spanking which really got me going.

 

Our second go-round was mostly just me fucking him with a strap-on while he was tied up until he came.  It went not so badly, considering it was only my second time with a strap-on.  After about 5 minutes of chilling on the couch after he came, he wanted me to tie him up in the bedroom again, like we had earlier.  I wasn’t crazy about the idea – it was getting to be bedtime and I really wasn’t feeling like that he was into *me* – just that he was into the sexual aspect.  So he went into his room and tied himself up!  I relented, tweaked his ties and spanked him a little again.  He begged me to make/let him cum but eventually I just untied him and told him I was ready for bed.  At no point in the evening did he ask how *I* was.  I definitely didn’t want it to be all about me but it felt like it wasn’t about me at all.  He never made any reference to wanting to please me or even made any move to touch me – even when we were just casually sitting on the couch.  I know as the domme I could have said, “Fuck me” or “Eat me” or anything along those lines and I would have, had I had any inclination that he cared to.  I know he would have had I told him to but I wanted him to want to do it. 

 

When we went to bed last night as I laid in bed next to him, rubbing his back (not in a massage way, in a tickle-ish way) while he slept, I almost started crying.  I felt alone.  I felt used.  It was the exact same feeling I have after casual sex, even though we didn’t technically have sex.  He had been using me for sexual gratification.  I had let him fool me into thinking he might actually care about *me*.

 

I wanted to call him out on it before I left in the morning but I was afraid he wouldn’t be honest about it.  So, I waited until I was about halfway home and texted him, inquiring as to whether not he actually wanted me or was just interested in the submitting aspect.  He texted back “just sub.”  I replied, saying I figured, that I appreciated him being honest with me, and that I don’t think we should see each other again.  That was that.

 

Much to my surprise I started crying and cried almost all of the rest of the way home, and am even tearing up now.  It’s pissing me off that I’m this emotional about it.  I was totally psyched after our first date but the more we chatted on the phone afterward, the more some of his greatness faded – he wasn’t as “grown-up” as I thought he was, he partied more than I thought, and drove drunk occasionally, is really into guns, and has different views politically (that’s not necessarily a deal-breaker but it’s really not a good thing).  While I enjoyed spending time with him and on the surface he was the kind of guy I wanted to settle down with, I couldn’t really see the areas/ways in which he would help me become the best version of myself.  But, I could pinpoint lots of areas with him that need fixin’ (er, I mean that I could help him grow as a person). LOL.

 

I could pursue a purely physical relationship with him but that wouldn’t be healthy for me emotionally.  I envy the people who can have casual, or semi-casual relations.  I’m incapable of doing it without getting emotionally involved (and I can’t bring myself to mess around with someone I’m not attracted to, thus not interested in).  I think one of the reason’s I’m so emotional about this guy is that after the first date, I did have high hopes.  It’s the disappointment that comes with finding out any seemingly “normal” kinky guy isn’t “the one.”

 

After the text interaction with farm boy on my way home, I also texted Hunter.  We tried to hook up two different times this past week but both times things came up.  I told him that I thought maybe we shouldn’t talk for a while, that it was nothing personal, it was just something I feel I have to do.  Often when I’m dissapointed about a guy, I fixate on some other guy.  I don’t want that to happen this time.  I don’t want get overly involved with Hunter again because I’m trying to forget about farm boy.  Plus, the thing with Hunter is rocky anyway. 

 

The timing kinda stinks though.  Next week I’ll be less busy at work, which means I’ll have more free time to think about and pine over all these men who don’t reciprocate my feelings.  Plus, next week my sister is leaving for 10 days, and how I’ll do without her here is always a crapshoot.  That will make not texting either of them for a booty call even more difficult. 

I wish the comfort of knowing I did the right thing outweighed pain that often goes along with it.

BBW November 6, 2008

I’m a “bbw” (big, beautiful woman).  I immensely dislike that term.  I view it to be a kind way of saying “fat” (or, if that word stirs too negative of feelings – overweight).  But, I can’t say I’m fat because then people say, “No you’re not” when really, I am (and no, I’m not one of those dramatic women who weigh nothing and say they’re fat – I am clinically overweight) or they judge me and are totally turned off because I said something negative about myself.  It feels like to me overweight chicks thought up the term to make them feel less badly about themselves.  I guess there’s nothing wrong with that – I can see how one can be empowered by using a term like bbw, but I don’t and I resent the fact that I feel like I have to use it.  What’s wrong with calling a spade, a spade, especially when it’s about oneself – not others?

Uncomfortable November 3, 2008

This past weekend a co-worker got married.  It’s the first time I’ve partied with my boss and I’ve only gone out drinking with the bride and a few other co-workers once before.  It was extremely awkward – for me.

 

I can be crazy in the bedroom (by some people’s standards at least) but I am totally shy about public displays of affection – even if not genuine!  One of my co-workers is a very lovey person – especially when she drinks.  My co-workers were all huggin’ and kissin’ each others cheeks and everything – even the chick who started a month before me!  I was so stand-offish whenever people would try to hug me or something along those lines.  And, my co-teacher’s husband was there and he was drunk.  It was the first time I’d met him and he started grinding with me and his wife was right there!  I was petrified!  But, it didn’t phase her and he did it with basically all my co-workers too. 

 

Seriously, I get off on spanking guys and humiliating them sexually and yet hugs and light grinding makes me freeze?  What the heck is wrong with me?!

Random rant about religion November 1, 2008

Wow, I haven’t posted in a while.  There hasn’t been a whole lot to post about though.  Hunter and I patched things up a little bit.  I honestly don’t now if we’ll ever sleep together again or not.  At this point it isn’t a priority for either of us.

 

The farm boy I thought totally wasn’t interested, is I guess.  He said he just takes things *really* slowly when he starts to see someone.  I wouldn’t say he’s overly enthusiastic though so I’m still not getting my hopes up.  We have a tentative date set for next weekend so we’ll see.

 

~*~*~

I went to a co-workers wedding today.  It was really odd because it was a Catholic service, and I was raised Catholic.  But in the last two years I’ve gone through a transformation spiritually.  I’ve stopped identifying as Catholic, and even as Christian.  I just don’t buy into the whole Jesus concept.  I believe in a higher power but I just can’t grasp the concept of “him” sending ”his” son and that whole deal.  Also, what about all the religions out there?  Are they all hogwash?  I find that my beliefs most closely line up with diesm.  Plus, being an American at this point in time drives me away from Christianity (and religion as whole) because of how much it is shoved down our throats. 

 

But, that’s not what I’m getting at.  At the wedding today I *wanted* to believe.  It reminded me how much I do miss the mass.  Mass was always a very emotional experience for me – I wasn’t one who just went through the emotions.   I yearn for a place to organize, sing, and have a spiritual community.  I miss the connection I felt with a total stranger simply by holding their hand during the “Our Father.”  I wish there was some diest-ish equivalent to a church. 

 

What impacted me more though was the thought that I can’t get married in a church.  Not that I want to necessarily want to get married in a place that believes in Jesus, but I do want my wedding to be more than just vows – I want it to be spiritual.  But my whole life I’ve pictured my wedding in a church – and trust me, I’m one of those girls who’s spent hours on end planning my wedding (which may never happen!)  The thought of not having a church wedding makes me very sad.  And it makes me sad that there isn’t a decent, indoor alternative for a church for non-believers.  I’m sure that varies from area to area, but in my area it’s either a justice of the peace at a courthouse, outside (backyard, botanical gardens), or a church.  And, it won’t exactly be easy finding a justice of the peace who will do an actual ceremony type thing.  Most justices I’ve come in contact with have been very “lets get this thing done” type people.

 

It’s silly that this bothers me when there isn’t even a man in my life.  I may never get married, yet I fret about this.  But it’s part of the big picture – the shaft that non-believers get in this society.  It is difficult to be not-religious in America – though I would imagine being Muslim might be even tougher.  For a society that is free, we sure aren’t that tolerant of those who are different than us.