Been here, done this October 21, 2008

My theory is that 99% of the time, being friends with your ex immediately after the break-up is not a good idea.  It usually doesn’t end well.  I know that.  I’ve been there, many times.  But each and every time I rationalize it somehow – justify staying friends with them.  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

 

I’ve talked several times about how the arrangement between Hunter and I works well for me.  It’s all okay, blah, blah, blah.  But again, pursuing something with an ex bit me in the ass.  I finally realized he’s just been using me.  He doesn’t give a fuck about me.  While the couple times we hooked up didn’t give me any illusions that he wanted to reconcile, it did still make me feel like he cared about me in *some* way.  That meant a lot to me. 

 

But, I was just another piece of ass.  Granted, it was a kinky piece of ass, but still just a piece of ass.  He has a date on Thursday.  He’s totally allowed to date others, I have, we aren’t together.  But, one of his lines when we broke-up (and later toyed with the idea of getting back together) was that he couldn’t give me what I deserved time-wise.  Why is he pursuing a relationship now if that’s the case?  It obviously wasn’t the time issue with me – he just didn’t care about me anymore, which means he hasn’t at all this fall and thus, I’ve been allowing myself to be used.  He said he doesn’t plan on having sex with her because he knows my rule – if he has sex with other people there’s no more sex for us.  That made me feel better, temporarily.  But then I had to ask myself why I believe him.  What guy would give up a piece of ass right in front of him for a girl a half hour away that he sees once a month and obviously doesn’t love?  Another thing, the last time we had sex it was because he was in town to get some alcohol.  Today he was going to stop by and “tap that” because he’d be in town to get a video. 

 

I think part of the reason I’m so shook up about this is that I felt like I’d made real progress as far as allowing myself to be used is concerned.  I tried to tell myself that sex with Hunter wasn’t “casual” because there were *some* feelings there somewhere.  I tried to tell myself it wasn’t just about the sex – again, there were feelings there somewhere.  But really, it was just about the sex.

 

And part of me is scared – scared that I will let him in again sometime.  Scared that I will want him again.  Right now I feel like I could walk away and not look back.  But, as always, I know that will fade.  A few days from now, or a month from now (or even later today!) I’ll want him again (physically).  I won’t care that it’s just sex – he’ll say something sweet and sexy and I’ll again try to talk myself into believe I actually meant something to him.  And at some point, I’ll probably end up at this exact same point again. 

 

Self-discipline would really be a nice trait to possess.

A Girls Period October 19, 2008

One of the things I immensely dislike about being a woman is the whole period thing.  Personally, as a single, young female in our society, I often feel like a leper when I’m having my period.  I know a lot of people have sex while a girl is having her period but your “average” guy isn’t at all interested – or at least acts like he’s not interested.  There have been countless times I’ve had a hook-up planned but then had to bail because I was ragging. 

 

I can’t say I can totally blame the guys.  If I was a lesbian I wouldn’t be too turned on when my partner was having her period, that’s for sure.  I definitely wouldn’t go down on her, or finger her for that matter.  But I’d like to think I wouldn’t be *totally* repulsed by it, like so many men seem to be.  I get that they might not have been around it and all that shit but it’s a fact of life, get the fuck over it!  Sex while a girl is ragging doesn’t have to be gross or messy if a couple goes about it the right way.  And, judging by a lot of blogs I read, it seems like a lot of men grow out of their paranoidness about it.  But, that doesn’t really help me get laid at this point in time, does it?

 

I’m bringing this up now because Hunter was planning to come over for a quickie this past week.  He decided not to though because I was having my period.  His reasoning was sweet (well, sweet by Hunter’s standards at least).  He said he didn’t want to come because the best part for him was eating me out after I got done beating him, while I was dripping wet.  I gave him an out – told him it was up to him.  Now I kind of wish I wouldn’t have though.  While we don’t have the kind of “relationship” that is all about ME, it’s also not all about him.  He was still getting laid, he was still going to get enjoyment out of it, he just wouldn’t get his favorite thing. 

 

Despite the fact I gave him the out, it still made me feel “dirty” – like I had something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by – like a leper (not to imply getting my period is anything close to leprosy).  Sometimes I really dislike the differences between men & women.

Sad October 14, 2008

Well, he’s not interested.  Can’t say I’m totally surprised – I kinda picked up on it despite the fact there weren’t any obvious signs. 

 

I’ve been “off” the last few days.  Considering I only met the guy once, I’m leaning towards my off moods being because of PMS and not the guy, but I honestly can’t say for sure.  Let’s be honest, I’m not exactly “normal.” Last night all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry.  Luckily (I can’t believe I’m saying this!) I had class last night so it got me out and kept me occupied.  When I got home from class I was fine.  Tonight I feel the same way.  It’s 7 p.m. and I want to go to bed.  It’s also been extremely difficult for me to get up the last two mornings, which is very unusual – and also a symptom of my depression which I haven’t experienced in quite a few months.  Part of me hopes it’s because of the guy that I’m off – I really don’t want to deal with my depression again.  It pretty much sucks.  But another part of me hopes it is the depression because if I’m this “upset” about a guy I met once – then I’m more fucked up than I thought I was!

It’s in His Kiss October 12, 2008

I had a date last night.  Well, I don’t know if “date” is really the right word.  It wasn’t a play session either.  It just was.  I’d talked to the guy for a few months; we met on CM.  I’d been kind of putting off meeting him though.  When we talked on the phone or online (which wasn’t regularly) we only talked about lifestyle related stuff, which made me think we wouldn’t connect beyond something physical, and I wasn’t even sure about that.  He is the most adorable thing ever – why would he want me?  And, he lives almost 2 hours away – that’s a long ways to drive for something I’m unsure about. 

 

But, last night I made the drive to his place and I am so glad I did.  In so many ways, he’s the guy I never thought existed.  He is funny, smart, artistic, kinky, AND a farm boy!  There was never a lack for conversation.  When we went to bed, my cheeks hurt so bad from smiling and laughing so much.  He really put himself out there for me too.  He did everything I asked of him (not that I asked anything too drastic) which was a big deal for him.  He’s been interested in the lifestyle for years but has only had one previous opportunity to explore it in real life. 

 

After I’d been there a little while he told me what his one real limit was – kissing.  I was shocked.  It took me a few minutes to wrap my head around the idea.  Everything (including sex!) was on the table – but no kissing.  He said he never kisses on the first date – it’s something he saves for girls he’s semi-serious about.  He acknowledged that there was logic missing from his theory but that’s the way it was.  To a certain degree I guess I get where he’s coming from; Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” would do anything her clients wanted, except kiss on the lips.  While I respected his decision (and in some ways it made me want him so much more because it really is sweet!) it was frustrating!  I wanted him; I wanted to kiss him *so* badly.  More than that, even though we’d just met, I wanted to be someone he was semi-serious about!

 

Even though sex was an option, I couldn’t sleep with him without kissing him.  I don’t do casual sex [anymore] and even though we’d probably see each other again, sex without kissing felt very casual – despite the fact sex with kissing can be casual so I know the two are not exclusive.  And, by him not kissing me it implied the verdict was still very much out about me; I didn’t want to put myself out there sexually if he wasn’t sure about me. 

 

The whole kissing thing wasn’t all of why we didn’t sleep together though.  It wasn’t until our 4th date that I slept with Hunter – which was also the first time he’d gotten near my tits or any other part of my body.  I feel like I’ve grown a lot in the past year and a half where sex is concerned.  I *really* want a guy to want me for me, not for the sex.  Not that waiting only a few dates ensures that, but it’s better than jumping in the sack right away.  Another thing is that I have to build up confidence with each guy.  I didn’t feel extremely dominant last night, despite the fact he was extremely submissive.  Even though I wasn’t really nervous at all around him, I didn’t really put myself out there either.  I was too shy to try a strap-on, or a whole lot of anything else.  With Hunter it took probably around two months before I had the courage to take his ass that way.  I don’t foresee myself ever being the type of person who can just do scenes.  For me to feel & be truly dominant, it has to be within the context of a D/s relationship. 

 

He said he wants to see me again but for my own sake I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much.  If he’s not interested in pursuing something beyond just sex, then I won’t see him again – that really isn’t what I want.  Even if I don’t see him again, now I know there are guys like him out there so I guess that’s something.

Ms. Crabby Pants October 6, 2008

I have been so ridiculously crabby today! I don’t know what my deal is.  Almost all my co-workers pissed me off every time they opened their mouth and I know I was more short than usual with the kids. The afternoon was better than the morning but as soon as I got home I got totally crabby again.  Soon after I got home I got offline because again, everything was pissing me off, and I was worried I was going to say something I would regret.  I went on a walk with my sister and that helped some.  I just don’t get where this is coming from!

 

~*~*~

I’ve concluded that the biggest factor in me being depressed this past weekend was that my sister was gone.  I missed the casual banter during shows and simply another’s presence in the house.  That kind of concerns me.  What if I find a job in another town?  How will I handle living all by myself all the time? 

 

As I said in my previous post, I’ve always been content by myself.  I don’t want my happiness to depend on the presence of someone else.  I want to be happy all by myself!  That makes me kind of scared to get into a relationship and really let someone in.  I don’t want to be dependent on someone else for my happiness.  I think I feel so strongly about this because this whole me being happy thing is a relatively new concept in my life.  Up until a few years ago I had no idea what it actually meant to be happy.  I fear losing that.  I’m afraid to trust anyone with my happiness (if that makes any sense).

Highs & Lows October 3, 2008

One of my past therapists/psychiatrists said I have depression with bipolar tendencies.  That hit me hard.  My niece has bipolar and I was in complete denial about being *that* messed up.  But, the more I think about, the more truth I see in it.

 

It’s definitely nothing drastic.  I don’t actually have bipolar.  I did go through a rather manic episode my junior year of college.  I was very promiscuous and not always safe about it (thank goodness I came away from that period totally clean!)  I *thought* I was happy during that time but when it was over, I felt absolutely awful about myself.  My self-esteem was nonexistent.  The long string of casual fucks during that time is one of the reasons casual sex is so harmful for me emotionally. 

 

Anyway, like I said, I only have bipolar tendencies.  When I do have highs they aren’t really manic, when I do have lows, usually they aren’t too bad (the bad ones are usually a result of med changes or forgetting to take my meds).  I’m bringing this up because I feel like I’m coming down from a slight high.  I was in a ridiculously giddy, excited mood most of the past week.  I kept thinking it was for the VP debate and that might have been part of it.  But seriously, no sane person would get as excited as I was about a debate.  I was just all around happy.

 

Right now, I’m feeling pretty low though.  I have friends coming in for homecoming this weekend and I’m pretty “eh, whatever” about it.  Earlier in the week I’d been psyched for it.  And a part of me misses Hunter.  That hasn’t really happened for a while.  Hockey season is starting up again.  A friend asked me if I wanted to go to a game this weekend.  I don’t want to.  Hunter and I went to games together.  I *loved* going with him. He was able to explain so much to me, and we laughed so much together, and that was back when he adored me.  I’m surprised I’m effected by this.  Like I said, this hasn’t happened lately.  Plus, when there’s a break-up I am very determined to “take back” things that were ours.  For instance, I make it a point to go to the restaurants we ate at – I feel like it helps the healing process along.  Perhaps since I wasn’t able to go to a game right away after we broke up is part of the reason I’m affected by it this way.  Maybe part of it is that he wasn’t in the mood for sex last night.  Seriously, not in the mood?  When is he (or any guy?) “not in the mood”?

 

Part of  my down mood may be that a year ago was when my other ex and I broke up.  Now, he and the girl he broke-up with me for have a house and by all appearances are living a great, happy life.  It just kind of stings a little.

 

Or, part of it might be that my sister is gone until Sunday.  I’m not used to being alone.  I don’t mind being alone – I actually need a fair amount of “me” time, but there’s less conversation and banter and such. 

 

Whatever the reason is, I’m ready for a high again.

A Whole Lotta Nothin’ October 2, 2008

I haven’t posted in a while because there hasn’t been a whole lot to post.  There have been a couple D/s-ish things here and there (very minor things) but honestly, I get tired of writing about small, rather surface stuff.  I miss writing about a D/s *relationship* – the emotional in addition to the physical aspects of D/s. But, such is life.

 

~*~*~

I spent a large part of this past Saturday with several of my co-workers.  One of them is getting married in November so in the morning was her shower and in the evening was a bachelorette party.  I had so much fun!  They are a totally crazy bunch – but not the extreme kind of crazy.  Considering we all had penis straws, of course the topic of sex came up.  They totally think I’m this sweet, innocent girl.  I would say little (vanilla) sexual things here and there and they just thought it was so funny!  Granted, I get giggly and shy when talking about sex with people I don’t know well so that would I’m sure give the impression that I am all innocent and such.  Little do they know.  It cracks me up. 

 

It was also a delightful day because I’m finally becoming *friends* with my co-workers.  I know I did a post when I first started my job about how I like my co-workers but I just didn’t feel like “one” of them.  That has totally changed.  It’s been so fun hanging out with them outside of work.  I’ve missed having a “group” of friends since college.  I do have a decent social network but most everyone is older and most of my friends are separate from each other.  It’s just nice to have a more wild crowd to hang out with once in a while too.

 

~*~*~

This weekend is homecoming.  In high school homecoming was all about the floats and homecoming court , the dance and other fesitivities for the *students.*  College is a whole different ball game – at least the college I went to.  We still have a court and all that crap but it’s so much more about *alumni* – the way it should be.  I have friends coming from out of town and staying with me this weekend.  I’m totally psyched!