Crushed July 30, 2008

So, Hunter doesn’t even remember our conversation the other night.  I knew he’d been drinking but I obviously didn’t know how much.  To say the least it was a major shot in the gut.  I knew there wasn’t any chance of a relationship but the thought of physically being with him, of even seeing him again, did make me very happy.  It wasn’t on my mind a lot today but it was some.  And, the conversation definitely gave me nice thoughts before I went to bed last night and the night before.  I enjoyed thinking about the things we could do together (well, more me do to him, hehe) again or for the first time.  But obviously now I have to again start keeping myself from thinking those thoughts so as to keep my sanity.

 

Edit: We did talk about it some more and he read my post about it.  After he read the post he did say he somewhat remembered it.  I asked him how much of what he said was bullshit and he said none.  Either way, bullshit or truth, I’m going to be a lot more cautious about conversations with him.

This wasn’t in my job description….Shit, it was! July 29, 2008

I had to give one of my kids the Heimlich maneuver today.  Even though the whole thing lasted less than 5 seconds, it shook me up pretty bad.  Not gonna lie, when the girl came up to me holding her throat, turning purple, and making a choking noise (don’t know how to describe the noise any better) I did freak out a little internally.  Since I’m I teacher I’ve of course been trained on how to give the Heimlich but I’ve never had to.  I wasn’t sure if I should have her bend over the back of a chair or if I should do the chest thrust things.  I was trained to do the chest thrusts but remembered that as a child they told us about the chair thing.  This internal debate lasted .5 seconds though and I pressed on her chest.  It didn’t take a whole lot of pressure though because she choked it up before I had my other arm all the way around her.  She didn’t throw up even though it sounded like she was going to.  We were both pretty shook up.  After it I just kind of held her while she let a few tears fall down her cheeks then had her drink some water.  When I told my boss about it I choked up a bit.  That is something I NEVER want to experience again.  At the same time, it is a small comfort knowing that I can handle the situation if the need should ever arise again.

 

~*~*~

I talked to Hunter online last night.  It was a good conversation.  The last time we’d talked it hadn’t really gone well.  I had told him that I couldn’t do the friends thing yet.  He didn’t seem to understand where I was coming from and was rather abrupt in his exit.  But, we seemed to patch things up a little last night.  Granted, he’d been drinking and my sleeping pills had kicked in.  A great combination. lol.

 

Again he told me that there’s nothing between him and Alicia.  I’m actually starting to believe him.  If there was, I think he would have told me by now.  Not to say that whole situation doesn’t bother me but it’s better I guess. 

 

One of the reasons I took it so hard with the reject on eharmony was because I felt like I’d been rejected by Hunter partially because of my appearance.  I thought he was with Alicia and she’s very good looking by society’s standards.  But last night I asked if he was still reading my blog.  He said he was and added, “Yeah, I was kinda sad when i read your one about eharmony just ’cause I knew they were passing up the same body that I loved to worship every inch of.”  Not gonna lie, that put a smile on my face.  I asked him if he missed me, if he missed us, if he missed who he was when he was with me.  And I stressed that I wanted the truth.  He said, “I do miss you, and most of all being yours.”  He continued with, “But I still don’t feel that I can give you all that you deserve nor am I ready for a relationship.”  That caught me way off guard – but in a good way.   He was being totally honest with both himself and me about how he was feeling and what his thoughts were.  That is a dramatic improvement compared to his communication skills during our break-up. 

 

We talked about getting together in the fall.  By getting together I mean fucking.  I know, bad idea.  It will just complicate things.  But damnit, I want him!  Neither of us have been with anyone else since we broke-up.  I feel like that’s really saying something – especially on his part because I’m pretty confident he’s had ample opportunities.   At one point I asked him if he thought he be happy in a vanilla relationship.  He said he used to but since me he’s not sure.  As I’ve mentioned before, the same is true for me. 

 

He absolutely loves how I taste.  And I love that he loves it.  He sent me a text after we got offline saying “When I close my eyes, I swear I can taste you.”  Yeah, I miss him

The Beholder Sucks July 27, 2008

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder…..

 

This is very embarrassing/humbling to talk about but I need to get it out.  As I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I’m on eharmony.  I can’t count the number of times the “process” (multiple choice questions, must haves/can’t stands/essay questions, then finally open communication) has been going well, until I give them access to my photos.  Then they close communication citing “other” as their reason.  I tried not to take it personally in the beginning but it’s really starting to get to me.    I’d like to think I’m not THAT ugly.  Yeah, I’m overweight but I wouldn’t say I’m excessively overweight – it’s not usually hard for me to find clothes that fit, I don’t have to have special clothes made or shop at specialty stores or anything like that. 

 

It makes me lose faith in the male gender as a whole.  I know that’s not fair because there are a lot of good guys out there but in my experience it’sbeen hard to find one that isn’t simple minded and shallow.  When I go out to a bar, the amount I get hit-on totally depends on the amount of cleavage I’m showing.  And I’m in no way exaggerating. 

I’ve talked to a few guys I didn’t think were all that attractive but I at least wanted to give them some semblance of a chance.  I feel like women are more likely to judge a person based on their personality rather than their looks.  That’s something I’ve thought about a lot in the past couple of years so it’s something I pay attention to quite often.  When I’m out and about, often times I’ll see an attractive woman with what society would consider an unattractive man.  How often do I see a hot guy with what society would consider an unattractive woman?  NEVER!  Okay, *maybe* once or twice, but close to never.

 

It’s on TV too.  How many TV shows can you think of that have an unattractive woman and attractive man paired up?  Seriously, I want to know.  How many TV shows can you think of that have a hot woman with an unattractive man?  Let’s see…According to Jim, The Simpsons, Family Guy, King of Queens, Two and a Half Men (I don’t think the guys on it are all that unattractive but they sure as hell don’t date ugly women), 8 Simple Rules, Becker, George Lopez, Grounded for Life, Married with Children, just to name a few.  I’m not saying all the leading men in those shows are unattractive per-say, but they also aren’t in the same league as their significant other. 

 

One thing brings me comfort though – the double standard doesn’t seem to be as apparent in the lifestyle.  Rarely have I met a D/s guy (dominant or submissive) who immediately stopped talking to me when he found out what I looked like – and a lot of them saw way more of me than the guys on eharmony do. lol.  I guess one could argue that guys in the D/s world just wanna get laid more or are more horny or something along those lines.  But I really don’t think that’s it.  I think in general men in the lifestyle know what really matters – they see beyond the surface stuff.  Or perhaps they think they have to lower their expectations (like the SNL skit) to find someone.  [Side note: Perhaps that’swhy more attractive women are with unattractive men – they crave a relationship more than men do so they’re willing to lower their expectations in the appearance department.  I can’t say that that’s a totally bad thing though)  I really don’t know.  I do know that I’ve seen multiple D/s couples online that I thought the man was more attractive than the woman though.  Hunter and I were an example of that.  He was HOT by society’s standards and I am obviously not.  But, it didn’t last so I don’t know if it can really be used as an example or not.

 

Okay, I’m done blabbing about that for now. 

First Love July 26, 2008

There’s something about ones first love.  It just sticks with you no matter where you go.  I consider my first love to be a guy I dated in high school.  We were on again and off again (and even when we were off again, we usually were unofficially together) for all four years of my high school hell.  We had a falling out in April of my senior year (he was a year younger) and didn’t talk again for 4 years.  He didn’t come to my graduation reception (his family did though) and I wasn’t invited to his the next year.  To this day it still hurts that he wasn’t at mine. 

 

We chatted at a wedding a couple years ago and patched things up somewhat.  I wouldn’t say we’re friends but if we see each other, we do chat a little.  But, like I said, he still haunts me.  I always ask my best friend about him, who was in his graduating class and sorta in his social circle.  And, I’m really bothered by who he’s dating right now (she claimed to be pregnant and have an abortion once but was never pregnant, then another time claimed to be pregnant but conveniently had a miscarriage before he was able to go to a doctors appt. with her. yeah – fucked up!)  Why the hell do I care who he’s dating?!  It’s not that I want to get back together with him by any means.  He was relatively immature in some ways for his age in high school and by all appearances, has actually taken a couple steps backwards as the years have passed. 

 

I have a feeling it will be much the same with Hunter.  He was my first D/s love.

 

Last weekend my sister spent the day with her ex-girlfriend.  They dated for only a few months, a few years ago.  It was extremely difficult for my sister to get over this woman – it was her first lesbian relationship and thus the first time she’d *really* cared about someone.  I had warned my sister against going to see her.  I told her that no matter how much she thinks she’s over the woman, feelings will still come back to her.  Sure enough, last night she confessed that it did stir up some feelings.  I refrained from saying “I told you so!” of course, but for two hours had to listen to her talk about her flipping feelings and try to encourage her that it will pass.  I tried to reiterate that a friendship just isn’t possible with this woman – it’s best if she puts it all behind her.  I’m sure she won’t listen to my advice and in a few months, or a year, or whatever, we’ll have the same conversation all over again.

 

But, I can’t really judge her.  I’m sure I’d do the same thing.

 

Lisa told me a couple weeks ago that her ex-husband had left her a message.  Let me tell ya – this guy is a real piece of work.  They’ve been divorced for 3ish years now and in that time tried to reconcile once (she found out he was majorly cheating on her) and since then have had minimal contact.  She recognizes that he’s a total bum, but his call the other day still shook her a little bit.  Granted, those feelings didn’t really mean anything – she didn’t even call him back but it made her stop and say ‘WTF?’

 

What is it about ones first love?  Just one of those mysteries of life I guess.

Hugs & Happiness July 22, 2008

I’ve written a lot of posts about being bummed/depressed/whatever the case may be.  This time, I’m writing because I’M HAPPY!!!

 

Today I went to my least favorite store in the world because it is the cheapest place to get stuff and I don’t make much money but have to buy most of the supplies for my classroom.  I was annoyed by something before I even walked through the door.  The annoyance only grew as I walked through the store – just being in the building pissed me off, there are a ton of people there and people are dumb, and I couldn’t find a few things.  But you know what?  Driving home, I was still in a good mood.  This has never happened to me before.  Usually when *everything* seems to be annoying me it means I’m in a totally shitty and most likely depressed mood.  Today was the opposite – easily annoyed yet happy as hell.  I love it!

 

~*~*~

I love hugs.  I think hugs are the greatest thing ever.  I’m very lucky to have a family that isn’t afraid to be affectionate.  I haven’t always been so keen on hugs.  In my pre-teen/teen years I was *extremely* anti-hugs.  That’s normal to a certain degree but it was really extreme for me.  But, thankfully I grew out of that!

 

A friend once told me that for optimum mental health, a person should get 9 hugs a day.  I don’t know how accurate that theory is but one can’t deny that hugs usually “help” a person.  Hugs are one thing I really miss about having a boyfriend.  I *loved* when Hunter hugged me.  Despite the fact that I’m dominant, I still enjoy the feeling I get when I’m hugged by a guy I care about – so protected and safe.  I really, really miss that.

 

My group of friends isn’t extremely affectionate.  For the most part, my college friends and I only hugged at the beginning and end of school years.  Our senior year we hugged a little more – we had grown extremely close and we knew the end was near.  I always craved more though.  Sometimes I’d be in a totally great mood and just want to hug someone!  But I would refrain because they just weren’t huggy people. 

 

The night I met Lisa I felt like I wanted to hug her before we left.  How weird is that?  We’d just freaking met! But right off the bat I’d felt a connection to her and we’d discussed a lot of deep stuff despite the fact we’d just met.  Of course I didn’t hug her though – any sane person would have slapped someone who tried to hug them the first time they met (except in romantic settings or special circumstances of course).  A part of me still wants to hug her when I see her or when we say goodbye.  It’s odd because I’ve never had a friend I’ve felt like that with before.  I was thinking and the best way I can describe her is a “sister-heart.”  It’s pretty sweet.

Socially awkward July 20, 2008

I met Lisa’s fiance/dom (she uses the term “Daddy” most frequently) last night – I’ll call him Landon.  It went well.  Actually, I’d say it didn’t go badly. It was nothing too exciting really.  This is only the second time I’ve spent time with a D/s couple.  The first time was with a couple that was pretty lax about it and I was dating them so it was a lot different.

 

I kind of feel like I acted like an idiot last night.  When I’m nervous I get quiet but do this smile/giggle thing.  I hate it.  I did it a lot last night.  I don’t know why I was *so* nervous.  It was just weird because I know their “secret” and I’m not sure if they’ve ever really spent time with anyone else who knows.  Plus, Landon’s good friend was there, whom Lisa had wanted me to meet.  But, he brought his mom so that was a little awkward.  When all five of us were hanging out I was totally quiet.  I said next to nothing.  I am so bad at making conversation.  But when just Lisa and I were hanging out talking I was my normal chatty self.  I thought I was getting past my social anxiety a little – obviously not!! Grrrr.

 

I’d seen a picture of Landon before and he kind of looked like a softie teddy bear type person.  And that is true to a certain degree – he is a gentile, thoughtful person.  But since I knew he was dominant in their relationship, I felt that more than the softie part when we met.  He wasn’t harsh or anything like that – quite the opposite actually. It was a totally normal vanilla metting. But I knew that other side was there.  Looking back, I think I was a little intimidated by him.  Even though his dominance has absolutely nothing to do with me, I was worried about messing up somehow, which is just stupid.  I was not able to look at him as just a person – it was always as a dominant.  That is extremely puzzling to me.  I wonder how I would react if I were to go to a munch and interacted on a vanilla level with other doms there. 

 

Sometimes I really just don’t get me. LOL.

Oldies July 19, 2008

Texts from Hunter….

wanna know a secret?  i love u and miss u tons already

u do such a good job of making me happy baby

omg i want u so bad baby i can’t get u out of my head

you should get that fine ass back to ur computer. please

night baby i’m home and going to bed to dream about you. love ya lots

i must admit i’m drunk and could use some quality time in chessa

guess what somebody loves you!  yep thats right its me baby

love u

hope u have a good day at work and sorry for being rude earlier u dont deserve that and i love u and miss u tons

im home love u babe

night sexy momma sleep well i miss you

(after being told to text me about what he thought about while wacking it…after we’d been broken up about 2 weeks) surprisingly not even thinking about being beat by u or how sweet u taste couldnt get my mind off watching ur ass (im pretty sure i could just worship ur ass) but thinking about u doggy is what finally did it.

The rest are after we’d been broken up a couple weeks…

i would love nothing more than to be at ur feet right now

i know my place babe and i like it

 

I know, it’s silly that I still have them – most are months old.  I’d forgotten about them but had to clean out my text mailboxes so I re-read the ones I’d saved.  There were a lot more from him of course, these were just some I’d saved for some reason – some of my favorites I guess you could say.  Of course taking this walk down memory lane does make me miss him but such is life.

Sadly, I have to admit that part of me feels the need to post them because I feel like he never cared about me, that when people hear the story of him and I they think I was totally foolish and blind for seeing that he didn’t really care about me.  Even though these kinds of feelings are easy enough to  lie about, I know he meant it when he said he loved me.  He just loved me in his own way, which just wasn’t enough.

Life’s funny like that July 18, 2008

I have this new friend, Lisa, that I’ve written about here before.  She is so awesome.  We totally click.  In a nutshell, she’s the person I *want* (but don’t have the drive) to be.  We were totally meant to meet and become friends at this point in time.  I’m convinced.

 

Her first message on Fetlife arrived about the time things were falling apart (for good) with Hunter.  I needed someone then, someone I could talk to that knew the whole story.  I know I talked a fair amount about Hunter and I the first time we met – the wounds were still very fresh at that point, but I haven’t a whole lot since then.  We have so much in common that is not related to D/s that we haven’t gotten into too much detail about that aspect of our lives (we definitely talk about it, just not as at length as a lot of other topics).  Being able to really talk it all out the first time we met with someone who understood helped immensely.  Yeah, I’d gone over the whole thing with my therapist but she didn’t really “get” me.  Lisa did – even though she’s submissive.  Plus, just knowing someone who knew the whole story was available to talk made a *huge* difference. 

 

I’ve also been going through an adjustment time socially.  In college I had the most amazing group of friends.  I was lucky enough to live with good friends all four years and the ones I didn’t live with, lived close.  Then we all graduated.  Of my closest friends, only one stayed in the state (and luckily, in town).  All of a sudden I went from having social network around me 24/7 to having one friend in town.  It was an adjustment.  Not to imply I don’t have other friends – I do.  There are a few former co-workers I have stayed close with but they’re all older.  Seeing them every other week-ish just wasn’t the same as hanging out with friends all the time.  A few weeks before Lisa contacted me, I found out my last good college friend in town was moving to another state.  I was totally bummed.  I was especially bummed because she knew about my sexual lifestyle choices (though she didn’t totally get them, she didn’t judge me either), and we had a TON in common in regards to politics and where religion was concerned, she was/is the only one in my life who gets my beliefs.  Even though we’d still be able to talk and keep in touch, it wouldn’t be the same as having her here to talk to.

 

Enter Lisa.  The more we chat, the more we find we have in common.  Politics and religion can be iffy issues to discuss so naturally they didn’t come up right away but slowly they have and much like my college friend, she gets where I’m coming from with so many issues.  More than once I’ve shared with her things I’m not proud of thinking/feeling/doing and she hasn’t judged me at all.  Last night there was one instance where I confessed something and her reaction was something along the lines of, “Me too!”  Hehe.

 

She obviously entered my life at a good time for me.  And the same could probably be said for the timing in her life too.  Her fiance recently changed shifts so she went from spending every evening with him to basically only seeing him on the weekends.  It was a difficult adjustment for her and I think she has appreciated having someone to fill her evenings every now and then.  Yesterday she texted me, wanting someone to talk to about her ex-husbands recent appearance in her life once again.  I’m glad I had the evening free and was able to stop by for a chat.  It seemed like her spirits were lifted by the time I left.  I hope that was the case at least.

 

Sometimes life has a funny way of just working out.  It’s things like this  – perfect timing and perfect people – that make life so great.

Chopped Liver July 16, 2008

That’s what the kids called me yesterday while we were mini-golfing.  Ironically enough, it was a term of endearment. 

 

~*~*~

 

“What do you do when you realize all your dreams have come true?” -Coyote Ugly

 

That’s how I was feeling last night when I got home from work.  I had an awesome time mini-golfing with my kids and a kick-ass meeting with the other preschool teachers and our bosses after work.  I found out I’m going to be salary in the fall!  That may not sound like a big deal but it made me feel really “grown-up”. LOL.  I’ll have a 9 month contract and during the summer months (when it’s more of a daycare setting), go back to hourly.   And, we get a NICE bonus at the end of the school year.  Also, because of new state requirements I need to take some more college classes.  I was planning on starting grad school next year but will start school of some sort this fall I guess.  I’m really excited to be a student again – as cheesy as it sounds, I love learning!!

 

Plus, last night I was planning a scavenger hunt for my kids for today (they loved it!) and doing almost anything school related makes me happy.  AND, I had the most delightful dinner with my friend Lisa.  She’s one of those people that just always has thus peaceful aura about her.  How can one not be happy spending time with someone like that?

 

So, yeah. I was in a super great mood last night.

 

Tonight, I almost got choked up when my sister told me I had to turn down the thermostat 1 degree.  I think part of the reaction was because I felt like I’d gotten in trouble for turning it *all* the way down to 80 degrees (seriously, what’s the point of even having central air?)  I’m planning to go to the Y tomorrow morning so I’m hoping that helps me rebound a bit.

Awkward July 14, 2008

I try to be mature, I really do.  But, showering at the gym took me a while to get used to.  I’ve never been in a room full of naked women.  In junior high we didn’t sweat enough to shower after p.e. (though looking back, we probably should have!), I only played softball in high school where showering after a game wasn’t an option, and in college there were private shower stalls. 

 

Most of the naked ladies in the locker room at my gym are old.  They’ve lived enough to know it doesn’t really matter.  I have yet to see anyone my age walking around naked.  The younger crowd is still self-conscious (or so it seems) and either avoids the locker room altogether or spends as little time in it as possible.  So, maybe I’m not that weird for feeling awkward.

 

The awkwardness has started to fade though.  I don’t think about the fact that I’m naked and other people can see me.  I’m able to mentally block that I guess.  And the naked old ladies with boobs down to the floor who haven’t shaved their cootches in a few decades (it’s impossible NOT to see a bush like that!) don’t bother me much anymore either.  I just don’t notice their nakedness.

 

Except for one woman.  Every damn morning there is one woman in the locker room who is showering and getting ready at the exact same time I am.  It’s not her nakedness that bothers me – it’s her presence in general.  See, she was my college professor, then a couple years later I went to her for a therapy session or two.  I know quite a lot about her sex life with her husband – she taught a marriage class that my roommate and her boyfriend attended and after every class they’d come back with some sex-related story she’d tell that we would then giggle over.  AND, her husband is my sisters therapist (I may live in a “city” but it is freakishly small town-like).  During their sessions he has discussed their marriage – never sex but just their marriage in general.  Plus, we both know who the other is. I don’t know if she recognized me the first time but she’s definitely recognized me since.  But, we haven’t really acknowledged each other.  Delaying it has just seemed to make it more awkward. 

 

~*~*~

Speaking of naked old ladies, there was one at the pool today.  No, she wasn’t out swimming laps in the nude, she was in the locker room area.  I had a group of third grade girls with me and they just stared at her!  I had to basically yell at them multiple times to get their attention diverted.  I was so embarrassed. 

 

~*~*~

I am in charge of the 3rd graders at my daycare.  I’ve talked about my theory about when kids go bad before.  I’ve had the damnedest time getting them to help me with anything!  I can ask the class ten times if someone can wipe the tables after lunch for me and no one will say a word.  If I ask them directly, they’ll do what I ask but they sure as hell won’t volunteer for anything.  For a while I was giving them a few skittles – not every time they helped – just every now and then.  But, I’m not one for promoting candy and such.  So today I started a sticker reward system.  They can earn a sticker a day by helping me and being respectful to me and (almost more importantly) to each other.  When they They were like angels today!  There was mud on the floor and they cleaned it up without me saying a word, and there were many other instances.  It was just wonderful.

 

~*~*~

I feel old.  I always thought 23 was pretty young.  But I found out today that pretty much everyone I work with is younger than me.  Some of them aren’t younger by much, but younger nonetheless.  Three of ‘em have kids (all under the age of 2) and those three are getting married within the next two years.  The other two are living with their significant others and engagement is just around the corner.  I feel like such an old loser!