When girls go bad June 30, 2008

Women are often caddy individuals.  I was talking to a paraprofessional in a 2nd grade classroom and we concluded that it’s at the end of 2nd grade that the caddiness really begins.  Yes, there are exceptions to every rule but in general, we had noticed and increase in negative attitudes by girls at that age. 

 

For the rest of the summer I’m working with girls who are going into 3rd grade.  Yay me! 

 

There was so much snipping at each other and bossiness today that I about went crazy!  I’d take obnoxious 4 year olds over girls like that any day!  And, there’s two sets of twins in my “class”.  One set seems pretty normal while the other is attached at the hip.  They *have* to be in the same group whenever we go on field trips (which is pretty much every day!)  The two pairs are quick to defend their twin which just creates more friction when a snide comment is said to one of them.  The concept of just letting things go is completely foreign to them.  Several times when there were snide comments I tried to tactically point out how they could address the situation more positively. 

 

While I did want to slap their sassy little faces at moments, I’m beginning to look forward to the challenge.  There are a ton of activities we can do as a class that will help them to be more cooperative and work on their communication skills.  But, that being said, it has helped me realize that I do really want to teach the younger ones (PreK-2nd).  It’s ironic because before I started teaching last fall, I only wanted to 3rd grade or higher. And, before I started on the elementary track I heavily debated doing secondary education.  I freaked out last fall when I found out I was going to student teach in a Kindergarten.  Looks like that was a huge blessing though!

 

~*~*~

I got my lazy butt outta bed this morning at 5 freaking 30 a.m.  I went ot the Y and was at work by 7:30.  I’m not a morning person so it was something of a miracle.  It felt so damn good!  I wasn’t tired at all at work – I think I actually had more energy.  And, I’m not unusually tired tonight either (though I do plan on going to bed around 9!)  If I can get into a routine of exercising in the mornings, it’ll do wonders for my health and self-esteem.  But, I have a history of not sticking with stuff so who knows.  Once was better than never though, right?  That’s what I’m telling myself at least.

Evil (yet yummy!) ideas! June 29, 2008

A sub I was chatting with referred me to the page: http://www.ecstagony.com/eng/spanking.htm.  OMG!  It’s not the best site I’ve come upon but reading some of the stuff definitely got me going!  Reading about some of the “punishments” was so hot.  It made me want a sub again SO badly! But, most of the things I read about I’d do because I can be a sadistic bitch, not necessarily for punishments.  D/s would be so much fun if I actually lived with my sub though.  Hunter was supposed to take cold showers but I was never around to enjoy his misery. 

 

Most of the things I read about on the website were nothing new.  It was still neat to read it though because there are so many options out there – it’s so easy to forget about things!  Here are some of the things I think would be hot to do with a sub:

 

-Tying big toes a few inches apart (making walking difficult)

-Sitting or kneeling on the bottom of a plastic office mat (you know, the pokey ones)

-Walking with corn or dry beans in bottom of shoes

-Standing, facing wall, holding something to the wall with their nose

-Writing (sentences, essays, whatever)

-Cold shower/bath

-Forbid sub from speaking for designated period of time

-Eating restrictions (skipping a meal, having bread and water for a day, eating ucky food like over-cooked rice, or pureed thing)

-Bathroom restrictions (can only go at certain times, require extensive amount of begging in order to use the restroom)

 

There were more but I can’t think of them off the top of my head.  They’re nothing exciting but get me in the mood to dominate nonetheless.

On-line dating June 28, 2008

I HATE dating – which I’m sure a fair amount of you know considering I’ve bitched about it enough on here in the past!

 

But, today I signed up for eharmony.  I’ve been on there before but had decided not to try it again because of the vanilla aspect.  I figured there was no point in pursuing a vanilla relationship because I know that won’t make me happy.  But after talking with Lisa about her situation and hearing another story or two about individuals who started as vanilla and grew into D/s I thought maybe I shouldn’t rule it out. 

 

So, we’ll see what comes from that.  I think a key in having a vanilla partner be receptive to D/s is to not bring it up too early – establish that foundation, those deep feelings, trust, and a certain level of comfort.  That takes months and I’m not really great at being patient.  Plus, I don’t know if I can successfully fake enjoying purely vanilla sex for months on end! 

The truth June 27, 2008

I found out last night that Hunter is going on vacation with Alicia and her family.  And, she’s going on his family vacation.  Nothing going on between them my fucking ass!  I called him out on it last night and he still swears there is nothing – that he doesn’t want anything with anybody right now.  He technically has no reason to lie, especially because I’ve already messed around with someone but he’s Hunter so who the hell knows.

 

I hope to god this is finally the last straw for me.  But knowing me and my weak ass it probably won’t be.

All or Nothing June 26, 2008

That is the ultimatum I gave Hunter last night.  I immed him out of the blue last night.  The conversation went a little like this:

Me: My feet hurt.  can u cum rub ‘em? hehe

Him: I would love nothing more than to be at ur feet right now

Me:  Mmmm.  Sounds like heaven to me.  That us where ur meant to be, you know.

Him:  I know my place babe and I like it.

Me:  Then why do you resist it so much?

Him: Good question. 

Me: Whenever we talk you can talk forever about sexual stuff but as soon as the conversation turns serious you clam up.  You need to open up.  Spill it all.

Him: pretty much only one of my 2 heads can think guess which one.

Me: I hate you sometimes.  And I hate that i still love you all the time.  i won’t take much more.  it’s either all or nothing.

 

The conversation ended there.  He didn’t reply back.  Big surprise.  I don’t want to lose him completely but this game we’re playing is getting mighty old.  There are times that I fool myself into thinking I can do this – this sudo-together thing, at least until the fall.  But then I remember that that means I’m just going to be sitting around for two months waiting for a guy that I *hope* will come around.  That’s not really my style. 

 

It’s amazing the difference that one word can make.  I first thought about telling Hunter that I *can’t* (emotionally) take much more.  But, you know, I probably could take more.  So, I used the word I *won’t*.  Just that one little word made me feel so much more empowered in the situation.  I know that probably sounds silly.  

 

 If he does choose the nothing route there will have to be absolutely nothing.  He and I have proven we are incapable of being just friends.  The conversations will always lead to more than just talking about general things and we’ll end up exactly where we are right now.  That will suck.  And I’m sure in a moment of weakness here and there I will text him.  I can only hope that I regain my footing quick enough to stop it before the conversation goes too far and I end up here again. 

 

My date Monday night has helped me gain some backbone with Hunter I think.  Even if things don’t work out with the guy, I had another D/s date.  I found another guy who is “normal,” my age, relatively close in locale and submissive.  They are out there!  I knew that before my date but it was hard to fathom finding another guy (the fear of which motivated me to put up with more from Hunter than I should have).  Now I know that is possible – I’ve seen it! 

 

~*~*~

I’ve posted before about my approach to pregnancy within a relationship.  Well, last month I didn’t text Hunter when I wasn’t pregnant.  Did he even notice?  Nope!  I guess I didn’t really expect him too and I know most guys wouldn’t have noticed either.  I guess my little plan takes months and months and months of conditioning to become effective.

 

The thing was though, I took a pregnancy test last month.  My period was next to nonexistant and I was afraid it was spotting and not actually my period.  I faced that doubt and anxiety alone though because I knew he wouldn’t understand – he’d probably tell me there was nothing to worry about and blah, blah, blah.  I knew that deep down but I also wanted the test to really put my mind at ease.  I feel like guys in general just don’t get why we sometimes worry about that.  So many of them think we’re overreacting and such.  But, they aren’t the ones who are going to carry the thing for 9 months and have to give up their social life to raise it.  It’s just so damn unfair! 

 

Okay, rant about the injustices of being a woman is now over.

Two new friends June 25, 2008

I had a date-ish type thing last night.  I *though* it went well but I haven’t heard from him since so I can’t really say for sure. 

 

I met the guy at Coldstone.  We had ice cream then headed back to my place.  When we got to my place we watched Top Gun and chatted.  We *really* clicked on a vanilla level.  At one point I turned to him and said, “So, you gonna kiss me or what?”  I’m forward like that with guys.  Even as a domme I’m not a big fan of making the first move so by saying that I’m technically making the first move but they actually have to make the first physical move.   We kissed a little but the mood was abruptly killed when he started kissing my neck.  See, I work with kids and that day we’d gone to the pool.  The pool requires putting sunscreen on.  Sunscreen does not taste yummy.  After we got done laughing our asses off we went back to watching the movie.  When the movie was over we watched a little TV (an hours worth actually) until I finally said something AGAIN about him making a move.  We made out a little more and then I had him take off his pants.  I caused him a lil pain, teased him A LOT and we made out a little more and he went down on me.  I had told him previously that he could cum that night so I had him masturbate until he came.  Then he left.

 

I understand why he had to leave so abruptly – it was 11, he had an hour drive home and had to be up for work at 3:30 a.m. the next morning.  I hadn’t realized that he had to get up so early until that point.  Even though it makes complete sense that he would leave then, it still made me wonder about his interest in me (I know, I worry too damn much!)  And, he was supposed to text me when he got home so I knew he’d made it safely.  He didn’t and I didn’t hear from him at all today either. 

 

I’d be pretty disappointed if he isn’t interested.  Like I said, we totally hit it off on a vanilla level.  We have a lot in common but enough minor differences to keep things interesting.  We talked a lot about sports and politics and life in general.  Hunter and I rarely talked about things like that at length.  But, sexually Hunter is hard to beat.  I didn’t click sexually with this guy the way I do/did with Hunter.  I did get turned on but not like with Hunter.  I think that could improve if more feelings develop though.  But who knows if he even wants that to happen.

 

I called Hunter last night after my date left.  I told him I’d had a date and that I did like the guy.  He didn’t have a whole lot to say.  He just said he can’t ask me to wait around for him.  He had to go abruptly though because he had friends over but I stressed that I wanted to talk about it with him some more.  I know he has more thoughts on it than what he said I just wish he would tell me!  But, he’s never been good at expressing his thoughts/feelings so I don’t know why this time would be any different. 

 

~*~*~

A few weeks ago a girl (we’ll call her Lisa) from my area who is my age and a sub contacted me on the fetlife website.  I think I’d mentioned her previously.  Well, we met tonight for coffee.  We chatted for a little over two hours!  The time just flew!  I can’t even begin to put into words how great it is to actually hang out with someone who “gets” you – someone you can be pretty much totally open with.  I was totally comfortable with her right off the bat.  I talked a lot – too much probably!  But, I was totally myself and even shared a story or two that didn’t portray me in the best light.  It’s so refreshing to know right off the bat that someone is going to accept you for who you are.  Plus, it is cool to have a friend who’s actually in a 24/7 D/s relationship.  The only 24/7’s I’ve been exposed to are from blogs I’ve read which isn’t quite the same.  She and her fiance were vanilla for a year or so before she brought up her interest in D/s.  He wasn’t really a dominant person at all before she brought it up but he’s really embraced it.  How cool is that?  Perhaps I shouldn’t totally rule out vanilla relationships…

 

~*~*~

Also, I got a promotion of sorts at work today!  Right now I’m working in the two 4 year old rooms as kind of a floater.  But, next week one of the room leaders is going to have her baby so I’m taking over her room while she’s out on maternity leave!  I’ll have my “own” room again and they’ll be school-aged kids!  I’ll get to plan art lessons and go on super cool field trips (last week they went on a riverboat ride down the river!).  And, in the fall I’m officially going to be a pre-school teacher!  They’re re-doing their system and starting the team-teaching approach.  I’ll be team teaching with the woman who’s going to be on maternity leave (she’ll be back by then).  I’m SO relieved to have a set-in-stone job for the fall!  And, since I know I’m staying in the area, I think I’m going to apply for grad school in the fall.  YAY!

Sadistic Bitch Sweetheart June 22, 2008

That’s what Hunter calls me. Hehe

 

~*~*~

I went through a variety of feelings in relation to Hunter while I was on vacation.  That’s nothing new, right?  But, the feelings I had either way weren’t really extreme.  I do think that is a huge improvement for me.  I hope that it’s a sign that the change in my meds is working!

 

Towards the beginning of the week I found myself really missing Hunter.  It wasn’ a sad miss so much as that he was just on my mind – if that makes any sense.  Eventually it dawned on me that perhaps I wasn’t wishing *he* was there so much as wishing *someone* was there.  When I laid in bed at night I yearned for someone to be with me.  Everything was perfect this year (some years I don’t enjoy vacation ’cause I miss my friends or my family gets on my nerves or something along those lines) except that I found myself wanting someone to share it with me.  I had never experienced that while on vacation before.  In the past I actually felt like I didn’t want anyone else there with me.  My family really does get along well and I felt that any guy I brought would just mess up our dynamic.  I don’t know why this year was different.

 

For the first time ever, I had cell phone reception on vacation.  We are totally out in the boonies so in the past we’d have to drive into town to use our cells but they worked this year!  That actually probably wasn’t the best thing though ’cause it meant I could talked to Hunter.  We didn’t talk a whole lot but we did talk enough to get my hopes up a bit about us again.  One evening we talked on the phone a little and of course the conversation led to things of the sexual persuasion.  The conversation ended with him planning to get himself off after we got off the phone and texting me about what he thought about.  I didn’t get a text that night and I wasn’t particularly surprised by it, but I also wasn’t all that disappointed by it.   The old me would have cried I’m sure.  The new me just fell asleep.  Turns out he did text me though but they didn’t come through until the next morning.  He said he thought about my ass a lot.  He totally loves my ass and said he could just worship it.  What pushed him over the edge though was thinking about us doing it doggie.

 

At one point during the week he told me he had the next two weekends free so he was going to come see me.  I tried not to get my hopes up about it and I did a decent job of it actually.  He eventually said he found out he actually does have plans both weekends. I wasn’t all that surprised by that and I didn’t get too down about it either.  Yay me!

 

But, towards the end of the week he was on my mind a lot more.  This time it was actually *him* and not just someone.  I imagined the life we would have together – the house we would have, the socializing we would do, the vacations we’d take, hanging out in the evenings together after work, and the sex we’d have.  I know it wouldn’t be all moonlight and roses – I already know the major things we’d argue about (him drinking/hanging with the guys too much and spending money) but I also know the good times would heavily outweigh the bad times.  Those thoughts spurred a conversation with Hunter about us.  It’s fairly obvious he still cares about me – I definitely do it for him.  I just don’t understand why we aren’t together.  He has yet to really answer that.  He’s answered it a few times but I just don’t get where he’s coming from so my mind doesn’t actually retain his answers.  We did talk about the possibility of pursuing things again in the fall when he’s back in the area. 

 

We’ve talked a fair amount today too.  Half the time it doesn’t even feel like we’re broken-up.  We still talk as if we’re together – the pet names are still present and the sex talk is definitely present.  He has every intention of not being with anyone else this summer – of waiting until he can be with me again in the fall.  Hunter was kind of a man-whore before I came a long – for him to go a few months without sex is kind of a big deal.  I just don’t understand how he can want me so badly and not actually want to be with me.  I’m pretty okay with how things are between us now.  Every once in a while I get antsy about us not being officially together but those moments usually pass.  I don’t know that that will be the case come fall though.  I am determined to not let us become just fuck buddies.

 

I am again taking some control of his orgasms.  The other night when he texted me about what he thought about while he whacked it, he had told me he felt guilty when he came – it just didn’t feel right.  He reiterated that feeling to me today so we came up with a new plan.  He can masturbate (when we were officially together he was never allowed to cum or even masturbate when we weren’t together) but needs to text or call for permission first.  After he has cum, he has to text me and tell me what he thought about.  That new plan did seem to put his mind at ease.  It means the world to me that he basically came to me saying he needed more of me, more of my control & influence.  Speaking of orgasms….Hunter also confessed today that when he came the other night he brought it up with me *hoping* I would make him eat his cum.  He misses me/us so badly that he actually *wants* to do one of the things he disliked most and derived next to no pleasure from.  Yeah, he needs me

 

I mentioned to him today that it is a fantasy of mine to try some electro-play. Nothing intense – an electric fly swatter or cattle prod perhaps.  Then he tells me that he’s actually tried some of that out lately.  I was shocked!  Why was he trying that kind of stuff without me?!  He said he put the cat’s invisible fence collar on his wrist and walked through the invisible fence.  He said, “It hurts.  I got the point real quick.”  I laughed my ass off! He’s such a bright one but so freaking adorable at the same time!  And, definitely a masochist!

I’m back! June 21, 2008

I’ve been on vacation this past week.  I did not want to come home, that’s for sure!

 

While I was gone I did a lot of journaling – each night actually.  I just couldn’t think or write enough.  Now that I’m home I have no desire to type up a post.  All week I was writing things I wanted to post about and now that I’m home – nothing! Go figure!  I’m hoping to get something out later tonight or tomorrow though.  There is quite a lot rollin’ around in the little noggin’ of mine.

It’s not you, it’s me June 12, 2008

Yesterday Hunter was majorly on my mind.  Not knowing why he didn’t want to try to work things out – why I didn’t mean enough to him to work harder – was driving me crazy!  I *needed* to understand all of the why’s.  I immed him basically begging him to explain why he felt the way he did.   He said that there was nothing wrong with me, I was perfect and that I deserve better than what he can give me.  I just don’t get at all where he is coming from.  He insisted that he just couldn’t explain it – he didn’t understand it himself.  It was still driving me crazy though.  I asked him if I could call him after 9 p.m.  and he didn’t reply before I got offline (I’d been doing the mobile im thing with him and the communication had been sporadic up to that point).

 

But, 9 o’clock came and went and I had no desire to call him.  Okay, I may have had a flash of desire every now and then but it was easy to suppress.  All of a sudden knowing the why’s didn’t bother me so much.  It’s finally dawning on me that the problem really may not have been with me.  My therapist tried explaining that to me but I just couldn’t see it then, and I can’t say I totally see it now.  Maybe he is actually is the one who’s confused or just not ready or whatever.  Maybe it doesn’t really have a whole lot to do with me not being enough.  Most of today I’ve been good with the whole thing but like other days, there are moments here or there that hit me kind of hard.  With these emotions that change minute-to-minute, no wonder my doctor wondered if I’m bi-polar.  If only I was lucky enough to experience those kick-butt manic episodes!  (I know that’s a flip comment and before anyone jumps down my throat for not taking the illness serious enough, trust me – I know the tragedies of it). 

 

~*~*~

One of the times I really started missing Hunter today was when the song “Teardrops on my Guitar” by Taylor Swift was on the radio.  Granted, it’s about a guy who finds another girl but there were certain lines in it that hit home with me. Plus, with such a huge part of me wondering if he’ll hook up with Alicia or Sarah now, it still feels like it fits, even though it technically doesn’t.  Ironically enough, this is one of my more favorite songs at the moment and when my previous boyfriend and I broke-up (whom actually did dump me for another girl) listening to it didn’t phase me a bit.  Anyway, here are the lyrics, with the ones that really hit home in italics.

 

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won’t see
That I want and I’m needing everything that we should be
I’ll be she’s beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she’s got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it’s so damn funny
That I can’t even see anyone when he’s with me
He says he’s so in love, he’s finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he’s all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He’s the song in the car I keep singing, don’t know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can’t breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She’d better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she’s lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I’ll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who’s got enough for me to break my heart
He’s the song in the car I keep singing, don’t know why I do
He’s the time taken up, but there’s never enough
And he’s all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won’t see.

 

 

Midnight Text June 11, 2008

I got a text from Hunter around 12:30 last night.  It shocked the hell out of me!  There was a point when *not* getting a text from him would arouse me from sleep and prevent me from getting a decent nights sleep from then on.  The fact that it was such a surprise kind of came as a comfort – I’ve come a long way (okay, maybe not a long way but some way at least). 

 

He told me that even though we aren’t dating, when he’s drunk he still finds himself sitting to pee.  Not gonna lie, that put a smile on my face.  Even though it’s just an effect of a learned routine so technically it’s nothing significant, it is something to me.  To me it proves that he did follow (some of) the rules I gave him.   That while his submission isn’t a priority right now, it actually was at one point.  At one point he did care about me enough to submit even when I wasn’t around.  Technically I should have never doubted that – as I said in my last post, I’m just messed up like that.

 

To be honest though, it did give me a little hope – hope that he was realizing he was meant to submit to me, that he just needs to quit fighting it.  Sound familiar?  I talked about that stupid false hope and reading into things in my last post.  But, so far I’m dealing with it more positively than before.  I’m trying to take it for what it was – an observation, perhaps a compliment of sorts, and nothing more.  But, it is nice to know he still thinks of me from time to time

 

~*~*~

Today is an amazing hair day!  I’m sure any guys who read this are like WTF? but I’m sure most of the girls “get it.”  When I look in the mirror I just think, “Damn, I’m a cutie!”  That may sound arrogant but for someone with as low of a self-esteem as me, it’s actually quite an accomplishment.  Hehe.