My first faire!! May 31, 2008

I went to my first RRenaissance Faire today!  It’s the first year my city has ever had one though so it wasn’t anything too big.  It definitely makes me want to go to more in the future though. 

 

There was a totally hilarious gypsy guy who did little shows throughout the day.  The last part of his show was him sticking a whole deck of cards in his mouth, pulling the one an audience member picked out with his tongue, then folding it 3 times with his tongue.  When he was telling us what he was going to do I whispered to my friend, “Damn, I bet he’d be good!” and we had a little chuckle.  After he had completed his task successfully he said he knew what the women in the audience were thinking and yes, he is good.  Again, we had a little chuckle.  Then he added, “And parents, if your kids know what I mean by that, it’s not MY fault!”  I thought that was a really good point but I fear the message was probably lost on most of the parents there.

 

Quite a while ago I wanted to make or buy an ankle bracelet for Hunter that represented his submission to me.  I ended up making him one (granted it broke the next day, but it’s the thought that counts).  Before I decided to make one myself, I had looked online for a reasonably priced something or other that would be discreet but also hold some symbolism.  I wanted something with what I call the “bdsm yin-yang” or the Gaelic eternity triangle type thing.  Today there were a TON of Gaelic things there that would have worked wonderfully.  Go figure!!  Oh well, saved myself a few bucks I guess

 

~*~*~

I had an interesting chat with Paden today.  I’ve talked to him a couple times in the past few weeks – he all of a sudden reappeared just like he had disappeared all those months ago.  I had forgotten what it was like to “control” someone who actually *wanted* you to control them.  It’s intoxicating.  Looking back, I hadn’t felt that with Hunter in quite a while.  Yeah, I had gotten off on the pain but the pleasure I got from him submitting to me had been absent.  Paden actually *asked* for that control.  I made it very clear to him that he is not “mine” and we are not nor will ever be a couple but we still found ourselves having rather sexual, D/s conversations anyway. 

 

He got a new webcam and said it was much better so I had him turn it on so I could see how much better it is.  Wow, it’s a ton better!  I told him to have his cock showing on the cam at all times and that he could not touch it at all.  He gets like a giddy little school girl so easily!  Right away he was all nervous, self-conscious and *totally* turned on.  At the end of the conversation he asked if he could cum.  I reiterated that that wasn’t up to me, I didn’t own him, it’s his cock to do with as he pleases.  He said he knew that but wanted me to have the control anyway.  I let Paden rub his cock for 5 minutes then go about his day as usual. I look back and realize it isn’t since the first weeks of our relationship that Hunter had that eagerness to submit and hand over control. 

Saying goodbye May 30, 2008

It’s the little reminders around that are hard to part with.  The night I thought I broke up with him I deleted his photo off my phone.  That way if I called him (or by some miracle he called me) I at least wouldn’t have to see his face. 

 

The hardest thing for me to do is be in the basement.  That’s where my “living room” area is – and where we spent pretty much all of our time.  It’s where we had sex oodles of times.  It’s where we cuddled naked and watched movies for hours on end.  It’s where I first found my joy of clothespins and took his ass the first – and only – time.  The pillow I always laid my head on during sex is down there.  The blanket we always covered up with is down there.  The sex toys we always used are still hidden under the couch.  Worst of all, the mint lotion he used when he massaged my feet is still down there.  I can smell it whenever I sit on the couch. 

 

I continue to go down there though.  That’s where all of my sewing stuff is.  That’s “my” space.  I think it’s an important part of moving on to make that mine again – without a hint of him.  The odd thing is, after my last boyfriend, I had no trouble spending time down there.  He and I also spent the vast majority of our time together down there.  Perhaps the difference is we never had sex down there (or at all for that matter), or maybe it’s because my feelings for him weren’t as intense.  I don’t know.  Either way, I yearn for the day I can go downstairs, sit on the couch, watch a movie, work on my quilt and NOT yearn to have him there with me.

 

I think a big step for me will be taking care of the sex toys under the couch.  I can’t bring myself to do it quite yet.  Simply sorting the things out, putting the vanilla-ish things away and packing the other things up and storing them under my bed where they originated will be very hard.  It will mean that I have finally, completely accepted that I have no more use for them – at least in the near future.  I just can’t quite accept that yet. 

 

One thing that hurts particularly badly is the fact that there aren’t a whole lot of signs of him around.  We were only together for 3 months.  It’s not that he’s everywhere I turn – just here and there.  I feel so dumb for being this hurt over it, considering we were together for such a small time.  I can’t even imagine how someone who’s been together years or even been married can go through a break-up.  I think part of the reason this is extra hard on me is because of my depression. I’ve definitely noticed being extra emotional these past few weeks, even the past month.  In two weeks I see my psychiatrist so hopefully we can tweak my meds and I’ll be back to “me.”  The thing is, when I cry I just cry.  I’m thinking of him of course but my heart isn’t breaking.  Have you ever had that feeling – where it feels like your heart is literally breaking?  You can feel it in your chest and everything.  I have moments of that here and there but not as a whole.  I did have that broken-heart feeling when I broke up with my previous boyfriend – the one that didn’t make me sad when I went in the basement after we broke up.

 

I have a feeling the last thing I  will let go of is the page of his rules & punishments here on the blog.  I just can’t bring myself to delete those yet. 

 

Another thing I have to think about is where this blog is going.  It was intended to be a blog about me and my journey on the D/s path but it became more about Hunter and I as a couple.  I will probably continue writing from time to time but I’m sure it will be rather dull and vanilla-ish.

Funeral for hope May 30, 2008

I said in a past post that “hope dies last.”  Well, in relation to Hunter, it’s officially dead. 

 

Things have been so back-and-forth between us for so long.  I’m sure people who actually read this semi-regularly are thinking “It’s about damn time!”  In one post I was flying high and in the next I was talking about how much trouble Hunter and I were having. 

 

I feel like a total bitch for the timing though.  Hunter’s dad is back in the hospital.  Hunter bailed on plans we had made for last night but he hadn’t told me why yet.  Finally when I reached him today I told him I think we should break up.  He said fine, he couldn’t worry about it now because his dad was back in the hospital.  Then he told me to have a good summer and he hung up.  Part of me feels really bad about the timing – the last thing he needs right now is to deal with shit like this.  But another part of me thinks it doesn’t even phase him.  His inconsistent presence in my life the last month lead me to believe I didn’t mean a whole lot to him so this probably didn’t bother him all that much. 

 

I hope I can stick to this.  In the past I haven’t been able to really follow through with a break-up too well.  I usually go crawling back, expressing deep remorse within a week or two, if not sooner.  I think the fact that there has been such a distance between Hunter and I will help me get through this.  What’s been hard in the past is the change in routine – that person not watching Monday Night Football with me, or calling every day when he got off work.  There’s none of that with Hunter though – we had no routine, no consistency. 

 

I started therapy last week- not because of Hunter but just my depression in general.  But, Hunter was took up the whole session today (before I broke up with him).  My therapist asked me why I had issues with breaking up with people.  What’s the worst that could happen?  I wasn’t sure about how I would answer that about previous relationships but about Hunter, I was/am afraid that I won’t find another D/s relationship.  But that wouldn’t be the end of the world, ya know?  I’m sure if I deeply feel the need to dominate in the future, I could “play” with someone.  I don’t foresee a vanilla relationship satisfying me ever again (not that any of my previous ones really did).  Being single doesn’t bother me.  I’m going to adopt kids whether I get married or not so the dream of having a family will happen either way.  I just want to ask God (or whatever higher power there is) if I’m meant to be single or in a committed long-term relationship.  If I’m meant to be married or whatever  – great, I’ll keep looking for him.  But it’d be nice to know if I’m “meant” to be single so I can quit looking now and save myself the drama and heartbreak involved in break-ups. 

Hope is measured by the length of your nails May 27, 2008

A couple months ago I started growing out my finger nails, so I could hurt Hunter with them, hehe.  But, a few weeks ago I started biting them.  Last time Hunter and I were together I couldn’t cause him an ounce of pain with my nails because they were so short.  I think I started biting them because I was losing hope for Hunter and I.  I was full of doubt – if I wasn’t going to be able to hurt him with them, there was no point in not biting them. 

 

But, today I looked down at my nails and noticed that there was a day or two worth of growth on them (mine don’t grow extremely fast but I can tell when they haven’t been bitten for a while).  I decided to start taking care of them, trying to grow them out again.  As little as it is, I’m taking it as a sign that I have more hope for us.  Here’s hoping the hope isn’t for nothing.

 

It’s the little things that mean the most to me – especially when both little and big things are so few and far between.  Last night Hunter was headed to a party and he called, basically just to say “Hi!”  For a lot of couples, that may be the norm but for us, it’s special – especially given the recent developments between us.  He also texted me this morning when he (finally!) got home which is also an improvement – I honestly can’t remember the last time I heard from him two days in a row. 

 

~*~*~

I think I’m going to back off of the D/s aspect of things for a little while – at least loosen the reigns (not to imply I’ve actually had that much control lately because obviously I haven’t).  It’s obvious by his actions that Hunter either doesn’t want or isn’t ready to make a commitment to a more 24/7 D/s lifestyle.  I’ll still be the one “in charge” and will keep a few of our rules but am going to give him some more space.  It’s obviously what he’s been needing/wanting but didn’t know how or didn’t want to tell me.  I’m beginning to accept I’m not as high of a priority in his life as I originally thought I was.  And you know what?  That’s okay!  Even though we are in a D/s relationship, it is a young relationship.  It’s unreasonable to expect to become the #1 thing in someones life in a few weeks/months time.  He’s only 21 and he’s the typical college guy.  That’s just who he is.  I can’t change who he is nor would I want to (too much!) because I do love *him*.  When he’s ready to step it up, I’ll be here to tighten the reigns. 

Dreams May 26, 2008

I dream about Hunter…a lot. 

 

It’s rarely anything too in-depth, at least what I remember.  Last week I had two dreams in one night.  One came in the middle of the night – I dreamt that I’d finally texted me.  In my half-awake, yet very hopeful state, I rolled over and eagerly checked my phone.  Nope. Nothing.  Later that night, actually towards morning, I dreamt that he’d called me.  Again, in my half-awake, yet very hopeful state, I rolled over and eagerly checked my phone.  Nope. Nothing.  I had a dream early this morning that he’d called me.  This time I was smart enough to just put the pillow back over my head and go back to sleep.

end is near, er here May 23, 2008

[Note: Turns out he was out of cell reception when I sent the text and he thought it was a threat, not that I was actually breaking up with him.  We eventually worked it out...for a few days anyway.  After we "worked it out" I took this post down.  But, now that we're finished I'm putting it back up.]

I think Hunter and I are broken-up.  Like I said in my last post, I talked to him Thursday during the day but he didn’t answer in the afternoon when I called.  He didn’t answer his phone or call me back at all that night.   I cried from 8:30-10:30.  I made up my earlier in the evening that I was going to break up with him.  I wanted him to call me so badly so I could end it.  I felt like I finally had the strength to follow through.  But, he didn’t call.  So, about 10:30 I texted him saying “I think we should break-up.  Please call me so we can talk things through.”  I know texting is a totally shitty way and ideally it wouldn’t have been done that way.  But, like I said, it’s almost as if that was my only option at that point in time.  I had to do it.

 

I haven’t heard a word from him.  I’ve texted asking to please call me so we can talk about it.  I e-mailed him sort of explaining myself and asking if we could talk about it.  Nothing.  Granted, I’m sure not a lot of people would want to make that call but I would think most everyone would want closer.  Or, if I really cared about the person I’d want to fight to get them back.  But from Hunter? Nothing.

 

I think one of the harder parts of this is admitting to myself that while I’m just breaking up with him now, he actually left me a long time ago.  He hasn’t been truly present in my life for weeks.  Part of me wonders if maybe his actions these past few months have been in an effort to drive me away – so I had to be the one who broke it off, not him.  I’ve been known to do that a few times myself (never intentionally – it’s usually in hindsight that I realize what I was doing).  I wanted to believe his words – they were sweet and seemed so sincere.  But his actions said the exact opposite.  For weeks I’ve been unhappy but I just couldn’t give up hope.  Even now I wish it would work out.  We would have the most amazing life together.  But obviously that is not what he wants.

 

So now it’s back to the drawing board.  I will, of course, not jump into anything right away.  Being single doesn’t bother me – I’m okay alone.  Part of me doesn’t want to bother starting to look again.   I can’t fathom meeting another guy my age, who is relatively normal, and into D/s, and connects with me on a vanilla level.  And, the thought of vanilla sex makes me cringe so a vanilla relationship isn’t really an option.  

 

 If only I had been enough for him…

At my wits-end May 22, 2008

I haven’t written in a while because I hadn’t talked to Hunter for a while.  After he left on Saturday I didn’t talk to him until today.  I did get an e-mail from him yesterday though.  For almost 4 days I had absolutely no contact from him.  I was convinced it was over.  Yeah, he has cell problems from time to time but it’s never that bad.  Plus, he wasn’t online at all either.  Part of me was worried that he didn’t make it home safely since Sunday he was heading back to his parents house that day.  I checked all the news outlets I could between here and there, looking for information about an accident. When I saw nothing I assumed he’d moved on but just didn’t have the balls to actually tell me.

 

Yesterday I sent him an e-mail basically begging him to call/text/e-mail/anything to give me closure.  I’m the type that *needs* closure.  I can’t stand when relationships just end.  He e-mailed me back saying he forgot his phone back at his college house and it was being sent to him and his parents internet had been out so he had no way to reach me.  He said he could never be “done” with me.  That did make me feel better.

 

Today I called Hunter during my free period at school. He couldn’t talk because he was eating.  I know it’s nitpicky but if I hadn’t talked to the person I loved in 5 days, I’d delay eating my brat for a few minutes. Maybe that’s just me.  20 minutes later he hadn’t called and my prep period was close to ending so I gave him another call.  He said he’d forgotten about calling me!!  Seriously?!  How the hell could he forget me that quickly?  He was quick to say he didn’t forget me, just about calling me.  Quite frankly, that wasn’t all that much comfort.  We talked for a few minutes and he broke the news to me that he wasn’t coming up this weekend like he’d originally told me he was.  While I was disappointed, I wasn’t really surprised.  He’s going to move his sister home from college.  It’s a legit reason, but disappointing nonetheless.  He did say he’ll be coming up a week from now for a couple days to finish up something with the house he’s renting.  I’m not holding my breath for that one either.   We talked for a few minutes this afternoon and I told him I would call when I got off work at 4:30.  Did he answer?  NOPE! 

 

Personally, if I’d told someone I’d talk to them at a certain time and something came up, I’d let them know.  Especially if that person was my significant other whom I hadn’t talked to in days and whom I knew already was upset with me.  Perhaps I’m an exceptionally thoughtful person.  Perhaps I have too high expectations.  I’m tired of him “forgetting” EVERYTHING!  He said it hadn’t crossed his mind that I’d be worried when he hadn’t talked to me for almost 4 days.  I can’t grasp how that doesn’t dawn on someone.  I don’t know if he’s honestly that absent-minded or if he’s just that self-centered.  Either way, I can’t and I won’t take much more. 

 

The thing is, he knew he was on thin ice with me.  On Saturday we’d discussed it.  Then he goes and fucks up royally.  And, it doesn’t even seem to phase him when he disappoints me or upsets me.  I read other blogs about subs/slaves who are crushed when they let their dom down – that feeling is usually worse than any punishment their dom could dish out.  It doesn’t seem like Hunter feels an ounce of anything even remotely close to that.  At this point it’s not even the D/s component that gets me – I feel like the things I expect of him are common courtesies that anyone would expect even a vanilla relationship.  Can I really see myself with someone this “forgetful” (or self-centered, haven’t decided yet) forever?  He’d probably forget to pick our kids up from school on a regular basis!

 

I just don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to get through to him that things have to change, he has to change.  I think it’s really shitty and manipulative when people threaten leaving someone in order to get what they want but that’s the point I’m getting to.  I can’t take much more of this and it breaks my heart that that fact doesn’t motivate him to be better. 

Randomness is a lack of order, purpose, cause, or predictability in non-scientific parlance May 19, 2008

When I was teasing Hunter the other night – rubbing his cock over my clit and allowing him to let it rest between my legs but not enter my dripping pussy – I asked him what he would do to fuck me.  He thinks he stinks at thinking of stuff like that but I insisted he do it.  His first offer was to wear the thong he bought the next time I saw him.  But, I didn’t really like it so that didn’t work.  His second offer was to go buy another thong.  I didn’t think that was all too humiliating, I mean, he’s already done that for goodness sakes!  So, I added another component.  He has to ask someone who’s working in that department if they think the thong will look good on him.  He agreed and the fucking quickly commenced.

During our post-sex cuddle time he asked if I was serious about having to ask that.  I said I sure was.  He was quite surprised that I had been serious about it.  I can’t wait to hear about it after he does it!

 

~*~*~

At dinner the other night I was pleased when he ordered water and not alcohol (since he’s been choosing to spend his $$ on material things lately, I’ve had to pay when we go out – it used to be that we’d switch it up each time but lately only I have been paying).  He said he didn’t because he wasn’t allowed.  I had totally forgotten about the no-alcohol rule he was under.  I thought I had told him it was to the end of the year but I may have just thought that and not actually told him.  And, since he’d showed such disrespect for that rule previously, I kind of assumed he wouldn’t observe it the second time around.  I told him he can drink alcohol once again.

 

Then he asked how much longer he has to take cold showers.  Yep, I had totally forgotten about that punishment also!  I think part of the problem is that we don’t get a chance to talk too much about that kind of stuff when we’re apart.  We’ve hardly gotten to talk at all in the past few weeks so when we do it’s usually playing catch-up about all the vanilla things that have been happening in our lives.  I’m really looking forward to bring more focus to his daily submission now that he’ll have a more normal, consistent schedule.  Well, at least I’m hoping he’ll have more time for me this summer!

 

~*~*~

Doggie style is our favorite position.  He absolutely *loves* how my ass looks during doggie.  *blushes*  I’ve never been with anyone who appreciated it as much as him.  I love it!  Anyway, I HATE my boobs during doggie!  They’re all flopping all over and shit and totally remind me of a cows udders!  I realized that during sex the other night – kind of a mood killer. lol.  The thing with my boobs is that I rarely nip out.  Some women’s nipples are always out, some are out sometimes, some are huge, others are tiny.  Mine are nonexistent.  I take that back, mine might come out for a short time if I get extremely cold, or if they’ve had clothespins on them.  Other than that my boobs are smooth all over – like a little dough ball.  During sex the area around my nipples hang down just a little more than the rest of my boob, but my nipples stay tucked inside.  It’s so damn unattractive I think.  Seriously, who finds udders to be attractive (actually, don’t answer that). 

 

~*~*~

As I’ve commented before, Hunter is attractive and he knows it.  And, he’s not exactly humble about it.  I like confidence in a guy, but not so much arrogance.  I hurt him badly this past weekend.  I tried to deflate his ego a bit and I went about it the wrong way.  I told him that had we just met on a street I probably wouldn’t have looked twice at him.  I *know* he wouldn’t have looked twice at me.  I told him that he’s not *that* hot.  He is very attractive and there is not one thing I would change about him physically.  He’s above average in the hotness category but he’s not that drop-dead gorgeous, modelesque type.  But, there’s only a handful of guys out there who are actually like that.  I guess I’ve never been with anyone who was so blatantly honest about how he saw himself physically.  I’ve known guys who were hot and they knew it, but they weren’t arrogant about it – they were humble about it actually. 

 

I don’t know how to go about trying to get him to be more humble.  I don’t want him to think less of himself by any means – I love that he’s confident in his appearance.  But, I just don’t think arrogance is an attractive trait, and quite frankly it’s rather unbecoming of a submissive.  Then again, if this is the only thing I can’t figure out how to break him of, I’ll be doing pretty good.  I’d still be one happy girl.

Best laid plans sometimes fail May 17, 2008

Last night I spent quite a lot of time looking up ideas for a romantic picnic for Hunter and I for today.  I didn’t really find anything I hadn’t already thought of.  I guess picnics are just picnics.  But, it didn’t work out quite as planned.

 

I didn’t pack a dinner, just snacks because Hunter usually eats at the end of his shift.  He hadn’t had dinner though so we ended up going out to eat after our “picnic.”  I packed strawberries, non-alcoholic champagne (can’t have alcohol in city parks), whipped cream, grapes, cheese, crackers, and water.  Oh, and I had bought some dirt dessert but I ate that earlier in the day. lol.  First, the park we went to is huge and I haven’t been there too many times.  I knew where I wanted to go in the park but not how to get there.  So, we settled for a rather secluded area with a shitty view of the river.  Turns out all we needed to do was go up one more hill and we’d be to the spot where I had wanted to go, which had a killer view of the river.  The fake champagne was gross.  Hunter doesn’t like strawberries, whipped cream, cheese or crackers.  So, he had grapes.  Then, we got eaten alive by mosquitoes!  Total mood killer.  And, something at the park triggered his allergies so he was dealing with the watery eyes and stuffy nose most of the time.  Despite the fact it was totally not romantic and little went according to plan, I would still consider it a success.  We got a chance to talk about the past couple of weeks.  I got to say the things that have been weighing on my chest and stress to Hunter just how close he was to losing me.  Looking back, I guess it was kind of romantic – just sitting there on the blanket with our little picnic basket by us with a view of the river in the distance (sort of). 

 

We had the house to ourselves tonight.  It was rather nice.  I used the wooden spoon and my hand to spank him for a bit.  While he whines about the pain, he does enjoy the effects.  It makes me SO damn wet – he loves eating me out after I’ve spanked him.  I teased him quite a bit before I let him in me.  I haven’t done a lot of that thus far but I think I will a fair amount in the future – it was rather enjoyable.  The sex tonight was rather nice (then again, when isn’t it?)  I can tell I’m going to be sore tomorrow though.  I can’t wait until we start seeing each other more frequently so it doesn’t feel like I’m doing it for the first time every damn time. 

 

~*~*~

Hunter had some pretty exciting news about a possible second job for the summer.  He may get to do some free lance software creating/designing/developing (whatever the term is!) for the company he’s doing his internship with.   It will look really good on his resume and he’ll be able to work on it at home at his convenience which will make finding time for me easier (and it’s all about me, ya know! hehe)

 

~*~*~

A friend of mine is in town and I thought I was going to be able to introduce her to Hunter but she had to leave before he got to my place.  We joked that it might be for the best – last time I introduced her to my boyfriend, he broke up with me two days later.  Hunter said he wouldn’t do that, he’s only going to wait a day.  He’s such a smartass!  I love it.  I’m feeling a whole lot better about us.

Nothing to hear here May 13, 2008

I talked to Hunter today for a little bit.  I had been a little worried because he didn’t call last night.  But, turns out he lost his phone.  He does that far too much!  I’m really bummed about the upcoming week.  He works Wednesday-Thursday night, Saturday, and Sunday morning.  I’m a substitute teacher so for the most part I can pick when I work and when I don’t.  But, due to some unexpected illnesses at my favorite school, I’m working this whole damn week!  I get off work at 4:15 and he has to be to work at 5.  UGH!  And, it’s looking like he won’t be able to go to the graduation with me.  But, he has tried to find people to switch shifts with on Saturday.  While I am very appreciative of that effort, it would have meant hella more to me if he’d made some effort to get the day off ahead of time.

So, it’s looking like I may get to spend a few hours with him Saturday evening, then he moves 3 hours away.  Yippie.  I have no idea how much I’ll get to see him over the summer.  All I know is that if he doesn’t make every effort to see me whenever possible, he may return to college in the fall as a single boy.  I don’t want that though.  I hope all my worrying about the summer is for nothing.

He’s gone out to eat with Alicia at least twice in the past few days.  He had dinner with her last Friday and last night.  It’s not that I feel threatened by that – they were in a group of people.  And, I know it’s convenient – she lives down the block while I live a half hour away.  But I’m jealous!  *cue whiny voice* She gets to see him all the time and I hardly do. *cue tears* It’s just not fair!

I apologize – this has been pretty boring reading lately.  A whole lot of whining actually.  I’ll try to change that!