I’m not pregnant!! April 30, 2008

No, there wasn’t a scare or anything like that so no real worries

Last month I texted Hunter “I’m not pregnant” and he texted back “Was I supposed to be worried?”  What a typical response from a guy.  I have yet to date a guy who follows up with me a month after we have sex, to ensure I’m not pregnant.  When a guy screws a girl, does it even cross his mind that she could get pregnant?  That possibility is *always* on my mind.  I don’t obsess over it by any means, but it is always in the back of my mind. It seems like guys don’t give it a second thought.

Even if I was in a vanilla relationship I would tell the guy each month that I wasn’t pregnant.  If I have to think/worry about it, so does he damnit!  Plus, after doing it for a few months, if I were to stop I’m sure it would worry him – “She hasn’t told me she’s not pregnant for a while. OH SHIT!”

That brings up another topic – protection.  My policy is: I buy the pill, you buy the condoms.  I fork out the dough every month and take a pill every day to prevent me from getting pregnant.  It seems only fair that the guy takes care of the additional pregnancy & STD protection.  It’s not fair for the girl to be *completely* responsible for *everything*, is it (unless of course she’s a sub in a D/s relationship)? But, it seems like SO many guys these days expect the girl to provide the condoms.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve been going at it with a guy, then he asks “Do you have a condom?”  It’s the same every time. I stop, look at them with a dead serious look on my face and say, “Are you fucking kidding me?”  And then they get the pill/condom lecture

Okay, I’m done ranting about inequalities in vanilla relationships.

Wild thing, I think I love you April 27, 2008

A quick little update about my last post…

The pms faded a lot sooner than I thought it would.  I moped around until my sister got home and when she made dinner I went upstairs to get some and then was going to retreat back to my hole in the basement (that’s where my couch & tv and everything are).  But, she said she was going to join me.  I can’t be miserable with her around (she has the ability to cheer me up unlike anyone else) so I caved and just had dinner upstairs with her.  In no time I was back to being myself and spent much of the evening scrapbooking.  I knew it would fade and eventually everything would be fine again but that just doesn’t make help ease the pain at the time. 

Anyway…onto the good stuff!

Hunter and I had a delightful night together last night.  When I’m with him, everything with the world feels perfect.  I don’t worry about us, our future, or the other women in his life.  It’s just the two of us – simply savoring every moment together. 

There was a lot of pain for him last night.  Granted, I think I say that after almost every night we spend togehter.  There is defnitely a lot of pain in his future.  Anyway, last night the pain started with clothespins on his nipples.  That just can’t get old, I swear.  My favorite part was when he was sitting on the couch and I straddled him, all seductive-like and when I’d lean down to kiss him it’d smash his clamped nipples – the pain making it almost impossible for him to kiss me back. Pretty much the whole time I was tormenting his nipples, his cock was rock hard. Mmmmm…..

The first time we fucked last night we went at it for quite a while (well, by my standards anyway).  When I counted down from 10, Hunter wasn’t able to cum so I made him pull out.  While I do enjoy when he cums, I also enjoy the painful look he gets on his face when he has to pull out without cumming.  Every time he looks like he could cry.  I love it!  He did eventually get to cum – twice (I know, I spoil him, don’t I?  hehe).  The first time I made him eat it out of me.  He gagged a few times – I guess it tasted worse than normal.  I got quite a kick out of that.  Later as we lay naked together on the couch (gosh how I love those moments!), like a pouty little boy he asked, “Will I always have to eat my cum?”  I told him that no, he wouldn’t always have to – but usually. 

I think he kind of doubted me when I said that though.  But, I proved him wrong!  The second time he came last night, I didn’t make him eat it.  Why you ask?  Because I’m just nice like that.  Okay, maybe that wasn’t totally it.  You see, I’m an idiot.  Earlier in the evening I’d grabed a magic marker (it was the closest thing!) to write the list of punishments I have or will use (I know, I’m 23 and have to write shit like that down in order to remember it….I’m so screwed!)  Then, I thought I’d just write a little on his body.  I wrote “Man Whore” (which he definitely was before he met me) near his cock, my name on his cock, and various other scribble type things on his stomach.  Then I remembered the marker was a washable one.  So, as soon as our naked bodies were once again laying together on the couch I too was all blue.  After we fucked my name was rubbed off of his cock but the area around my pussy was blue.  Granted, I know they’re “non-toxic” but I didn’t want to intentionally have my boy ingest ink & dye.  Plus, I’m sure there would have been transfer from my pussy to his face…don’t know how I would have explained that one to my sister!

~*~*

Normally I don’t get to spank Hunter all that much because most of the time we spend together is spent with my sister in the house also.  But, last night she decided to vaccum while he was here!!  I went to town on his ass with my hand for a bit and then the vacuum stopped.  There was a huge sigh of relief from Hunter, which just made me smile to myself.  See, I knew she wasn’t done.  Sure enough, the vacuum started up again and I went back to town on his ass.  I also laid into his balls.  I rather like slapping his balls – it gets a far more dramatic reaction than when I spank his ass.  He’d pull away as far as he could then try to close his legs as much as possible.  When both of those things failed to prevent my hand from wailing on his balls, he’d move back and try to sit on me!  I got quite a chuckle out of it.  I’d instruct him to get off of me and in his totally adorable whinny voice he’d say, “But it hurts!”  Too cute and oh so hot!

~*~*

Hunter got a really great internship in his hometown for the summer – which is 3ish hours away.  I’m happy that he has such a wonderful opportunity but I’m not happy that he’ll be so far away for 3 months.  It worries me quite a lot.  I *need* time with him, and I know he needs time with me also.  We’ve been seeing each other about once a week the past few weeks – usually on Saturday or Sunday.  By the time Wednesday or Thursday roll around, I’m a mess.  It’s usually one of those days that I start having doubts about something or another and things like that.  How am I going to make it only seeing him every 2-3 weeks!? 

He asked me last night if it would be okay if he took a second job over the summer as a cook at the same restaurant where Sarah – his ex-domme – works.  I gave it some thought and eventually said yes, but he was *never* to be alone with her.  But, I’ve given it more thought and have changed my mind.  That’s a lot of time that they would be spending together – even if they’re in a group with their co-workers, it’s still time.  If I lived in the area and was able to see him frequently, it wouldn’t phase me a bit.  But considering we won’t be able to see each other very often, I don’t want him spending that much time with the only other domme he’s ever had.  Like I’ve said before, I’m not afraid of him physically cheating on me, but of him developing feelings for her once again.  I’ve had the argument with myself – if you don’t trust him enough with her then really what does that say about your relationship?  But, why create a situation for that to happen?  If someone is tempted by something, they take efforts to avoid that thing – they wouldn’t take a job where they’re with that thing every day.  I’m not saying he is actually tempted by her at the moment, but who’s to say that couldn’t develop after seeing her day after day after day?  Plus, if he wants to make a little extra money (which he claims is the reason he wants this job), then I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding another job in his area as a short-order cook.

~*~*

Tentatively, we’re planning that I will meet Hunter’s friends this coming Saturday.  They’re having a party at his place on Saturday night.  It should be rather interesting.  I wasn’t nervous before about meeting his friends but now that this thing with Alicia has come to light, I am a little more nervous about it.  I asked him how he thought she would react and he said he hadn’t thought about it (what a guy!)  He wasn’t sure if she’d do anything, though he did say she can be pretty unpredictable when she’s drunk.  He did think there may be some caddy comments from some of the other girls in the group.  Seriously?  Aren’t we supposed to be adults – have some level of maturity?  It feels like fucking high school all over again.

~*~*

I want to end on a positive note – things are really going well and I am genuinely happy.  We were watching “Wild Things” last night and when the cheesy 3-some scene was about to come on I told him to watch ’cause there would be some girl-on-girl action going on.  It didn’t even phase him – he said he wanted was me.  At another point during the movie they had a cool shot of a house and he said, “That’s what our house should have!”  He said OUR

 

PMS…gotta love being a woman April 24, 2008

Every female feels the effects of PMS differently.  Some feel no effects (lucky bitches!) while some get pissy and others eat like crazy.  Me, I get emotional – not in the pissy way, in the sad way.  Everything seems worse than it actually is.  While it’s happening I realize what I’m upset about is stupid but at the same time I can’t stop feeling what I’m feeling.  Sometimes I cry while other times I want to but just can’t.  Today is a crying day – big time.

My day was great.  I substitute taught with the class I student taught with.  I adore the kids and it was a fun day.  But at the end of the day we were running late and one of my kids almost missed the bus.  Yeah, that’s when I felt myself starting to get emotional.  STUPID!  Then I talked to a friend who had originally called me to see if I wanted to get together. But, between the time she called me and I was able to call her back, something came up.  That was another step closer to tears (things like that happen all the time – normally doesn’t phase me a bit).

Hunter was online when I got home and it helped to talk to him – at first.  He had been weighing on my mind.  His rule is to call or text when he gets off work or gets in for the night.  He didn’t text me until after 1 a.m.  That had me instantly worried.  Why hadn’t he called earlier like always?  Who had he been with? What had he been doing?  He assured me everything was fine – he was just feeling overwhelmed with school & work.  Then he immed me simply saying “I want you.” That cheered me right up – until he said “Guess what, guess what?”  I was all excited that maybe he was going to stay in the area this summer (as opposed to going to his hometown which is 3 hours away) or that he didn’t have to work tonight or something.  But no, he was super excited because his friend Alicia bought him a hat. 

Let me explain why it was a particularly large let down.  She’s in love with him.  He just found out a week ago and it came as a complete shock to him.  I couldn’t write about it until now because we were afraid she had found the blog, but we found out she didn’t.  We were afraid of that because she got on his computer while he was passed out and hacked into his accounts and all of that.  She e-mailed me, claiming that SHE was his girlfriend.  Yeah, that gave me warm fuzzies inside.  That was one of the major reasons he was a little distant at times this past weekend.  And with him wanting to spend more time with his friends this week, it just makes me worry.  He’s told me he only looks at her like a friend and that’s the way it has always been. But, that doesn’t mean things don’t change.  How do I compete with 3 years of history? How does he go from telling me that he wants me to telling me about this kick-ass gift she got him? It was like a shot to the gut. 

I had trust issues before I started seeing Hunter – I wrote about it extensively on here.  And it’s not that I don’t trust him.  I truly believe he wouldn’t do anything with another girl while he’s with me, but that doesn’t prevent feelings from changing.  That’s what happened with my ex-boyfriend – he didn’t physically cheat on me but definitely did on an emotional level.  I fear that if I become too worried about the situation with Alicia it will drive him away. But, I can’t *not* worry about it. 

Hunter is really worried about how her feelings for him are going to change their friendship.  He wants things to stay the same as much as possible.  At this point I couldn’t handle that though.  They used to cuddle, she’d sleep in his bed if he was out of town, she did his laundry, she’d change while he was in the room, they’ve met each others families for goodness sakes.  They were/are so close many of their friends would joke about how they should be a couple.  She’s still going to do his laundry – specifically his boxers and t-shirts.  To me that just seems weird.  I feel like there needs to be some boundaries between them. I know they won’t be cuddling and things along those lines anymore. But, things have changed, no matter how much Hunter doesn’t want to admit or accept it.  She won’t get over him if they continue the friendship as it has been going.  But, I’m scared to talk to Hunter about it because it could drive him away.  What if he says “screw you” to me – that he’s not willing to make any of those changes for me.  Thing is, I’ve been that girl.  Whether Alicia admits it or not (or even fully realizes it), those little things that they have bring her hope.  The fact that she made him smile one of his huge to-die-for smiles when she gave him his hat today gave her hope.

I feel like if I said something it would be like me telling him who he can and cannot be friends with.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t want them to spend any time together, I’d just prefer more space between them.  But, I know that friendship means a lot to him – how could I ask him to give that up, even a little?  How could I ask him to put a 1.5 month relationship before a 3 year friendship? At the same time, how can a new relationship stand a chance if it isn’t the priority?

Like I said before, when I’m PMSing everything seems *way* worse than it actually is.  Right now I just have to hope these doubts and insecurities will fade soon – at least for the most part.  Until then I guess I’ll just continue riding this roller coaster of emotions.  I’m fine for 10 minutes – totally confident in my relationship with Hunter. Then BAM, the tears hit me yet again and I become convinced he’ll leave me.  That’s one of the reasons this was such a rambling post – my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.  At this point I have no idea how I’m genuinely feeling.  Even if this thing with Hunter wasn’t happening, I’d still probably be crying anyway.  Like I said, I was almost in tears because my kids almost missed the bus and I couldn’t get together with my friend.  The fact that PMS is temporary and will fade in a day or two is of *very* little comfort.  I want the fuck off this roller coaster NOW.

“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.” April 22, 2008

Hunter was supposed to get me a reflection by last night – one about our time together Saturday-Sunday.  He didn’t.  I even texted him in the 9 o’clock hour to remind him about it.  I didn’t get a reflection but I did get a drunken “I want you” text in the middle of the night.

So, now there has been some discussion about punishment. Hunter does not think he should be punished.  He didn’t get it to me because he was hanging out with friends, which he doesn’t get to do all that much anymore. And, since a lot of them are graduating this May he doesn’t have a lot of time left to spend with them. I do see where he’s coming from.  He’s been stressed with school lately, with the end of the year approaching and all.  And, he’s been working A LOT lately.  Plus, he spends a night or two with me each week.  He said that when he’s with me, he feels guilty about not spending time with his friends and when he’s with his friends, he feels guilty for not spending time with me. 

I’m in no way upset that he chose to spend last night with friends instead of me.  I’m actually glad he got to spend some quality time with his friends.  He needed it.  But, to me it’s fairly black and white – I gave him a deadline and he didn’t meet it. Period.  I don’t see why he couldn’t have written it before he went down to start drinking with everyone – or why, yet again, he pushed it to the last moment to write it. This isn’t the first time he’s been late with reflections.  He’s not good about asking for extensions – which I will *always* grant if there’s a justifiable reason for it. 

The punishment I proposed was a drinking ban.  Since alcohol was a huge factor in him not finishing the reflection on time (he was too drunk at the end of the night to finish it like he had planned), I thought it was most logical that alcohol (or lack thereof) was part of the punishment.  He definitely did not like that idea.  It’s important to me that he feels comfortable discussing things that he feels are not fair.  That may seem silly since this is a D/s relationship, but if he doesn’t feel like he can express those things, such feelings will just fester and grow.  That can have horrific effects on a relationship. 

At this point, I’m thinking that he will not be allowed to drink until May 1st.  That’s a little over a week.  I figure if going a week without drinking is really that difficult, he has some issues with drinking.  And, if he feels he has to drink when he hangs out with his friends, then he has some issues with friends.  I feel like if I let this slide without any punishment, it will happen again and again.  If I let it slide, he won’t take me seriously when I give him a deadline for reflections.  The punishment is not set in stone yet, as I want to give him some more time to talk things out with me if he needs to in order to understand where I’m coming from.

I had something to say, but then you smiled and I forgot. April 20, 2008

Isn’t Hunter just the sweetest? It wasn’t just a line either, he did start to say something and I smiled (or so he says, it was a subconscious thing), then he paused and just looked at me.  I asked him what he was going to say, and he his response was the above line.  I am such a lucky girl!

Last night was so amazingly wonderful.  First, he got off work a little early and shows up to my house and tells me he has a surprise.   It was just spectacular – he didn’t have to work at the butt crack of dawn the next day!  Originally, we were both supposed to work extremely early, which meant an early end to the evening and no staying over night for him.  He got to spend the night though! And, I called in sick to work (naughty, I know) so we got to just be naked together in bed almost all morning.

For the beginning of our momentous (I say momentous because we’re *never* home alone) evening together, he sat naked on the floor while I curled up in clothes on the couch.  He would lean up on the couch a little and we’d semi-cuddle and chat.  It was so nice just being with him.  One thing that I love most about him is that he loves those moments too.  He loves them a lot actually – so not typical of many guys our age. 

While I “made” (er, um, reheated Olive Garden food) dinner, he worked on getting himself off.  When he was ready to cum, I made him cum in his soup.  But, he couldn’t really taste it. Damn Olive Garden, why do they have to make their food so flavorful?  Dinner was delicious.  I even ordered desert – yummy tiramisu!!  I only ordered one though – for me.  He was like a little puppy in my lap begging for bites.  I did give him a few little ones but mostly I savored my desert and being a bitch.

~*~*

Oh, very exciting news! I orgasmed during sex!!  First time EVER!!  Granted, I was using my bullet so I still haven’t had a g-spot orgasm, but it’s progress!  Hunter said he couldn’t even get in me  – my muscles contracted that much.  But, right after I orgasmed, Hunter lost his hard-on.  When I realized what happened, I rolled over and almost started crying. I started worrying that I didn’t do it for him enough anymore, that I no longer turned him on.  I get that guys don’t have control over that but it’s hard not to take it personally.  It happened again today too.  He takes a *long* time to get ready to go again after sex, but he’s never really had a problem staying hard after he’s gotten hard (at least with me anyway).  He has been drinking more lately and I know that can effect it.  Stress/depression can also effect it and he has had a fair amount of that in his life recently.  I’m really hoping it’s a temporary thing, and that I do still really do it for him.

~*~*

I didn’t make him to actually *cry* but I did almost get a tear!!  I was pretty sadistic this weekend.  Last night I tore into his nipples.  I’d read a long time ago about using a hanger to pull two clothespins on he nipples.  So, I did that last night.  It was quite entertaining pulling him around by a hanger as he winced in pain.  I also smacked his ass a bunch.  I do so love spanking.  I also hit his balls a fair amount.  That really hurts him.  That’s how I got that almost-tear out of him.  His balls are definitely going to be sore for a while. I love it.

~*~*

I made a couple new rules for Hunter.  He is to pee sitting down and if only I am present, to pee with the door open.  I made up the sitting to pee rule for several reasons.  One, it’s a way for me to exert control in his everyday life, even when I am not there.  Two, I like controlling him in non-sexual ways.  I really enjoy the fact that the D/s in our relationship isn’t solely in the bedroom.  Three, it’s a demasculination (I’m not sure if that’s actually a word…microsoft says it is though!) thing.  I don’t know if he actually views it that way or not, but that’s part of the intent.  Guys stand to pee, girls sit down.  Now, Hunter also sits down.  See how that works?  There are two exceptions to that rule – if he’s at a bar (hell, I don’t even sit on toilets at bars, why would I expect him to?) or happens to go to the bathroom with friends (though I don’t know why that would happen, it’s just girls who do that…or so guys like to say!) I don’t want his friends to start asking questions.

I made the peeing with the door open rule, again because I wanted to exert more control.  But I did it to also drive home the fact that he is mine and rights are not assumed, they are gifts.  He doesn’t have the right to privacy – *everything* he does is my business.  He had a hard time peeing with the door open at first.  The first time he tried but wasn’t able to.  The second time he tried, he was able to go.  I was in my bedroom which is next door to the bathroom when he was finally able to go.  I made sure to provide plenty of positive reinforcement.  I praised him just like I would a two year old who went pee-pee in the potty.  This morning he even went with me standing right outside the door!  How quickly he adjusts! 

To-do lists are sexy, right? April 17, 2008

I am a to-do list freak.  I have even put “Do tomorrow’s to-do list” on my to-do lists before.

I made a to-do list for Saturday when Hunter and I have the house to ourselves.  Yep, I’m a nerd!  The thing is, I get all these ideas and then when the time comes, I totally forget about them.  I tend to think of things to do to him right before I fall asleep at night or while I’m masturbating.  Because of the headspace I’m in during those times, if I don’t write it down, I will forget it altogether. So far there are only 5 things on the list.  Three of the things Hunter will totally not see coming, as we’ve never discussed anything along the lines of what I have in mind.  Two of those things are less sexual but more humiliation oriented.

Hunter and I haven’t talked too much about the humiliation aspect.  I think I needed to get more comfortable with the pain aspect (as far as getting a tad bit of experience under my belt) before I tried the humiliation stuff.  Humiliation *really* turns me on.  If I read a blog post about sex it turns me on but if I read a post about a sub being humiliated in some way, I get super wet. But, I’m not sure it will have the same effect on me in real-life.

I made Hunter strip for me the other night, and I made him buy a pink thong.  That’s been the extent of the humiliation we’ve done – I’m not even sure just how much those things actually humiliated him.  It’s hard to gauge a person’s humiliation – processing humiliation is more internal, while dealing with pain has more outward signs.  It’s knowing just how humiliated a person is feeling that turns me on.  Sure, I can try to pick his brain about it after the fact, but that doesn’t do me much good while we’re playing.  How does one go about tapping into that humiliation while it’s happening?

2 nights in a row…what a lucky girl I am! April 15, 2008

I found this quote on Devestating yet Inconsequential….

“I feel guilty (when I do) because I hold my sweet boyfriend down and do horrible things to him while he grimaces and begs me to stop and sometimes breaks down in tears. And I do this because I enjoy it and it turns me on. And he doesn’t have an erection while I’m doing it.”

That quote kind of hit home with me in some ways.  I left him an offline message with that quote and the following commentary from me:
“Found that quote on a blog. I don’t really feel guilty, but I also do hold back some out of fear that it will become not enjoyable for you. I guess that’s not a bad thing per say but am I truly dominating you if I have your needs/wants at the forefront of my mind? i think it also comes down to trust. Perhaps I don’t trust myself enough yet, or don’t trust you/your love to know you won’t go anywhere if I do truly hurt you.”

Last night when we played, I did hurt him; tried to hurt him more than in the past.  He has *very* sensitive nipples and a decent chunk of time was spent with clothespins on them.  The looks on his face showed more pain than ever in the past.  It made me so damn wet.  Later, I put a clothespin on my nipple for just a second and it hurt like a bitch!  Even when I went to bed, it still hurt.  For a little bit I felt guilty, knowing just how much pain I had caused him.  But, that was quickly overshadowed by how hot it made me.

Thus far we haven’t used any sort of safewords.  When I asked Hunter about it he said, “Trust me, I’ll make it clear when you need to stop.”  But, I would *love* to hear him beg me to stop hurting him and just keep going.  As it stands now, the second he tells me to stop (which he hasn’t gotten to that point yet), I would.  Maybe we’ll do the yellow/red thing.  It’s something we will definitely discuss soon (especially since we have my house to myself this weekend – there will be major pain for Hunter!!)

The first few times Hunter and I had sex, he thanked me almost as soon as he entered me.  He was just so pleased to be inside of me. After a few weeks he stopped doing that.  It kind of disappointed me but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to say it because he felt he *had* to, I wanted him to say it because he was truly feeling that thankfulness.   Sunday and last night he did say thank you, towards the end of it.  I think part of it was because he hadn’t gotten any in a while. I’ll have to keep that in mind – a thankful boy is a denied boy.

~*~

I had a rough time with sex last night.  It hurt.  As dumb as it sounds, I think it was because we’d just fucked (a lot, by my standards!) the night before.  I’ve had consistent fucks in the past, but they were mostly on a weekly basis – not daily.  My pussy is naturally *very, very* tight so I think it probably takes longer to recover.  I have complete faith though that once Hunter and I are able to fuck more frequently, I’ll have no problem. 

Doggie style seemed to be the least painful – it was the first time Hunter & I had tried it.  Hunter sure had no complaints!  I’m not a huge fan of doggie.  Sex doesn’t do as much for me without an emotional component and when there’s no eye contact and such, it doesn’t do as much for me. Plus, it feels like it puts him in more of a power position – he’s supposed to be on his knees – not me!  But, Hunter REALLY, REALLY enjoyed it.  So, I think that’s something I’ll save for when he’s been a really good boy!

To cum or not to cum…that is the question April 14, 2008

Hunter ended up not getting to my place until almost 9 o’clock last night.  We got into it a little on the phone while he was driving here.  It was the closest thing we’ve had to a fight.  Usually when he does something I wasn’t pleased about, I tell him and that’s that.  Last night he gave it right back to me.  We threw arguments back and forth for a bit before there was an awkward period of silence.  I cut the conversation off abruptly because I had to go shower and everything before he got there. When he got there everything was just fine – like nothing had ever been wrong.  At some point we talked about the situation but we didn’t really argue about it or anything along those lines. 

Quite a while ago I asked Hunter to buy a pink thong.  I kept forgetting about it though so it wasn’t until last night that he wore it for me.  I’ve also been wanting him to do a strip tease for me.  He swore he wouldn’t do a strip tease.  He claimed he didn’t know what to do.  I tried to explain that it’s like what strippers do.  His comeback to that was, “They already have their clothes off!”  He eventually did it though.  It was among the most adorable things I’ve ever seen.  I can’t say he had many moves but what he did do was so cute.  He basically just moved his hips back and forth – kind of like how a 2 or 3 year old would dance.  I absolutely loved it though! He did something he felt was completely humiliating for me, to please me. 

Originally, he was going to get to cum.  It had been two weeks since he had last cum (he didn’t get to cum last time we were together since he’d stood me up the night before).  But, I was quite upset about our plans getting postponed last night, so I decided he wouldn’t be allowed to cum again last night.  He did spend a fair amount of time inside me though!

I had him go down on me for a while – both before he did and after he had begged me to allow him to fuck me and cum.  After he’d pleasured me a little while I told him he could fuck me.  He got so excited…until I brought out my secret weapon.  I got a condom out of our stash (normally we don’t wear them) and his face just fell.  He put it on and went to try to fuck me, but I stopped him and pulled out another condom for him to put on.  It looked like he could have cried!  It was one of the best fucks I’ve had though!  Normally he has to back off a little so he can last longer but he didn’t have to worry about that because the condoms deprived him of almost all feeling. 

I, of course, didn’t let him cum.  Then I played with his ass a little bit – with a plug and vibrator.  I am quite surprised by how much his ass can take.  I am rather looking forward to fucking his ass myself.  Mmmmm….

We spent a large chunk of the evening just laying naked in each others arms talking.  It was so nice.  Of course there was some teasing going on also.  At one point I did let him fuck me for 30 seconds.  You’d have thought I just offered him a thousand bucks, he was so excited to get even that little bit of time!  When there were 10 seconds left, I started counting down.  He got excited that he was going to get to cum but I told him no, that was just how long he had left inside of me.  I promptly pushed him out of me when I got down to one. Also at various points throughout the evening, I would let him just lay inside of me.  He was so grateful for even that.

At the end of the night, I told him he could fuck me for 1 minute.  I wanted to get him all riled up and horny right before he left.  After a minute I started counting down.  He asked if he got to cum at 1.  I asked if he thought he could and he said no (he’s no minuteman – he takes quite a while usually).  At 6 I told him that yes, he could cum.  When I got to 1 he came!  He said he didn’t feel at all like he could at all, until I said one and put my hands on hips to push him out of me.  All of a sudden he started cumming.  He was as surprised as I was! 

Yeah, so I messed up and totally underestimated him.  But, it was amusing nonetheless and we both left very happy people. 

I love him!

 

Dissapointed yet again April 13, 2008

I’m trying to calm myself down a little bit.  Hunter was supposed to come over tonight right after he got off work – about 6-6:30.  He just called saying it would be closer to 7 or 8 (knowing him, probably more like 8).  He has a group meeting for a final project right when he gets off work, that he completely forgot about.  It seems like such a trivial thing yet it sent me into tears.

I know part of it is the depression – I should really see my doctor about upping my meds a bit.  But part of it is also the constant disappointment that I seem to be feeling in relation to him lately.  I live for the times I get to see him (not to imply I literally live for him – I’m not unstable like that) but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case for him.  The last three Saturday’s he chose to go out with friends (translation: get shit-faced) instead of see me (granted, one of the Saturday’s I was busy with a family thing but even if I hadn’t been, it wouldn’t have changed things).  I want him to have his friends and be social, but not at the cost of our relationship.  When he chooses not to see me on a Saturday night, he usually does see me on Sunday night.  But, that’s not the same.  On a Saturday night we would have had the whole evening, night, and next morning together.  On a Sunday night we get a few hours together. 

I’m sure many domme’s would have played the domme card and demanded he see her but I just can’t do that.  Maybe I’m not really a domme then.  Maybe I don’t have the backbone needed to be a good domme.  I don’t want him to come see me because he *has* to, I want him to *want* to choose me – I haven’t been his first choice lately. 

The problem tonight was that he was irresponsible and forgot about his meeting.  Okay, we’re all human. It happens.  But, it happens a lot with him – especially lately.  Last Sunday was a similar thing – he just fell asleep.  It just gets old after a bit. I get SO excited for the times when I get to see him so I just kind of crash when things fall through or get delayed.  That roller coaster of emotions gets old.  Like any roller coaster, a person can’t stay on it forever.

I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to spend time with him (often staying up extremely late, by my standards, and thus forgoing a decent paying substitute teaching job the next day (I require a fair amount of sleep)) – all of them my choice, I take responsibility for them.  But, I’m happy to make those sacrifices – that’s how much I care about him.  That’s how much spending time with him means to me.  While I don’t expect him to make sacrifices like that for me (school comes first!) I just don’t feel like he cares about me that much.  He says he does, but like the old saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.”  It does seem like he makes sacrifices for me – coming over late while he’s had little sleep. But, in reality he had to do that because he chose to do something else at an earlier time.  In those situations I feel more like a burden, like I forced him to pencil me in somewhere.   That’s how I feel tonight.

Part of me wants to call and just tell him to forget about tonight, and maybe even tomorrow night. [When he told me about the delay in this evenings events, he wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow night.  I work until 8:30.  He said he'd be there at 8:45 (again, even though I could end up working a 12 hr. day Monday, I would still jump at the opportunity to see him that night).  I was surprised we were going to do something two nights in a row - to which he said, "Well, I have to do something to make up for tonight."  I was thinking, "Gee, I'm so glad you feel like you *have* to spend time with me," even though I know that's not how he meant it.] I’m tempted to do that for many reasons.  One, to punish him.  Despite his actions, I know he does want to spend time with me so not being able to would not make him happy, and I’m sure make him feel really guilty.  Two, as a defense mechanism.  If *I* cancel things, I can’t be dissapointed when something comes up to ruin our plans, once again.  Three, because sometimes I just feel like being a bitch.

I’m also a little upset because when he messes up, I also get punished.  I wanted to get laid last Monday but I couldn’t because he didn’t deserve it.  I wanted to get laid tonight, but I won’t because he doesn’t deserve it.  There are a lot of things I want to try, scenarios I’ve planned in my head. But, I have to keep putting them off when he’s a bad boy.  Granted, there are alteranate ways I could punish him.  Because we both live with other people, physical punishment is difficult (ya know, due to the crying and screams, hehe). Plus, I prefer to do the positive reinforcement route.  If he’s a good boy, he gets good things.  If he’s not, he doesn’t.  I believe in positive reinforcement the majority of the time (I’m a teacher), but especially with a sub.  I think usuing positive reinforcement ensures he’s serving me because he *wants* to, not because he feels he *has* to or because he fears me.  I’m sure a lot of domme/doms approach things differently but I think this is the right approach for me personally.   

Love & ex-girlfriends April 8, 2008

Last night with Hunter was so spectacular.  I’m sure he may have other adjectives for it though!

When he got to town we went out to eat.  Even though we were in public and had to talk quietly and be careful of what we said, it was a great chance for us to really talk.  At the beginning of the conversation I made it *very* clear that I was not happy with his recent behavior.  I was still upset about him standing me up Sunday night, plus that night he had been 7 minutes late in arriving to my place (he’d actually fallen asleep again so he had to hurry and take a shower then raced to my place), he hadn’t shaved (which I had told him to do Sunday night), and he didn’t wear the pink thong I told him to. 

I absolutely hate punishing or reprimanding him.  Hate it!  I haven’t really pinpointed why yet.  Perhaps it’s because he’s an adult and it just doesn’t feel natural – but, then one would be forced to ask themselves why spanking him is so great.  Maybe it’s because I tend to be a bleeding heart so I feel bad that someone I love is in trouble, even if it’s justified – if that’s the case I better not even attempt motherhood!

He didn’t really have anything to say for himself, except that he’s been an idiot lately, which I couldn’t really argue with.  I asked him if he really wanted the total D/s package, or if he just wanted it in the bedroom.  I figured if he actually *wanted* it throughout our entire relationship, he’d at least make some attempt at following the rules I make him.  I realize now that wasn’t really a fair train of thought.  He had followed most of the rules I’d given him, he’d just been slacking with it the past few days.  He said that he did want a D/s relationship, not just a sexual D/s dynamic.  That was very good for me to hear – to know he wanted it and wasn’t just putting up with it just to please me.

Part of his punishment for Sunday night was not getting to have sex with me last night.  I think that was very good for us.  He gave us a chance to reconnect, I think.  It was rather fun to fuck with him.  He totally thought I would cave and fuck him.  I totally didn’t.  To be honest, I wasn’t even completely confident in my ability to resist him.  I was pretty proud of myself for it, not gonna lie. 

When we first started watching the movie I wouldn’t let him touch me hardly at all.  Then, after a few attempts, I let him stick his hand between my legs.  As the night progressed we changed our cuddling position, giving him better access to my tits.  At first I wouldn’t let him get anywhere near them and would move his hand when he’d try to go up my shirt.  Eventually I let him grab me.  At one point we rolled onto the floor and I abruptly took off my shirts and bra.  Boy did that get him excited!  But, I only did it so he could give me a massage! I *love* getting the back of my neck and back kissed and while I dispise making out with someone who has stubble on their face, I do love how it tickles my back when someone kisses it.  Mmmmmm.

At various points he would try to weasle his hands down my jeans.  Abruptly I would say, “No” or “Stop”.  That really turned me on.  It felt like I was talking to a dog – giving simple commands and having them be obeyed.  I have no idea if he found it to be dehumanizing at all, but it definitely turned me on.

~*~*~

He loves me.  I’m finally really starting to believe it (knock on wood).  The way he looks at me is so intense, so deep.  If he doesn’t love me, he is one good actor!  I also get the feeling that he’s getting more comfortable with saying he loves me.  He’s always said it but kind of in a guy way – somewhat rushed with little emotion. And, he rarely (if ever) initiated saying it – when he said it, it was in reply to me saying it first.  He’s admitted he’s not the greatest at expressing his feelings, which I think is part of it.  But, I think also he’s surprised by his feelings.  I don’t know if he’s been in love before, but I know he’s never felt this way, this intesely, about someone so in a lot of ways, this kind of love is new to him. And, I’m a little more convinced he’s serious about me because he asked me what I thought about moving to Florida for him to go to grad school.  I know he wasn’t really serious about it but the fact that he’s even given any thought to it is a good sign I think.

~*~*~

Hunter’s ex girlfriend (the only domme he had before me – we’ll call her Sarah) immed me today.  Yesterday he had some trouble with yahoo saying he kept signing in at another location. But, he couldn’t figure out who else had his password.  Come to find out Sarah still knew his password and had signed in to get a mutual friends screen name.  She also picked mine up.  [Side note: I asked Hunter how she would even know what my screen name was -it's fairly random.  He said it's under some heading about being the best girl in the world or something along those lines.  Too cute!]  When she first immed me she said that Hunter gave her my screenname.  I said, “really?  he said you signed into his account.” Then she kind of backtracked and said, yeah she had so she assumed Hunter knew she looked it up.  Hmmm. I must admit, I did enjoy talking to her.  It’s nice to talk to another girl who is also a domme.  This should be interesting.