“No pain like from the opposite sex, gonna hurt bad but don’t take it out on the next.” January 31, 2008

 Is it really possible to NOT have baggage from previous relationships?  I’ve heard so many times that it’s not right to make your current partner pay for the mistakes of a previous partner.  And, I agree to a certain degree.  It’s not that I disagree, it’s that I think that isn’t always plausible.  One could argue that if there are still lingering effects from a previous relationship, perhaps it’s not time to move on.  So instead you’re supposed to put the relationship part of your life on hold?  I understand the need to get over someone before one moves on, but if we were to allow all the lingering effects to pass, would we ever really be able to move on?

I’ve been mulling this over in my head for quite a few days, as it’s been a factor in my life recently.  I have been talking to a guy on collarme for a couple weeks now.  He’s not like any guy I’ve met on there – he’s very smart, articulate, and cares about the big picture – not just sex.  Plus, we have a lot in common on a vanilla level.  I finally brought up with him the possiblity of talking on the phone – then he drops the bomb shell.  He just moved to the area from the East coast and while he and the girl he was seeing from there aren’t “together” they did leave things open ended in case they wanted to re-establish things again in the future. 

Okay, so that wasn’t quite a bomb shell.

But, I do have to admit (shamefully) that it did have an effect on me – it made me a lot more hesitant to pursue something with him.  A little history - My last boyfriend had only been broken up with his girlfriend a month before we started dating.  That made me quite hesitant at first but I finally let him “in.” A month and a half into it he dumped me for her (mind you, that may not seem like a long time but to this point, I haven’t opened myself up to relationships so even getting into one was a big deal).  It stung a little extra because, not to imply I think I’m better than anyone else, but let’s just say I have a hell of A LOT more going for me than she has for herself. 

Anyway, the effects are still aparent.  I am now extremely hesitant to let a guy “in” if there is another girl even remotely close to being in the picture.  This shouldn’t bother me a bit but it does.  How do I get past it?  Stupid boys

‘Nilla Sex January 30, 2008

When I’m not at my computer, I have a ton of ideas for posts – a bunch of thoughts to share.  And then I sit down to write and POOF! they’re gone.  Go freaking figure!

I had some vanilla sex last night.  It’s the first time I’ve had sex in about 9 months.  Mind you, I’ve had opportunities and I have done other things with guys, but not sex.  I have been so horny for about a month now (not that I wasn’t before that, but it’s been more intense lately).  It wasn’t as good as I remember it being.  Then again, sex is never as good as I remember it being.  That has almost always been true – the fantasy of sex is better than the reality.  I tire of sex after about a minute and a half.  Seriously, what is my problem?! Anyway, back to the sex of last night – I think part of the reason it was just so-so is because I’m not really serious about this guy.  I have noticed that the sex has been noticeably better with guys I have deeper, genuine feelings for.  So, really, I should have known this was going to suck.

Speaking of sex – orgasms.  I have never orgasmed during sex.  Matter of fact, I’ve never orgasmed from anything other than my hand or a vibrating bullet.  Like I said, I think a lot of that has to do with the emotional connection thing.  Part of me thinks I’m just broken   I am on anti-depressants which could very well have an impact on it also. 

There was a point to my orgasm history, I swear. I think my lack of orgasms is one reason I’m drawn to the Femdom thing. In a lot of the femdom reading I’ve done (granted it’s been mostly fiction – I haven’t found any Femdom blogs I really like…if anyone knows of any, let me know!) there is not a whole lot of sex. I don’t really see myself having a lot of sex in any relationship I have (another reason I wouldn’t have worked as a sub) and for the most part, I’m pretty content with my bullet. The more I get into the Femdom thing, the more I’m sure this is ideal for me.

What I want vs. What I’ve found January 28, 2008

Most males I’ve talked with who are in the lifestyle are mainly looking for play partners.  Now, they don’t exactly use those terms – they say things like, “I’m too busy for an actual relationship right now but I am looking for someone who can help me explore my submissive side.” 

It’s very possible that not everyone is like me (imagine that!) and that they will in fact be able to explore their submissive side without an actual relationship (not necessarily a dating, committed relationship, but something more consistent than just booty calls).  I’m not saying I needed the context of a relationship in order to submit back in the day, but if I only submitted during a scene, to me it wasn’t genuine.  It was role playing.  If you’re into role playing, that’s awesome for you, but it’s not what I’m looking for.  It’s hard to determine who actually wants to submit and who just wants to role play.  Perhaps it’s just a girlie thing but I don’t just want to show up, boss a guy around, then leave.  I want to hang out with them, enforcing my domination in little ways here and there, and if the mood hits me something more intense. 

Journey to Now January 23, 2008

I have reflected about how I came to find my interest in D/s.  The story I developed along the way was that I discovered erotic literature online – literotica.com.  I don’t know what made me first click on the BDSM section but that became all I read.  My interest of course grew and I began chatting with people at literotica.  I eventually met a lightly D/s couple and the three of us were an item for a very short time.

My interest grew and I started frequenting websites such as collarme.com.  At that point I got a little down about it because there aren’t many guys my age who are dominate (keep in mind, at this point I still identified myself as submissive).  Most men I encountered were only in it for sex or were older and the older thing does nothing for me, sorry.  But, I did meet a very nice guy – J.  He was very good to me – he challenged me to challenge my limits.  Yes, you read that right – he didn’t challenge my limits, but empowered me to challenge them myself.  He never “forced” me to do anything – we weren’t that intense.  But he would work with me using encouragement until I consented (not to say I always did consent, but most of the time his tactics worked).  He’s the only one who’s taken my ass.  He waited over a year for it, he waited until I was sure I was ready.  When the time came, he was gentle and ensured that I was “okay” throughout  it.

Then there was another dom-like figure that was in my life for almost a year.  There were a lot of lies involved and it was long-distance.  I kept him around far longer than I should have.  But that experience helped me realize that submission wasn’t for me.  The positive reinforcement did little for me.  I didn’t want to orgasm on the phone – it’s not my thing.  I didn’t want to kneel forever.  I couldn’t imagine my heart ever being in it.  It was the fantasy of it that I liked, not so much the reality.  But, I found myself returning again and again to the BDSM type blogs that I read.  They still turned me on, which lead me to reflect further on what exactly it was that turned me on.  The conclusion I came to is obvious.

I have once again posted a profile on collarme and have had decent responses thus far.  There have been a number of guys I’ve talked to that weren’t for me or I wasn’t for them, but it’s still interesting – still a growth experience.  It’s fascinating to hear everyone’s turn-ons and turn-offs. 

Just Me January 23, 2008

A little about me.  I’m a 23 year old recent college graduate.  I’m a teacher so sometimes my posts may be about the kidlets I happened to be teaching that particular day.  But mostly the blog will be about my search to discover who I really am – sexually.  For a few years I have had an interest in the BDSM world.  I identified as a submissive but have recently realized I actually have more dominate tendencies.

 I know this is a short intro. but I will write more soon.