Mixed Messages January 3, 2012

I can’t say the date with the ‘nilla guy was a bust necessarily.  But it will be the only one.  We went out to eat and conversation flowed nicely.  We went bowling and it was enjoyable enough.  I invited him in to watch a movie when we got back to my sisters and he instantly said yes.  Nothing happened during the movie.  We stayed on our respective ends of the couches but did chat sporadically throughout.  Then when the movie ended, he couldn’t leave fast enough!

 

I was rather puzzled by the whole thing.  We texted later and he said he wasn’t interested in seeing me again.  I told him I really appreciated him being forward and honest about it, which was genuine.  I expected that to be the end of the conversation.  But then he came back with the explanation that it was the distance thing.  I hadn’t asked for a reason and explained that he didn’t owe me any explanation. I expected that to be the end of the conversation.  He said something back again which lead me to inquire as to why he even wanted to go on one date with the distance was going to be a problem.  He said he wanted to give it a chance.  Guess I didn’t impress him enough to want to at least keep talking!  I threw out that I would be in the area again over spring break if he wanted to get together, even just as friends.  He said he’d keep it in mind.  Then I made it clear the conversation was ending.  I said thanks again for dinner and that I had a nice time.  He replied with “I had a nice time too.  Good night, Chessa.”  WTF?  You had a nice time?  You just told me you didn’t want to see me again yet you had a nice time?  Like I’d said, I felt there were multiple endings to the conversation yet he always came back with something.  Whatever, dude!

 

It really is for the best.  The distance would have been an issue eventually.  Plus, I found out after the fact his best friend is a girl…whom he dated for a while.  I refuse to go there.  I’ve been dumped for the ex who’s “just a friend” too many times.  I wasn’t totally sold on him but I liked him enough to want to get to know him better.  I was right about his dry personality though, but perhaps a more outgoing, fun side would have come out eventually.  Oh, well.  School is starting now so I won’t have the time or energy to care about dick for a while.

Holiday Happenings December 26, 2011

The holidays have been more enjoyable this year than in past years.  Don’t get me wrong, most holidays are enjoyable.   I love my family, for the most part.   We get along really well – we all have similar political views, are all comparable intelligence wise, and enjoy giving one another a hard time.  With my niece not here and my sister’s ex-husband missing for the first time in 10 years, it’s just the original 5 of us.  The 5 of us mesh so well together.  But, we only mesh well together for a certain period of time.  I saw the first crack of snappiness come out this morning when my dad chewed me out for throwing food scraps away rather than saving them for the cats.  Ha, my sister just snapped at my dad because he’s nagging her about looking at her camera even though she’s helping my mom with something.  But a little snap here and there is ever as far as it goes – we aren’t a fighting family.  Nonetheless, it’s probably a good thing we’re leaving tomorrow!

 

I would probably stay here a little longer, except I’m heading up to WI to meet a guy.  It’s the guy my niece set me up with.  With the exception of his three tattoos and plans for more, he sounds pretty darn perfect.  Our views and opinions line up on everything that’s really important to us (mostly religion and politics, lol).  He’s all about helping people and creating change in society which is something that’s huge in my life also.  Personality wise, the only reservation I have is that he may not be funny enough for me.  I get the impression he’s a little dry.  It’s not that I want to be with a comedian (that would actually be annoying, I think) but laughter is so important to me and in my opinion, to a relationship as a whole.  If we don’t laugh a lot when we’re together, we’ve got no chance.  Then there’s the distance thing.  He lives almost 6 hours away.  In a way I’m actually looking forward to it a little – I don’t mind driving up there over school breaks so for the most part I get to keep living my life the way I am but will still have “someone”.  But, I know that’s not practical for the long-term.  I shouldn’t worry about all that yet though considering we haven’t even met!

 

Of course, to my knowledge he’s vanilla so that’s something to deal with too!  But, he’s leaps and bounds above the trash I usually meet online so I figure I should give him a chance anyway.  Wish me luck!

Single Does Not Equal Flawed December 22, 2011

I am me.  I am not unhappy about who I am.  Are there things I would like to change about myself?  Of course.  The biggest being I wish I had more self-discipline (both with health related issues and sex…as in I should hold out longer, lol).  People tell me I’m a pessimist and impatient and there is definitely truth in both of those characterizations.  But there is little desire within me to change those aspects of myself.  Most pessimists are considered unhappy but I’m really quite happy with my life.  My feisty, pessimistic comments are often a source of humor for my friends and family.  And the patient thing?  It’s not that I’m less patient than others, it’s just that I vocalize it when I’m feeling impatient.  I believe most people feel as impatient as I do, they just keep it inside.  I don’t see the point in that.  If you’re annoying me because you’re slow, I’m going to tell you.  And I won’t get upset if I ever annoy you for being slow.  It most likely won’t speed up my pace but it won’t bother me either because I know how therapeutic expressing those frustrations can be.

 

However, some in my family seem to be quite bothered by who I am and by the fact that I don’t see any need to change.  At Thanksgiving my sister made an offhand comment about how I will never find a life partner if I don’t become more patient.  I can see where she is coming from.  If I don’t change at all, I would be difficult to be married to.  But she implies that not finding a life partner would somehow be a bad thing.  That somehow my life is lacking because I’m single (which is ironic considering she is too).  I don’t agree.  We celebrated Christmas with my niece a couple weeks ago.  I kid you not, we spent 75% of dinner listening to her go on and on about how I’m never going to find someone because of this, that, and the other thing (mind you, this is also the one who wants to set me up with her friend).  She went on so long I finally had to defend myself with a weak, “Well, my co-workers and students like me so must not be ALL bad!”  It was Christmas dinner; I didn’t want an argument to break out and she has bipolar and is freaking crazy so I didn’t want her to have a meltdown.

 

Here’s the thing, a lot of her points are valid.  I am extremely selfish about my time.  I enjoy having nothing to do on weekends.  I enjoy walking into an empty and silent apartment at the end of the day.  I really enjoy having my bed all to myself.  I like that I never have to share the TV with anyone.  I don’t consider those character flaws.  It’s not like I walk around wondering “Why oh why can’t I find anyone?” I’m not looking!  Well, not actively anyway.  And for the record, I’m by no means 100% selfish – when my friends or family need something it’s a priority for me to be there for them.  I just don’t want that to be my life all day, every day (hence why I don’t want children at this point in my life also).

 

I refuse to believe the things my sister and niece have commented on are genuine character flaws.  I’m self-aware and that isn’t a bad thing!  The world would be a hella better place if more people were honest about who they are – there would be way less divorces and messed up children.  When I find someone I don’t consider it work to spend time with, someone I *want* to come home to, someone who doesn’t annoy the hell out of me after two days of being with them, then I’ll change on my own.  Until then, I think it’s a damn good way of weeding out the people who aren’t right for me.  My family needs to back the fuck off and accept me for being me, just as I have grown to do.

Crazy Girl December 7, 2011

My niece is 19 years old and has bi-polar.  Due to being so heavily medicated (but for the naysayers out there, let me assure you she wasn’t over-medicated) for so many years, she didn’t develop emotionally like the rest of her peers.  So, as you read this post, keep in mind it’s like I’m communicating with a crazy, immature 15 year old…

She has this friend whom she used to work with who is my age.  She called me a couple weeks ago all excited about setting me up with him.  Mind you, they both live 6ish hours away.  Here’s how her part of the conversation went (I’m not really exaggerating either):

 

“He’s totally okay with adopting. Okay, that’s a lie. He just seems like the kind of guy who would be okay with it. He would be okay with a small wedding. Okay, I don’t really know that for sure. We’ve never talked about it. I know you don’t like long distance relationships but that’s okay. He said he’d move for you. I mean, he’s looking for better jobs so he could just look in Iowa. It wouldn’t be a big deal.”

See?  Crazy girl!

I gave her my consent to give him my contact information and this past weekend he did e-mail me.  I’ve sent two e-mails to him total, he’s sent three to me.  My niece is on cloud nine.  At one point in our conversation tonight (she called me to get the scoop on things…she called him last night to get his opinion on things…see?  crazy girl!) she said, “I am just SO excited!  I can’t believe you’re e-mailing and talking to a guy!”

I just chuckled to myself and thought “Oh honey, if you only knew.”

It’s a Small World After All December 1, 2011

I grew up in a small town.  My hometown had 200 people and the town I went to school in had 1200.  Everyone knew everyone’s business.  I went to college in a town of 60,000 and considered it a “big city”.  But, it was a big city with a really small town feel.  It’s a fairly close-knit community; I learned quickly that word seemed to spread in certain circles as if it were a small town.  The community I live in now has a couple hundred thousand people.  I thought this was a really big city – no Chicago or anything like that but a big city nonetheless.  It’s not nearly as big as I thought it was though.

 

I wrote last month about how I learned that my massage therapist is into kink.  Today was my first massage since then.  I didn’t feel like it was awkward or anything, not even when we discovered that I’ve fucked her boyfriend.  Yep, that’s right.  It’s the guy I wrote about here and here.  Through a vanilla part of conversation tonight I asked her where her bf works.  When she told me I said something along the lines of “Oh, I dated a guy from there.”  You can figure out where the conversation went from there.  We laughed our assess off.  She said that when she’d mentioned me he did get a little quiet but she didn’t think too much of it at the time.  Now, of course it makes sense.  I’m very happy for the two of them.   He is sweet and would do anything for someone he cares about and she is a positively delightful girl who deserves someone so sweet.  I’m glad they found each other!

Top 5 November 29, 2011

When thinking of my top 5, I find myself unable to just think about just the sex.  It’s not just about sex for me.  I’m kind of girly like that.  It’s about feelings and cuddling and all that junk too.  The first three  really stand out from the rest (and there’s been 22, mind you).  Those were not difficult to figure out.  The 4th was pretty far behind and the 5th barely made it.  There’s just gotta be feelings!  So, here goes!

#1 – Hunter.  He’s the only one I’ve ever been dominant with for more than just a night.  The sex was good, especially in the beginning when he could last longer than 3 seconds, hehe. I got to experience SO much with him, especially as a dominant.  He let me hurt him.  It was with him that I discovered denial & orgasm control are a huge kink for me.  We cuddled after sex.  He’s the first guy I was comfortable with letting go down on me (I am hugely self-conscious about it).  I never doubted his attraction to me.  Most importantly, I loved him (in spite of the fact he didn’t deserve it).  That is what really makes him #1.  For me, a guy could be the best lay in the world but if I don’t have genuine feelings for him, it’s not really going to matter.

#2 – Jason.  He was one of the first people I recall experimenting with BDSM with.  I remember the first moment I saw him – he was wearing jeans and a white beater.  He’s in the military, which should give you some indication about the type of body he has.  Yummy is about the only word that could describe him.   We got together sporadically over four-ish years and still communicate occasionally.  He was always dominant with me and I trusted him totally.  He pushed a lot of my limits, especially the emotional ones.  He’s the only guy I’ve ever let fuck me in the ass and he was so sweet and gentile about it (again, I was/am extremely self-conscious about it!)  In spite of the fact I was submissive towards him, he is the one who originally saw the dominant in me.  I never in a million years thought that was something I would enjoy.  But he brought it up several times and eventually I started to entertain the idea and now realize that is ultimately the type of relationship I want to be in.  He was the complete package: hot, amazing cock, and sweet.  Like with Hunter, one of the reasons it was so good with him was because of feelings I had for him.  While I never loved him, he was a good friend.  He did (and does) mean a lot to me.

#3 – Darren.  He is the one I wrote about here.  He was the first guy I ever slept with more than once (I’d been with two guys before him).  I was his first.  He was very sweet – would have done just about anything for me, or for any of his friends for that matter.  We would lay in his bed and talk for hours.  He was the first guy I ever spent the night with.  The sex was good too, of course.  Poor guy stuck with me even though for the first few months I was an only-missionary-lights-off-covers-on girl.  He brought up trying doggie style several times but I was so naive that I thought doggie was anal!  When I figured out what it really was I tried it and of course liked it!

#4 – Chad.  I was only with him a handful of times but all of those times were extremely pleasurable.  Once he wore a flavored condom – it was one of the few times I didn’t mind giving head (the condom wasn’t on but did leave behind some flavor).  I remember him being very soft – not his cock of course, but his skin.  And he seemed to have a tenderness about him.  Tenderness should not be confused with sweetness because I was one of multiple side flings while he was engaged.  He had a very nice cock – on the longer side but also on the thin side.  To the best of my recollection he is the only guy that has been both long enough to satisfy me but also never hurt me when he first entered me.  Like with the others, I had some feelings for him.  It was more of a crush, but there was a friendship of sorts also.

#5 – Trent, the guy from the previous post.  The sex was good and he looked like a combination of Aaron Rodgers & Ashton Kutcher.  His cock was close to perfect too.  But, he’s a pretty distant 5th because his personality annoyed the hell out of me.  It tainted the whole experience.

6.22.12 November 20, 2011

I’ve chatted very sporadically with a guy for about three years.  He seemed very into me – in an almost desperate, clingy way – and that was kind of a turn-off for me.  Plus, not that it’s right but his only job at the time was a pizza delivery guy.  While I should give him kudos for being gainfully employed, a guy with a job as opposed to a career just isn’t really on my radar.  I’m sure we’d exchanged pics forever ago but at the time I hadn’t been thoroughly impressed (I would assume; I do not remember at all).  We exchanged pics again about a week ago and he had me hooked.  He totally has Aaron Rodgers’ eyes.  I adore Aaron Rodgers.  Plus, his hair and facial hair look just like Ashton Kutcher’s.  So, imagine Ashton Kutcher with Rodgers’ eyes….there was no way I was saying no to that.

 

We met at a hotel and fucked like rabbits.  I’d told him that the most times a guy had ever gone with me was twice (maybe three times but I couldn’t remember for sure).  His mission for the evening was to top that.  To quote him as we fell asleep, “I didn’t just top that, I annihilated it.” And, he pretty much did.  We went 6 times in a matter of three and a half hours, then again once in the morning.  He was dominant with me and it was nice to submit.  But, he doesn’t have a dominant personality, if that makes sense.  He likes to be in charge in the bedroom but he didn’t have that commanding aura about him.  I did as he said because he was rough physically with me (which was totally okay with me!) and because that’s what we’d decided our roles would be.  But, if I had flat out refused to submit he wouldn’t have been able to change my mind.  Whereas, the more naturally dominant type guys can get me to do whatever they want just by looking in my eyes a certain way.

 

He wants to see me again and I think I’d be game for it but I can’t say for sure.  The thing is, he talks too much.  He goes on, and on, and on which would be tolerable if he let me talk sometimes too.  But he doesn’t.  At one point he asked me what my favorite movie is (he fancies himself a movie buff).  As soon as I told him what it was he started rambling about this, that, and another thing related to the movie.  There was absolutely no discussion.  It was only me listening to him talk.  He also commented on 5 years worth of “Best Picture” winners from the 90s.  That’s the way it was the entire time.  I am not exaggerating when I say I don’t think I ever said more than two sentences at once.  I *never* told a complete story.  At one point I even told him that he was not a good listener and it didn’t phase him at all.  He just kept talking.  I can tell you about at least 10 of his sexual exploits because he went on about that at length also.  I get sharing sex stories.  It’s a fun thing to do when you get to know someone, especially when it’s just casual sex.  It didn’t make me jealous at all.  But he went on, and on, and on about ‘em.  Not in negative way that compared me to them at all but just sharing stories.  The only time he wasn’t talking about fucking other women was when he talked about movies for 15 minutes and right before the movie conversation when he analyzed fast food for 15 minutes.  The sharing sex stories would have been more tolerable if it had actually been sharing, as in we both did it.  But no, it was just him talking.

 

The more I write about the evening the more I think maybe I won’t see him again afterall. lol.  Considering he lives almsot 2 hours away it’s not like we could ever meet up for a quickie.  It would always be an overnight, to make it worth it.  I really don’t want to spend hours listening to him talk again.  Though, I can see it being worth it if it’s been a while since the last time I had sex.  It was awfully nice having a cock fill me up again.  He did have a nice cock too.  About a half inch more and it would have been *my* ideal cock.  He had me gagging to the point of tears running down my cheeks which was a huge turn on for us both.

 

One thing that turned me on with him was that my pain turned him on.  With other dominants I’ve been with I feel like it’s the power of being in control that turns them on, not necessarily the pain itself.  Some may not really think there’s a difference and before last night it wasn’t a distinction I would have made.  But I could tell whenever I was in pain he’d fuck me harder, hurt me more, and his cock would thicken.  That turned me on like no other.  I also liked that he didn’t let me get away with much.  While I didn’t get a feel for his dominant aura, he also wasn’t a softie.  He pushed my limits.  I don’t think I’ve ever given a guy a rim job before.  I hate the idea of it.  Few things gross me out as much as the idea of having my tongue where poop comes out.  But, this guy has major OCD tendencies and after some coercion and a little force, I eventually relented.  It wasn’t awful.  Definitely not a turn on for me though.  He mad me do it quite a lot and he loved it even more because he knew I hated it (which yes, totally turned me on).

 

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never orgasmed during sex.  Last night was no exception.  But, I think I’ve gotten closer than ever before.  We were doing it doggie and he was pounding me hard and fast which is how I *love* it but most guys can’t do that long because my pussy is so tight.  Then he started scratching my ass.  OMG.  Best combination of pleasure and pain I’ve ever experienced.  For a guy, he had some sharp nails.  He’d scratch down my back too but that was not a pleasurable kind of pain.

 

My favorite moment from the experience happened this morning.  I woke him up and we chatted a bit.  As I went to get out of bed to get ready, he pulled me back onto the bed and climbed on top of me.  As I figured out what he was doing, I pleaded that I was very sore from last night and I wasn’t wet at all.  He looked at me and said simply, “You think I care?” and plunged into me.   It hurt so fucking good.  It did hurt, that is for sure but it was among the best erotic pain I’ve ever experienced.

 

He was obsessed with being in my “top 5″.  So, I think I’ll use that as an idea for my next post!

Kinkdar November 6, 2011

It’s often said that homosexuals have a “gaydar”.  I’ve often wondered if kinky people have a kinkdar.  For obvious reasons, it’s far more difficult to prove or disprove the kinkdar theory than the gardar one.  There have been a few individuals and couples through the years that I’ve observed and wondered about but considering it was always in a vanilla setting, I never had the opportunity to find out if my suspicions were correct.

 

Until now.

I can now say I’m 1/1 in the kinkdar category.  Well, it wasn’t so much that I suspected she was into kink as I was pretty confident she wouldn’t judge me (plus, I was totally getting a bi vibe from her, and maybe a tiny kink vibe).  Who is this mystery woman, you ask?  My massage therapist.  I’ve been going to her monthly for 4ish months and we clicked right off the bat.  I’m pretty sure penis’ came up in my first session with her.  After a couple sessions (in which we spend the ENTIRE time talking!) we both very subtly hinted that we were also interested in women.   It is my hypothesis that women who admit to being bisexual are often more open minded about all things sexual.  So, when I was telling her about the “margin of error” guy and she asked, “What made him think you wanted him to seduce you?” I admitted I found him on a sex site….then admitted it was a kinky sex site.  Then she revealed her boyfriend is into it so they’ve been experimenting with it for awhile.

 

I told her about Fet and how it’s supposed to be more like a kinky facebook than a sex hook-up site.  And I even told her my screen name on the site, which links to this blog.  After I told her I kind of backtracked and regretted telling her about my online identity because I put so much personal (and sometimes embarrassing) stuff on here.  Most kinky guys I’ve hooked up with in recent history know about the blog because they found me on Fet.  Otherwise, I have one friend who I socialize with in the vanilla world who knows about my blog, Lisa.  She’s got two kids now and is super busy so I highly doubt she ever reads this.  Plus, we only ever talk about vanilla stuff anymore so it’s not like it ever crosses my mind that she would even know about what’s on here.  But now this woman who I who I pay monthly to touch my almost naked body has access to my sex life!

 

I have become more comfortable with the fact that I told her.  With only a couple exceptions there’s nothing on here that I’d really be embarrassed by her reading.  While there is absolutely nothing sexual between the two of us and even though it seems that we are into different types of kinky things, us having this in common is going to make getting massages that much more fun!  I had forgotten what it’s like to have a friend I can be honest with about it.  Yay!

There’s honest and then there’s….tacky October 28, 2011

I’ve been corresponding with a guy on Fet for about 5 months.  Throughout the months he’s said a couple things that just made me think, “I cannot believe he said that!”  They were little things but I found them somewhat offensive.  One example is after talking about how I’m a teacher he made the comment, “Come to think of it, of all of the public school teachers I’ve had the majority have basically sucked.  How do you get along with your colleagues?”  Thanks for pretty much insulting my profession, ya know?   At that point I decided to just let things fade away but he e-mailed again so I figured there was nothing to really lose.  We talked on skype once and there were multiple things that I found slightly insulting so I never made an effort to sign on again.  He proposed getting a drink sometime which I was okay with but suggested we exchange pictures first.  I got his and he was good looking.  I sent him one from a wedding but he countered that wasn’t fair so I sent one I took before work today.  This was included in his response:

 

“I’m down to meet in person but I may not seduce you. You’re within the margin of error for things like voice and mannerism. If I like how you sound and how you move, though, I might.”

 

I appreciate honesty, I really do.  A guy earlier in the week wasn’t impressed by a different picture and told me so.  That was the end of it.  No biggie.  But one can (and I would argue, should) be honest AND tactful.  This guy is obviously unaware of that.   I may be fat and he may be hot but that doesn’t automatically mean I’d be the one lowering my standards.

Resorting to Dreams October 24, 2011

Yeah, I’m still around.  There has just been nothing to write about.  I wish I was exaggerating when I say my days are spent like this: work, eat, read, sleep in that order, every single day.  But, that’s pretty much been it – not that I have really minded because I haven’t.  What little else I have done has been very vanilla and very not sexual in nature which leaves me next to nothing to write about.  So, here I am, resorting to writing about a dream…

 

Saturday night I had a dream about a co-worker.  We didn’t have sex in the dream but I’m still choosing to characterize it as a “sex dream” because it has totally left me with the same weird feelings inappropriate sex dreams have given me in the past.  There’s a few quirky but irrelevant things that add to the dream but I won’t bore you with those details.  And really, the “exciting” details aren’t that exciting.  He just sat down on my couch to go over some school stuff and says “Well, first I have to kiss you” then leans over and starts making out with me.  The dream ends there.

 

Sounds pretty minor, doesn’t it?  Well, let me assure you it’s been on my mind way too much to qualify for the “minor” category.  It pretty much hasn’t left my mind since I woke up Sunday morning.  It’s weriding me out big time.  I’m coming to realize it’s unsettling  because there is a part of me that wouldn’t mind that happening.  Mind you, it will *never* happen.  He’s very happily married and I have zero desire to go there (well, with him at least, ha!).  He’s older than me by probably 10 years.  He’s not what most of society would consider a cute guy though I would consider myself somewhat attracted to him (mostly because I know and like his personality). He’s a nice guy.  Everyone loves working with him.  He’s a great dad and seems to be a good husband (I’ve met his wife and she seemed lovely).  He and I B.S. quite a bit – about students and sports and whatnot.  We do text sometimes but usually it’s about a sporting event or a school question.

 

Dreams are so fascinating.  It’s always interesting to me how real they can feel.  I was telling my friend about it this morning and she said she’ll sometimes have sex dreams but not about her husband.  She’ll feel guilty all the next day, as if she actually cheated on him.  Another co-worker said she will sometimes dream that her husband cheated on her and she’ll be angry with him the whole next day.   That’s how real this one has been for me.  I felt awkward around him the whole day.  It’s very normal for me to pop into his room at some point during the day to ask a question, vent or just chat.  I definitely did not do that today.  He asked me about a game we both went to Saturday and while I’m sure he didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary, I felt like I was stumbling over my words.  It’s amazing how the same situation can feel so horribly awkward for one person and the other think it’s totally normal.

 

I’m supposed to be going to his place this Saturday to watch a football game (with his wife, daughters and a couple other co-workers!)  Needless to say, I’m not particularly looking forward to it anymore.