Betting with the Boy October 31, 2009

Even though I wrote about the man of my dreams in the last post, this one is gonna be all about Hunter (who better not be offended because he doesn’t *want* to be the man of my dreams.   Pshh)  He came over last night.  It was so much fun.  It was like the thing between us had never happened.  We cuddled and talked for quite a while after he got here.  Then I got the clothespins out.  It had obviously been a while since we used those – they definitely caused him more pain than they have in the past.  That made me happy, hehe.  I didn’t make him wait too long to fuck me (I’m nice like that, ha!)  A couple of times I got him to the point where I could tell he was close to cumming.  Eventually I hopped off of him and unceremoniously got dressed so we could go out to dinner.  He did not think that was the greatest idea I’d ever had. 

After dinner we, of course, fucked and it was great – as usual.  I can make him cum as quickly as I want to.  When I’m feeling particularly mean, I let him enter me and shake my hips a little, making him cum almost instantly (I think I’ve written about it before).  Last night I was feeling nice though – I kinda owed him after the shit I’d pulled.  He got to fuck me for quite a while.  He thought my generosity would extend to not making him eat his own cum but he’s not quite that lucky.  After sex I’d remembered that I wanted to try icy hot on him.  I know he’s had it used on him before so I didn’t think it would be *too* big of a deal.  Plus, I had to fuck myself with it; it wasn’t *that* bad.  Wrong.  I put a tiny bit on his balls and he wigged out.  I swear his eyes teared up.  Granted, that was quite entertaining for me.  Every so often, once he’d get used to it, I’d blow on it just to watch him squirm again.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving!  He swore it was significantly worse than the stuff that had been used on him before.  The stuff before was the name brand stuff, mine was generic.  That could have been a factor but I think it’s more that he’s just become a softie.  I obviously need to step-up my sadism. 

The night was by no means all about sex though.  We went out to eat, like I said.  And there was a lot of just chilling, cuddling, hanging out, whatever.  He can be quite the smartass and definitely keeps me on my toes.  I hadn’t realized how much I missed that aspect of us.  He can get a rise out of me easier than anyone I know.  At one point I was trying to get myself situated on the couch with him (we were both naked at this point) and I accidentally tooted.  I am *extremely* self-conscious about anything that has to do with my butt (by “anything” I mostly just mean farting and pooping) and he knew that so he totally played it up!  He acted all grossed out and repulsed and said he didn’t fart around me so I shouldn’t fart around him and on and on he went.  Even though I was a little embarrassed by it I was mostly just laughing my ass off.  Eventually he admitted he was just messing around and pulled me up with him and kissed me.  I was kind of surprised by how much I wasn’t embarrassed by the tooting thing.  I played it up pretty big with him and at first I was petrified but I got over it quickly.  I mean come on, we’ve been sleeping together for a year and a half – I would hope by now we would have reached a certain comfort level.  Now that I think about it, it’s pretty amazing that neither of us have farted in front of the other in a year and a half.  Wow.  We rock at controlling our bodily functions, man.  But, now that I have and I know he still wants me even after I fart (not that I thought he would never want to see me if I farted but you just don’t know what someone will think) I’ll be a lot less self-conscious around him.   That will be nice – well, for me, maybe not so much for him, lol.  I do always worry about tooting when we’re doing  it doggie style though.   That would be totally awkward and disgusting and a real mood killer.   Okay, that’s enough about bodily functions.

 

I got a text from him the other day that had the lyrics, “And I like the dirt that’s on your knees.  And I like the way you say please when you’re looking up at me.”  Not very sub-like, is it?  Well, we have a little bet going between us.  I’m a Hawkeye fan and he’s a Ohio State fan.  They play each other in two weeks.  If OSU wins, I have to give him head.  Have I ever said that I *hate* giving head?  I do go down on him once in a while but it’s usually just for a bit and it’s very tease-like.  He doesn’t get much satisfaction from it.  But if I win, he has to get fucked by a guy in front of me.  There’s a guy he hooked up with when things were rough between us and the guy is totally on board with the plan.  The guy and I have talked about making this happen before but Hunter has always been opposed to it – he says it will be “awkward.”  He’s probably right, it will be at least a little in the beginning.  But, he agreed to the terms of the bet and Iowa is going to kick OSU’s ass so it doesn’t matter what he thinks now!  Hehe.

My Best Friend’s Wedding October 31, 2009

My best friend’s wedding was last weekend.  This is the first time I’ve had a chance to write a post about it.  This past week was one from HELL!  But, I’d much rather talk about the wedding.

 

It was great.  I had a ridiculous amount of fun.  I’d really been looking forward to it and was a little worried that I’d hyped it up too much in my head but it lived up to my expectations.  We took a livestock trailer from the wedding to the reception!  In case you’re unaware,  a livestock trailer is pulled by a semi!  There were bales set up in it for us to sit on and coolers of alcohol.  I admit, I was a little skeptical about it – I thought it would be cold and bumpy but it wasn’t at all. 

 

I’m not usually a huge dancer because I suck at it but seeing as how I was in the wedding party, I was sorta obligated to dance the whole night (at least that’s what I told myself).  Granted, I was drunk before we even had dinner so that probably helped my inhibitions.  I got to dance with an ex-boyfriend of mine; I’d actually consider him my first love.  We dated on and off all throughout high school.  He’s engaged now and his fiance (who is a crazy headcase who’s faked two pregnancies – one that “ended” in abortion and the other that “ended” in a miscarriage; yes, he knows this and is marrying her anyway) was there of course.  The dance was nice – we caught up on what the other had been doing since we saw each other last  Then, at the end of the song he definitely slapped my ass.  I was just thinking, “yeah, that’s right, I still got it.”  

 

After the dance we went to the nearest town that had an open bar and continued the party without the bride and groom.  I eventually crashed at the bride’s parent’s house.  The next day we met up at the reception hall to clean up and open gifts.  That probably seems irrelevant but it was actually a highlight for me.    It’s when I really got to hang out with the man of my dreams.  He lives with my friend’s parents and has totally become part of their family (he met them because his soon-to-be-ex wife went to vet school with their other daughter).  He is the biggest sweetheart.  There’s three girls in my best friend’s family and all three swear they would snatch him up if they weren’t already married.  He’s a farm boy, a hard worker, great with kids, comfortable in the kitchen, funny as heck, and smart.   Smart is hard to find in a small town boy.  He joked to my friend’s mom that she needed to have one more daughter for him.  In high school I always complained that she should have had another son for me.  Coincidence?  I think not!     Really though, nothing will ever happen with him.   He’s still heartbroken over his wife leaving him and there’s no way I could compete with all the women who want him.  But, sometimes it’s fun to let one’s mind wander…

 

My friend’s family says the song “Big Green Tractor” sums up this guy – a farm boy but romantic also.  I had never heard the song before the bachelorette party but it’s my favorite at the moment.  So, I just have to share the lyrics here.  I can’t get enough of the song!

 

 

She had a shiny little beamer with the rag top down,
Sittin’ in the drive but she wouldn’t get out,
The dogs were all barking and wagging around,
And I just laughed and said yall get in,
She had on a new dress and she curled her hair,
She was looking too good not to go somewhere,
Said what you want to do baby I don’t care,
We can go to the show we can stay out here,

And I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor,
We can go slow or make it go faster,
Down through the woods and out to the pasture,
Long as I’m with you it really don’t matter,
climb up in my lap and drive if you want to,
Girl you know you got me to hold on to,
We can go to town but baby if you’d rather,
I’ll take you for a ride on my big green tractor,

Said we can fire it up and I can show you around,
Sit upon the hill and watch the sun go down,
When the fireflies are dancing and the moon comes out,
We can turn on the lights and head back to the house,

[ Jason Aldean Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Or we can take you for a ride on my big green tractor,
We can go slow or make it go faster,
Down through the woods and out to the pasture,
Long as I’m with you it really don’t matter,
climb up in my lap and drive if you want to,
Girl you know you got me to hold on to,
We can go to town but baby if you’d rather,
I’ll take you for a ride on my big green tractor,

Just let me dust off the seat,
Mmmmmm put your pretty little arms around me,
Hell yeah,

You can climb up in my lap and drive if you want to,
Girl you know you got me to hold on to,
We can go to town but baby if you’d rather,
I’ll take you for a ride on my big green tractor,

Oh yeah yeah,
We can go to town,
Or we can go another round,
On my big green tractor.

 

Girls, Girls, Girls October 21, 2009

The bachelorette party was so much fun.  The bride got totally sloshed which was particularly hilarious because she’s not usually a drinker.  She’s a fun drunk too – not one of those mean and/or dramatic types.  One of the bars we hit up was particularly fun (I use the term “bar” loosely – there were signs up for “sunday brunch” – not many bars do that!).  They put money in the juke box for us, moved tables so we could dance, and gave us an amazing deal on shots (10 shots for $10…I was totally psyched ’cause it was my turn to buy!)  There was also a saddle on a stool so we got the bride up on it.  It didn’t go well for her but we sure laughed our asses off.  Not gonna lie, we were the life of the party there.  Within a half hour at the next bar, we saw the bartenders and patrons from that last bar walked in.  They seriously closed down the place to follow us – no joke.

 

~*~*~

Hunter and I have begun to talk again.  We’ve talked about getting together sometime soon but I’m not getting my hopes up.  I’m more emotionally disconnected from him than ever before.  I don’t have the urge to talk to him every.single.time I see him online.  If he doesn’t text me back, it doesn’t really phase me.  But I still do miss him of course, and definitely miss his cock.

 

With Hunter’s reappearance in my life, obviously I’m sucking at the whole “no guys” thing.  But he’s really the exception.  I have little/no desire to pursue anything else with anyone.  Well, I can’t exactly say that.  Really, I have little/no desire to pursue anything else with any *guy*.  I think I’ve talked a time or two in the past few months about being interested in establishing a sexual relationship with a female.  I still find myself craving that.  Even if it is just sex, I feel like there’s an intimacy and closeness between two females that is harder to find between a male and female.  I posted a profile on collarme looking for a dominant female but so far have only netted responses from men.  Big surprise.  If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen – it’s not a huge biggie, but it would be fun I think.

Still Here October 15, 2009

It’s been a while since I posted so I thought maybe I should do that.  I’ve been working on assessments (parent-teacher conferences are week after next) all afternoon and needed a break.  I did take another break earlier to do the dishes.  Exciting, I know.

 

There’s a whole lotta nothing going on right now.  Things are busy at work with conferences coming up.  My best friend is getting married in two weeks so my next two weekends are taken up by wedding festivities.  Even though not having the weekends to do assessments makes for more stress, I am really looking forward to her wedding.  This weekend is the bachelorette party.  We’re going to wear old bridesmaid/prom dresses and go bar hopping.  By bar hopping I mean going to the one bar in town, driving to another town and going to its one bar, driving to another town and going to its one bar, etc.  It’ll be a good time. 

 

Beyond the wedding and assessments, nothing has been happening in my life, and I really don’t mind.

He’s Just Not That Into You October 6, 2009

I watched the movie “He’s just not that into you” over the weekend.  I went into it very skeptical.  I’d read the book, which was much better than I thought it would be.  But, I also read the book that was written in response to it, titled “Be honest, you’re not that into him.”  That one was much more empowering.

 

I hate to admit it, but I am the rule, not the exception to the rule (that makes sense if you’ve seen the movie).  I obsess, wait by the phone, call before I should, read into every.little.thing, and ignore all of the obvious signs that a guy just isn’t interested.  Like with Hunter.  Over the past year and a half, there have been times when I believe he has been somewhat into me so I’m not *completely* off base but for the most part, I’ve hung on even though he’s just not that into me.  Even before our recent fall out that was the case – I adored him whereas most of the time he could have cared less about me.  And part of me knew that, I was just too weak to walk away.

 

I’ve come along way in the last couple weeks.  I used to cry daily.  I don’t know when the last time was that I cried over him.  There have been several days that I go without any contact with him (we used to keep in contact a little through texting).  It’s getting easier to let Hunter my lover go but am having a harder time letting Hunter my friend go (usually when I have the urge to text him, it’s about something more friend-like than sexual related).  But it’s so much easier than it was.  I still have my weak moments – usually at night after I’ve taken my sleeping pills and am not thinking straight.

 

I have continued my search for what I’m going to do with my life next year.  I’m actively seeking out volunteer or job opportunities in areas of poverty – both here and abroad.  It’s so exciting – I really feel service is what I’m meant to do.  Maybe I just had to step back for a couple years and grow up a little or something. 

 

Anyway, I’ll close with the quote from the movie that motivated me to write this post.  I just think this quote is amazing.  I read it multiple times a day.  It’s the perfect mantra for a broken-hearted girl – especially one like myself who needs to focus on herself as opposed to a significant other right now.

 

“And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future.” ~He’s Just Not That Into You

A Good Friend October 5, 2009

I am really amazed that more teacher’s aren’t alcoholics.  Really, it’s amazing.  There wasn’t one thing that went wrong or anything like that.  The kids just weren’t good listeners.  It was a loooong day.  I had plans for dinner with a friend on Thursday but texted her and told her I really needed a drink, so we’re going out tonight instead.  I have good friends

 

But, I need to make sure I’m home in time for the game.  Go Packers!!

Friend-Filled Weekend September 28, 2009

I had a delightful weekend!  It was my college’s homecoming so there were a ton of people in town.  One of my best friends from college and his roommate stayed with me too.  People came over to my place Friday night.  We just chilled out and talked, told lots of stories from college to the newbies in the group.  There was not a drop of alcohol involved but we were so loud we kept my sister up!

 

Saturday we hit up the best breakfast place in town – which I didn’t even know served breakfast!  I’ve lived here 6 years… I should really know the hot spots by now, sheesh.  Then we headed to the tailgate (and I think there was a football game at one point also? hehe).  It was a lot of fun catching up with people, even if it was more surface-y stuff.  It was impossible to get beyond the basics because approximately every 3 minutes one person in the conversation would abruptly stop and say to someone else, “Oh my gosh!  How are you?!” And then a new conversation would start, which would then end a few minutes later in the same way.  The afternoon was spent with a group of my close friends at my place, chatting, playing games, napping a little, and sobering up.  My friends went out saturday night but I stayed in.   I’d had my fill of socializing for the day.  Plus, I’d seen pretty much everyone who was in town at the tailgate anyway.

 

Sunday I drove home for a wedding shower.  It was a low key event which was really nice – it gave me a chance to really catch up with people.  And, I got my bridesmaid dress!  It is gorgeous.  We also hatched out or plan for my friends bachelorette party.  We’re going to wear old bridesmaid and prom dresses and go bar hopping.  Keep in mind I’m from a rural area so bar hopping means driving 15 miles between each bar because there’s only one bar in each town!  We are going to have so much fun.  I’m pretty damn psyched!

Changing my Path September 25, 2009

I had a therapy session today.  It was one of the hardest I’ve had.  I told my therapist about the fallout with Hunter (I told her everything) but I didn’t cry over him.  I cried over who I’ve become. 

 

Early in the session she asked me what I want to look back on my life and see 50 years from now.  The very first thing that came to my mind was that I wanted to make a difference in the world.  I wanted to be proud of the work I’d done.  I was shocked that that was what came to my mind first and was in fact, the most important thing.  Raising “good” children was a somewhat distant second.  Third was that I wanted to have some good, close friends.  When I imagined myself at 74, I saw a social circle as more important as a spouse. [Even though I hopefully won't be in a nursing home at that point, I pictured myself chillin' with other little old ladies on a sun porch or something.]  But I also said that my biggest fear is being alone when I’m old – being in a nursing home and never having visitors or anything. 

 

Then she asked me what I wanted 5 years from now.  Instantly I said a husband and kids.  I was struck by how different the two were.  I feel like the 5 year “goal” is more about what I feel society wants me to want, than what I want.  My long-term aspirations are more me.  At one point in college, when I was happiest, I couldn’t have cared less whether or not there was any significant other in my life.  Somehow recently I became fixated on having someone, and I wanted that someone to be Hunter.  I’m trying to get back to being the person I want to be.  I said goodybe to Hunter today. I know, I know, I’ve done it multiple times before and have failed.  But, I won’t succeed if I don’t keep trying, right?  Plus, this time is different in that I’m changing myself, not just trying to deal with his rejection. I’m going to be more proactive about searching out some sort of service to do – most likely international.  I’m going to start talking to people about spirituality and finding what works best for me. 

 

I’m going to be happy and at peace again.  I’ve had happy moments the past few years but I haven’t been consistently at peace like I have been in the past.

Switch Time September 23, 2009

Last night was an interesting evening.  I got together with an old dom friend.  He’s the first guy I ever submitted to – if you could call it submitting.  It was early in our individual D/s journeys for both of us so we more or less just explored different aspects of things.  I haven’t seen him in years but he has always been a good friend. 

 

We both intended for last night to be a long, intense session.  I wanted him to be extremely strict and hard on me (he’s always kind of been a softie when it comes to me even though I know can be a real hard ass).  It ended up being two friends hanging out, which has been proved to be the norm with us. 

 

It definitely had it’s hot moments though.  [Note: To the more experienced, my night was extremely mild.  But, I have very limited subbing experience and I haven't submitted for *years*]  I pulled into his yard and without saying a word to me, he yanked me by the hair and slammed me up against my car.  30 seconds into it and he was already more rough with me than he’d ever been.  I loved it.  At one point he bit my neck.  Biting seems kind of a basic thing but it’s not something a guy has ever done to me.  It definitely turned me on more than I thought it would.

 

I also got to experience icy hot and wax.  Icy hot is the devil.  I don’t know how people can stand it.  He slapped it all over my pussy and purposely didn’t rub it in so for the next hour anytime I moved it would start burning all over again!  It almost brought tears to my eyes.  Then, I had to fuck myself with a vacuum handle (it was really small).  Writing that right now & telling people I did that is more humiliating than actually doing it (which of course also turns me on like no other).  Then he stuck a candle in my mouth and lit it.  I have never ever done anything with wax play.  It petrifies me.  But I really enjoyed it.  The wax didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would.  It was a mindfuck though because at first I was holding my head back, scared shitless that it was going to drip on my face.  Before that could happen he instructed me to face him, thus tipping the candle down and wax all over myself.  Making a sub cause pain to herself is pretty hot.  At one point in all that he took a belt to my ass too.  I’ve never been really spanked.  Just a few swats here and there.  It freaking hurt.  And he did it so it would hit the same freaking spot every time.  Bastard (and I mean that in the best way possible!)

 

I hate stripping.  I hate it.  He knows I hate it.  He instructed me to put my clothes on and dance for him.  Have I mentioned that I HATE that?  The first time he made me do it, years ago, I found it to be humiliating.  It wasn’t really humiliating this time, it just felt awkward to do.  I have no moves.  I have never been to a strip club so I don’t know any special moves that dancers do or anything.   So, I strip/dance and he tells me that I started out well but then got sloppy so I had to do it again.  And again.  And again.  I think the 4th time was the charm.  I was livid on the inside.  I put on a happy sub-like smile for him but I know the attitude I was feeling showed in my eyes.

 

That’s pretty much when the fun stopped.  I was kneeling naked in front of him and he began asking questions and somehow (I have no idea now what those questions were) Hunter came up.  That was a total mood killer.  I filled him in on the whole situation and he figured out that I’d initiated the play ’cause I was bummed about Hunter and wanted a pick-me-up.  I quickly defended myself, explaining that I had been wanting to explore my sub side recently (he could just check my blog if he didn’t believe me!) but I knew there was truth in what he was saying.  It worked…kinda.  I cried a little last night after Hunter and I exchanged ims but reliving the scene has put me in a pleasant mood tonight so at least it worked a little!

 

That lead to a discussion about my domme vs. sub orientation.  He said he could see the domme in me come out in very small ways a few times.  I was shocked by that.  I thought I had kept my sub role well and I was definitely enjoying myself and hadn’t had any kind of conscious domme-like thoughts.    But he could still tell it was there. 

 

We spent the rest of the evening just chatting and hanging out.  It was nice.  We exchanged stories about what we’ve both been up to the last couple years.  At one point a college friend called me to discuss weekend plans and he started choking me while I was talking to her.  I tried resisting and in that instance could feel my domme-ness flame up.  But he could easily over power me.  A couple times when I wasn’t on the phone he took me over his knee for being too sassy.  Those little random dom/sub moments once we were back in “friend” mode were fun.  At one point while I was on the phone he did fart in my face.  That was not really fun.

 

It was just a good, needed escape.

Hope & Despair September 21, 2009

This is going to become an extremely boring blog (not to imply it’s all that exciting at this point!)  Hunter and I are done for the time being.  I fucked up big time and doubt he’ll ever forgive me (though I can’t bring myself to completely give up hope which some say is a good thing but it sure makes coping and moving on more difficult!).  I may write about it eventually, but am definitely not ready to yet.  I have also put things with Grant on hold for the time being.  It sounds so unbelievably cheesy but I want to “find myself”.   Even though I know I would hook up with Hunter again in a heartbeat, because of the inconsistent status of our relationship, I became someone I don’t want to be. 

 

It’s not only with guys that I’m disappointed in myself. I used to do service and was all about creating social change.  Yeah, I haven’t done any kind of service in over a year.  I feel like my decrease of TV and increase of NPR are improvements in this area (it makes me more of a global citizen than one of our ignorant, shallow society only) but beyond that, nothing.  I’m just not as happy as I used to be.  I totally notice it in my teaching.  I’m just not as enthusiastic as I was last year. 

 

In addition to taking a step away from relationships (well, except for the possibility of hooking up with a dom friend but he’s leaving in a month so it wouldn’t amount to more than a scene or two), I think I’m going to start going to church again.  I can’t say that my core beliefs have changed but there is something unbelievably comforting about church for me.  I don’t know if it’s the sense of community one oddly feels sitting among strangers or feeling closer to God (not to imply one actually *is* closer) or if it’s the passages and sermon. 

 

And, I sent an e-mail to a contact in Haiti about the possibility of working there.  I’ve mentioned a few times that I’ve felt pulled in that direction the past few months but just couldn’t take the steps to make it happen.  Whether or not anything will actually come of my inquiry, I do feel that it is a step in the right direction.  Hell, it’s a step!  That’s more than I’ve taken the past couple of years to improve my happiness.

 

Despite the fact that I have a lot of hope for my life (with the Haiti inquiry and rediscovering my faith and all) I am still very sad.  I cry daily.  Never sobs, just a few tears here and there.   If it was PMS, it would have passed by now.  Damnit.